Survey Preview: Bi Guys Do Have More Fun

I have gotten a lot of support for the survey, and I have already learned a lot about bi guys from looking at the wide range of responses I got. I do not want to release the results yet, since I am still trying to get more representation for certain groups, but I did want to share one result that has made me really happy.

While I was thinking of questions for the survey, I asked Jay whether he would still pick to be bi if he could choose between bi, gay, or straight. Apparently, that was an easy question for him- he said he would definitely still want to be bi. I thought that would be his answer, but I also thought he would have to think about it a lot. After all, he has complained about the many trials and tribulations of being a bi male: women don’t want to date you because they think you’ll cheat with a man; men don’t want to date you because they think you’re gay and not ‘out’ yet; one of the doors on your car doesn’t unlock automatically any more (What? Bi men have to deal with this too. I mean, it’s not caused by their sexuality, but it’s still an issue…) Point being, I was pleasantly surprised that Jay was so certain he would still pick to be bi if he had the choice.

I asked him why, and he said, “Come on, it’s way more fun to be bi.” Can’t argue with that.

So, you can imagine that I was equally please when I looked at the survey results, and saw that so far the overwhelming majority of guys who participated  would still pick to be bi. How awesome is that? #worthit

Bisexual Guys Survey is READY!!!

One of the things I’ve wanted to do, ever since I started dating Jay and had trouble finding information about bi guys, is conduct a survey of bisexual men. This would be soooo helpful. It would show that everyone is different, and it would answer a lot of the questions straight women (and gay guys… and straight guys, and lesbians, and bi women, and everyone else) have about bisexual males.

I have FINALLY gotten the survey up, with help from a few other ladies, and with help from Jay (who really wasn’t that helpful. He contributed like ONE question). I would LOVE it if all my bi male readers would take the survey.

Click here to take it!

It’s anonymous, so please answer honestly if you can. When I get enough responses, I am going to share some of the findings, in the form of colorful charts and graphs.

Some of the questions are a personal, some are totally naughty;  if you don’t want to answer something, leave it blank. You can also write ‘fuck you sydney’ in the comment box if I’ve made you uncomfortable and you want to express your anger.

I really think this will be helpful, and lift away some of the mystery that surrounds bisexual guys.

Please take the survey, and PLEASE send it to any other bisexual guys that you know. Also, please offer suggestions on how I can find other bi guys to participate.

Awkward Holiday Parties

First of all I want to apologize for not posting anything in a while; truthfully, I’ve just been busy. But I will not abandon this blog, and I assure you I thought about it constantly even when I was too busy to update. Second of all, thank you for your support. I got a lot of comments and follows over the past few weeks, and I just wanted to say that it means a lot, and I am glad people can relate to this blog.

The holidays were a big part of why I was too busy to write, and even though they have been over for a couple weeks now, I still want to tell you about them. For one thing, they are important, and for another, interesting things happened. Interesting bi things.

To start the season off, Hanukkah happened, and since Jay’s step-dad is Jewish, they had a Hanukkah party, to which I was invited. I knew it would be polite to bring something, and after my brother and I raided my parents’ wine collection and realized we had no idea which wines were good, I decided a box of chocolates would be a better option.

I went to See’s Candy, and picked out an assorted box. I asked if they could gift wrap it, and it was only as I was leaving that I realized the wrapping paper was red and green and said “Merry Christmas.” I worried it might be annoying to show up to a Hanukkah party with a gift that so blatantly insisted upon the wider popularity of Christmas, so I asked if they could rewrap it in Hanukkah paper. I watched as the cashier peeled off the wrapping paper, and rewrapped it in plain white paper. Then, she reached below the counter and pulled out a single, large star of david sticker, and stuck it right on top of the box. It wasn’t gift wrap, so much as it was a label. “For Jews.” She slapped it on the way I picture things get stamped “USDA Approved” or “Contaminated” or “Contains Nuts.”

I showed the box to my brother, and he managed to peel the sticker off and place it over the tape on the back of the box, so at least it looked like it served a purpose other than announcing, “These chocolates are for Jews.” Crisis averted.

That part of the story has nothing to do with bisexuality, but it was funny so I wanted to tell it anyway.

Jay’s sexuality came up after I had arrived at the party and handed his parents the Jew Chocolates. He was showing me some decorations in the foyer, and he started telling me how last year, he was here with Bradley who ended up getting too drunk and falling asleep in the foyer. No one could find Bradley, and it ended up being quite a laugh when he was finally discovered, curled up on the couch, sleeping like a baby.

“Bradley…” I scoffed. I’ve met Bradley, and he’s actually really nice. But since he’s Jay’s ex, I always roll my eyes a little whenever Jay recounts the adorable things he used to do.

“After that he was too drunk to drive home, so I just helped him up to my room,” Jay explained.

“Hold on,” I interrupted. “Bradley slept in your room?”

“Yeah.”

“Like in your bed?”

“Yeah.”

“Like, with you also in the bed?”

“Yeah…”

“That is so unfair,” I announced. I am not supposed to sleep in Jay’s bed at his parent’s house. He has younger siblings, and his parents don’t think it sets a good example to let unmarried couples sleep in bed together. But somehow, for Bradley it was okay.

Jay sighed. “Dude, my parents thought we were just friends. They didn’t know we were… you know, fucking. My mom even asked me, just to make sure nothing was going on and I told her Bradley and I were just friends.”  (It’s worth mentioning that Jay’s mom knows he is bisexual, and that the idea that Jay might be fooling around with another guy was a very real possibility.)

I scowled. “Your mom asked you, ‘Hey Jay, just to make sure, you’re not taking it up the butt from the guy that’s sleeping in the foyer, are you?’?”

“Well, she didn’t say it like that, obviously.” Jay said. “She just asked if anything was going on with us, and I said no.”

“And she believed you? That you were just two guys friends? Two guy friends sleeping in bed together?” I asked. “Guy friends don’t sleep in bed together. Guys only sleep in bed with other guys if they are fucking.”

“I mean… maybe she suspected, but what was she really going to say?”

I had to admit, he had a point.

The bed thing is the main reason I don’t like going to Jay’s parents’ house.

I’ve waited a long time to get out of high school, and get my own place where I can tie up men with bondage tape without it being anyone else’s business (not that I do that; I’m just saying I could). It’s frustrating to visit parents and be forced back into that high school mentality; it’s extra frustrating to know that stupid Bradley didn’t have to follow the same rules.

But… I guess that’s one of the perks of having a same sex relationship; society’s rules don’t always catch you. It’s not inappropriate for people of the same gender to sleep in the same room because USUALLY they don’t screw. The fact that Bradley and Jay could sleep in the same room and screw means… they basically just got lucky. They cheated the system. Those bastards.

Debate About Revealing a Partner’s Bisexuality

I assumed that it was 100% public knowledge that Jay was bisexual. When we first met, he told me he’s very open about it. I assumed that meant it didn’t matter if I told other people about it, but apparently I was wrong, and we got into a little tiff about this. Here’s how it happened…

A few weeks ago, a guy that Jay used to date invited us to this ‘event’ at a club (lets call this guy Brad). At first I thought it was just clubbing, so I was planning to invite a bunch of my other friends. But the more they discussed the event, it sounded like something beyond ‘just clubbing’. I wasn’t entirely sure what it was, but I managed to gather that there would be men dressed in women’s clothing, so I thought to myself, “Hm, I better not invite all my conservative friends, and possibly freak them out, since I don’t know what this is.”

We went to the event, and it was really fun. People were dressed kinda crazy, but overall, nothing unreasonable was going on. I figured that I’d bring some of my friends next time. In the mean time, the group I was with all took pictures of ourselves having tons of fun, and put them up on Facebook. 

The next morning, one of my best girl friends, Leslie, texted me, saying, “Blah blah blah, why didn’t you invite me last night? Blah blah blah I always invite you…” Yeah. She was pissed. Apparently that venue was somewhere she goes to all the time and loves, and she was really mad that I went there without inviting her. I know. I’m the worst person in the world. Whatever.

I figured I would try to explain that I didn’t plan the outing, and also why I didn’t invite her: Brad, Jay’s ex, this little gay dude, planned it and I didn’t know what it was until I got there.

The problem is Leslie doesn’t know Jay is bi. So that makes explaining his gay ex a little hard. I could have crafted a way around those details, but I figured the story would be easier to tell if I just explained the whole thing.

So I texted Jay and asked if I could tell Leslie he was bi. At first he said, “Yeah, sure.”

Then he added something like, “As long as she wont think I’m actually gay.”

I told him that she would more likely think he was actually straight… I don’t remember the details, but that lead to a discussion of whether she would believe he was bi or not. I admitted I wasn’t sure what she would think, and then Jay said, “Never mind, I don’t want you to tell her.”

“Why not? You tell strangers.”

“Because this is different. It’s your best friend-“ (Jay was wrong about this, Nora is my best friend, but that’s not important to this story…) “And she’s going to try to convince you that guys can’t be bisexual, and that I’m going to end up gay.”

I didn’t see the problem with that. Leslie has tried to convince me of a lot stupider things before (like that putting a caramel apple in a Ferragamo handbag would not ruin the bag [or the apple] if it was only in there for a few minutes). I have no problem fully disregarding advice that Leslie gives me.

However, Jay explained that Lesley’s opinion of his sexuality was not the problem. “The problem,” he said. “Is why you are telling her.”

I was confused. As far as I knew, I was telling her to get her off my back about not inviting her to some stupid club. But Jay thought differently.

“You are telling her,” he said, “For the same reason you told Max and your mom; because you weren’t sure about dating me, and you wanted their advice. And you’re still not sure, so you’re asking Leslie to help you decide whether it’s a good idea.”

I literally rolled my eyes at this. “Listen,” I said. “I never ask my mom for advice; that’s why we aren’t close. And as for Max, he has the good sense not to try to tell me what to do, which is why we are close. I can assure you that telling them about your sexuality had nothing to do with trying to get advice on whether to date a bisexual guy.”

Eventually Jay admitted that he believed me. He explained that he’s had issues in the past with girls blacklisting him because of his sexuality. Fine. Fair enough. Whatever.

But he also explained that I should not have just assumed it was okay to disclose his sexuality. This was very personal information, he explained.

“But its on your facebook,” I argued.

“Well then people can look at my facebook and ask me about it. But you can’t just assume you can go around telling people.”

“Well how am I suppose to know all these rules?” I said.

“I don’t know.”

“There’s no handbook of bisexual men. There’s no ten commandments for dating bi guys,” I said. “How am I supposed to know what I can tell people and what’s a secret? I can’t know what’s socially appropriate when it comes to bisexuality.”

“It’s the same as being gay. You can’t just go around telling people someone is gay.”

“No,” I said. “It’s not. If we were a gay couple, everyone would know just by looking at us, and there would be no need to tell my friends. It is different.”

“I don’t know,” Jay finally said.

********

So here is my question to all you readers out there; what are the rules for disclosing someone’s bisexuality? Is it a faux pas to ‘out’ them? Or does keeping it a secret mean you are ashamed? 

Bicker Bicker Bicker…

I try not to say anything bad about Jay on this blog. I realize many people are not familiar with bisexual males, and that for some people, reading this blog might be the only exposure to bisexual males they get. I feel I have a duty to portray Jay as perfect, otherwise readers might think things like… “I guess all bisexual men get too drunk at their girlfriends charity Halloween event.” Or “Oh I guess all bisexual men get too jealous about their girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend.” And that would be unfair to all the sober, confident bisexuals out there, who don’t do any of these things.

I recently realized, however, sweeping Jay’s faults under the rug might not be the best idea. For one thing, it could encourage the idea that he does not actually exist. (Yes, I have been accused of fabricating Jay.) I mean, if a girl was going to invent a fantasy boyfriend, wouldn’t she make him perfect? Tall, handsome, athletic, funny… Yes, Jay is all of these things, but that’s only hard to believe because I never talk about the ways in which he’s a pain in the ass. He is not perfect. And I cannot take credit for creating Jay; that credit goes to his parents, copulating in the early 90’s.

The other reason it might be good to reveal some of Jay’s faults is that it would show they have nothing to do with his sexuality. For any girls out there, worried about getting into a serious relationship with a bi guy, it might help to know that the things that have made my relationship difficult are none of the things that girls seem to be paranoid about when it comes to bi men. What if he looks at men? What if he watches gay porn? What if I’m not enough for him because I don’t have a dick? What if I have to compete with twice as many people now? I can honestly these things haven’t become an issue between Jay and me. Sorry to disappoint, but the things that will get on your nerves could very well be the mundane things that make relationships suck in general.

There was one more reason that I never told stories about Jay’s annoying behaviors, that’s because it’s boring. Using this blog to bitch about my boyfriend would just be stupid and no one would give a crap or want to read it. I feel like its morally wrong to be that self indulgent. When I write anything (not just this blog) I remind myself “Hey Sydney, no one cares about your stupid problems.” But today I’m going to take on the challenge of writing an interesting, relevant entry about a little fight I had with Jay. Here goes:

It all started Sunday night, when Jay texted me to say he hadn’t gotten a job he applied for. I was appropriately supportive and comforting, telling him he was qualified and that job searches are a long process. But he was in one of his moods, and didn’t want to let it go. He started accusing me of leading him on, and wasting his time by telling him that he was qualified for that job. According to him, I should have told him the truth: that he sucked way too much for that job and he should not have bothered applying. I’m going to pause for a second, and say that I know for a fact this is not what I should have told him, because I (stupidly) have told him that before. And it did not go over well. He was complaining about his grad school aspirations, and I said, “Well maybe it’s not for you.” To anyone less emotionally retarded than I am, what happened next is probably obvious: he had a complete fit and said he couldn’t believe I didn’t believe in him.

So you can see why I tried to be optimistic about this job. Furthermore, I wasn’t being dishonest; he was qualified for the job. They just didn’t hire him. Sometimes that’s how it goes.

Anyway, long story short, we had a nice 2 hour bicker over the phone, and at the end of it, I realized I was exhausted. Not just exhausted by the fight, but exhausted by him. And so I told him we needed to take a break from seeing each other.

Don’t panic, we didn’t break up. I just needed space to work on some things without the emotional drama of a relationship. I also wanted to give Jay some time to reflect on why he has been so moody lately. (To all the haters out there, this is the perfect moment to say its because he’s gay. Go ahead. I’ll wait.)

The truth is I don’t know why he has been so moody- but I can say almost with certainty that it’s not because he’s gay. More likely he is depressed about not having a job, or because he feels like he doesn’t have many friends around here anymore. Who knows. I even suspect it’s because he finds my personality frustrating and annoying, but hasn’t let himself admit that yet. He insists this is not the case, but he could be lying, or he may not have realized it yet.

Point being, it wasn’t the fight that exhausted me. I just realized in that moment that his attitude over the past couple weeks has been exhausting me. He honestly acts like he doesn’t enjoy being around me. He doesn’t talk very much- if I ask him a hypothetical question, just to start a conversation, he answers as quickly as he can to get it over with; or he’ll say something like “I don’t know.” (Me: If you could be any super hero, who would you want to be? Jay: I dunno.) If I don’t start talking, we’ll just sit there in silence. Other times, I’ll be talking about something I think is important or interesting, and at the end, he’ll be looking out the window saying, “I didn’t realize you could smoke on that patio.”

In other words, its like he’s trying to tell me, “I don’t find you interesting. I don’t enjoy being around you. I wish I was somewhere else.” And honestly, if that were true, I would be fine with it. Yeah it would suck a little bit, but I’m really good at accepting when something just isn’t meant to be. Problem is, he insists this is not the case, and that he loves being around me.

Well, unfortunately, regardless of whether he actually likes being around me, I don’t enjoy being around someone who just sits there and makes me feel… disliked. So I decided I needed to take some time to be alone with the best person in the world: me.  In the mean time, he can reflect on what’s going on with himself, and hopefully, when we hang out again, he’ll be the kind of person that makes me feel awesome when I’m around him, rather than someone who brings down the mood.

And for the men out there: Why do guys act like this? Is it me? Be honest. I can take it.

And don’t worry, Jay and I will be back together soon; as soon as I start needing more material for this blog 😉

My Boyfriend Has Touched a Wiener, So I Can’t Donate Blood, What?

I was in a leadership position in my sorority, and as such I was called upon to be involved in just about every social, academic, and philanthropic activity. So when the sororities and fraternities decided to have a campus wide blood drive, I was in charge of making sure the other girls in my chapter actually showed up. Problem is, they were being little pansies about it. No one wanted to give their blood, and certainly not if it involved watching it run out of their arm through a tube. By day three of the drive, when I was planning to go over and donate my blood, I discovered none of our members had shown up yet.

“Come on ladies!” I shouted.

I told them to nut up. I told them all the guys had done it and that was making us look weak in comparison (This threat didn’t resonate. It seems I’m the only girl who worries about being emasculated.)

I rallied a group together and told them to come down to the donation van, and I would go first.

When we got there, I could sense some of our members were going to chicken out. It didn’t help that we ran into some guy friends from one of the fraternities, and even one of them seemed like he might back out when he saw the needle.

“I don’t know man…” he said as he was about to be called.

“Don’t worry Ryan,” I said loudly. “Clearly you’re having your period, so maybe you can just donate some of that blood.”

His bros all laughed, and Ryan, shamed, reluctantly complied when his name was called. Sure my comment was harsh/sexist/gross, but it was also effective. I couldn’t have a guy chicken out, and cause a mass exodus of every member I had convinced to come with me.

While we waited to be called, we had to fill out these questionnaires about our health history and whatnot. Were we feeling well that day? Were we on medications? Had we recently travelled to any of the countries on the attached list?

The questions were aimed at trying to figure out if our blood was clean.

I paused briefly at questions about lifestyle. Apparently gay men (or ‘men who have sexual contact with men’) were not allowed to donate blood. I continued down the list. Evidently, women who have sex with men who have sex with men are not allowed to donate blood either. At the time I didn’t pay this question much mind, since it didn’t apply to me. I do remember thinking it was odd, and wondering, “how many people does that really apply to?” I wasn’t really aware of male bisexuality, so I assumed this question was referring to some sort of drug induced orgy situation.

When it was my turn, I was totally brave. They stabbed the needle into my arm, and I said “success!” when the blood started flowing. When it was done, I stood up (only slightly dizzy) and got a free cookie and juice box.

After that experience, I decided giving blood was the perfect activity for me- a chance to look bad ass, help others, and get a cookie and juice box? What could be better? I donated blood routinely after that.

Since dating Jay, I’ve been busy, and haven’t gotten the chance to donate blood. Then, the other day I remembered the question from the donor form about having sexual contact with men who have sex with men.

I can’t donate blood any more. Ever. At least under the current rules. I’ve been tainted. Blacklisted. My blood no longer qualifies as that of the clean, heterosexual, non-intravenous drug using population. Is this fair? Yeah I guess. They have the right to refuse the blood of anyone they want. It’s not like I can force someone to take my blood just so I can feel better about myself.

I jokingly pointed out to Jay that because of him, I can no longer donate blood.

“What are you talking about?” He asked.

“You can’t donate blood if you have sexual contact with a bi dude.”

“That’s not true.”

“Yes it is,” I said.

“Where did you hear that?”

I paused. I wanted to tell him that I didn’t ‘hear’ it anywhere; I just knew it because I was a routine blood donor, and I knew what the requirements were. But for some reason (and I’m still not sure why) I felt like I was hurting his feelings, so I wanted to make it like none of this was my fault. I wanted to put the blame on someone else.

“Nora told me. She said that it says that on the forms.”

Jay insisted that Nora was wrong about this. That sort of ticked me off, because I knew he had no basis for this assertion, other than his own assumption that it was probably untrue.

Today I remembered this dispute, and looked up various blood donor questionnaires online.

The screen cap I sent Jay. See item #21

And it’s true. They all have the question about females who have sex with men who have sex with men. I texted a screen cap to Jay, and he seemed surprised. He said it seemed ‘antiquated’. I was worried he was going to be annoyed and spiral into a little sulk; he gets huffy if he thinks I’m implying he’s less healthy because of his sexual orientation. (I told him he had to get tested before we started hooking up. He said something like “Yeah I’m gay, so obviously I have AIDS.” I said something like “Stow the ‘tude. Get tested.” [He did. Obviously he was 100% clean]) He also gets huffy if he thinks that I need to prove I’m right about something. Texting him screen caps of things I’m right about tends to rub him the wrong way. But this time he took it pretty well. He didn’t seem mad at all, just surprised.

I told him that I would have to find some other way to get a free cookie and juice box now that I can’t donate blood anymore, and he said that he would buy me cookies and juice boxes. #adorable.

So to all the girls out there who have bi boyfriends, welcome to the club. The club of people feeling sorry for us, thinking we we’re dating gay dudes; the club of rotten blood that no one wants. I raise a toast. To us, and our bad blood. Here Here!

Halloween Costumes!!

I believe I’ve mentioned that Halloween is my most favoritest holiday. This year I am going to my friend Max’s block party, and I am going to bring Jay as my date. Going to the party together will be a coming out, of sorts- no not in a gay (or bi) way. In fact it is me who will be ‘coming out’; I will be ‘coming out’ as a girl in a committed relationship. I’ve never brought a serious boyfriend to a party like this before, and many of my friends have been waiting to see if it is true that the commitment-phobic Sydney really has a serious boyfriend. And I do. And I will be presenting him to all of my more distant acquaintances on Halloween.

Naturally, our costumes for this even will be of utmost importance, and Jay and I have been discussing them for a while.  He offered to dress up in something matchy, but I flat out refused. Couples who wear ‘couples costumes’ make me want to barf. I told him to dress up in whatever he wanted as long as it looked hot. Thus, Jay decided he wanted to be “What Does the Fox Say”

Unfortunately, he did not have that pajama jumpsuit thing, so instead he figured he could just get the ears and tail, and the basic idea would still come across. I encouraged him to go shirtless because, while it has nothing to do with foxes, being shirtless is always appropriate when one has a bangin’ bod. So it was decided; Jay would be a shirtless fox.

Jay planned to get the fox accessories online. Lots of places sell ear and tail combos. Most of these are targeted at girls- I guess the idea is that you can wear ears and a tail with any slutty outfit, and you’re some kind of animal for Halloween. Replace the trampy corset and booty shorts with a pair of jeans, and these costumes work just as well for men. Unfortunately, the site was sold out of the “Feelin’ Foxy” accessory set- understandable, considering Jay tried to order them a few days ago (a week before Halloween). Instead, he had to go to a Halloween store to see if they had anything suitable. Tragically, they were sold out of “Feelin’ Foxy” as well, but they did have “Pretty Kitty”, a cat ear and tail combo. Jay got the idea that he could pass the cat ears off as fox ears. He also got a little dog nose mask.

When he showed me the cat ears, we had a brief discussion about whether some foxes are black. I maintain that no foxes are black, but that’s beside the point; the fox in “What Does the Fox Say” is not black. Ultimately, we did a little brainstorming and decided that Jay is not the fox from “What Does the Fox Say”; instead he is some kind of mutant furry mammal of indeterminate species… but he’s shirtless, so frankly I think he will totally pull it off.

Oh, and this is much less interesting, but I feel I should reveal what my costume will be. I will be some sort of black swan ballerina thing… maybe it’s a peacock. I’m not really sure. It’s a tutu with a peacock feather headband. I just saw it and thought it was pretty.

……………………………..

I feel like I should make an effort to talk about issues relating to male bisexuality in every post; after all, that’s sort of my hook.  If I had called this blog, “So I’m Going to This Halloween Party…” none of you would be reading it. But unfortuantely, Jay doesn’t always do ‘bisexual’ stuff (whatever that is…) Sadly, the only way I could cram bisexuality into this topic was with an offensive joke that I decided not to make. When Jay showed me the cat ears and the dog mask,  I was tempted to say, “So your halloween costume’s not really sure what it is… just like your sexuality.” BUT I did not say it. He would probably have laughed, but I’m never sure if it’s okay to make these kinds of jokes. To all the awesome bi guys out there, what do you think? Offensive or not?

Full Version of Conversation w/ Reader

Some of you may remember when an angry reader invited me to call him on the phone, so he could condemn my relationship with a bi guy. I posted a video summarizing our conversation. Unfortunately, he accused me of altering and misrepresenting our conversation, to make myself seem more favorable, and insisted I post the ‘real’ version, showing what really happened

I apologize if my summary was inaccurate. I shortened the conversation, and only showed key points, but I don’t think I was misleading. Out of fairness to this person, this is the original version; you can decide for yourselves if I was fair or not.

I want to once again express my love and support for the gay community. I know that it is very difficult for men to come out as gay, and I wish that no gay man would ever feel pressured to act straight or hide his true identity. I also understand that a gay man who has managed to embrace his own sexual orientation might resent a guy who is not strong enough to do that and ‘pretends’ to be attracted to women. But I have to insist that there are bisexual men who are genuinely attracted to women as well as men, and it is very hard for them to hear that just because you were never really bi, that they must be the same as you. That’s as hurtful as when straight men claim that being gay is a choice- just because they are attracted to women, that means that you are just ‘choosing’ to be gay? Of course not.

Every needs to understand that just because someone’s sexuality is different from their own, it doesn’t mean that any sexuality is less legitimate.

Advice Attempt for 17 yr. old Girl w/ Bi Boyfriend

“No one else I have encountered is in this situation. I’m 17, and my boyfriend is bisexual, and he only recently publicly came out. To say that my parents were displeased would be an understatement. I basically get told that he’s just gay and not ready to come out, he’s going to cheat on me, our relationship will go nowhere etc.- on the daily. Oh, and it’s long distance to boot. But I really love him, and I don’t appreciate my family giving me hell. Any advice? “

In this post I’m going to focus on a question posed by a reader. The question is from a young lady whose boyfriend recently came out as bi, and now she’s getting a bunch of criticism about it from family and friends. I’m so glad she shared her question with me, and I really hope my advice is helpful (even though it is only my opinion). Her question raises a lot of different issues, so I want to break it down and address each one.

• “No one else I have encountered is in this situation.”

Having a bi boyfriend is indeed an unusual situation, especially if you are in high school. Guys tend to be babies about stuff, and most of them don’t have to balls to come to terms with who they are at such a young age (or ever, to be honest). So, having a bi boyfriend is not really a common issue, and it’s hard to find people who can relate. I’m a little older than you, and still none of my girl friends have been in this position, and honestly none of them had anything helpful to say about it.

• “I’m 17, and my boyfriend is bisexual.”

At 17, you are a few years younger than me and Jay, so hopefully your relationship is a sign of a trend- that our generation is becoming more comfortable with male bisexuality.  I assume your boyfriend is around your age, and if he felt confident enough to come out at 17, that’s really great.

I do have to make one point, and you may not like it Some young guys are unsure about their sexuality, so you have to leave open the possibility that he may not always identify as bi. I know it’s annoying when people assume bi guys are actually gay (or straight), especially when they don’t even know the person as well as you, but… he is young, just keep it in mind, please don’t hate me.

• “To say that my parents were displeased would be an understatement.”

Yeah… That really sucks. Fortunately (for me), I’ve never had to be in that situation. At first, I was a little worried what my parents would think about me dating a bi guy, because they used to be fairly conservative. However they have become much more open minded in recent years. My mom found out her favorite nephew was gay, and suddenly she became the poster girl for gay rights, and even started working with some non-profits to support marriage equality and so on.

Anyway, back to your parents… I guess what you should do depends on what your parents are like.  I mean, how displeased are they? Have they told you to stop seeing your Boyfriend? And why are they upset? Is it for moral/religious reasons? Or are they worried he wont be a good long term partner (as in, he wont be able to settle down, or will cheat on you, or will give you an STI)?

If they have your best interests at heart and simply don’t understand bisexuality, you might be able to reason with them. Tell them to read about it from a reputable source, and remind them that your boyfriend isn’t more likely to cheat on you or have an STI just because of his sexuality. But if they are opposed for some moral or religious reason, that could be trickier… In that case I would just hold out until you turn 18, and in the mean time, try not to draw too much attention to your relationship or piss off your parents.

As for what they are saying, you can probably diffuse these comments with the some quick responses, because honestly these kinds of comments don’t have much merit.

“He’s just gay and not ready to come out”
Response: Well let’s just wait and see.

“He’s going to cheat”
Response: Any guy could cheat on me. Do you know how many people cheat? A lot. And more importantly, this one hasn’t cheated on me so far, so why would I break up with him for that reason?

“The relationship will go nowhere”
Response: Most 17 year olds’ relationships go nowhere.

Overall, it sounds like your family thinks the relationship is going to fail since your boyfriend is (in their minds) gay and going to cheat on you. First of all, they don’t know either of those things, and certainly not better than you and your boyfriend do.

Second, even if the relationship does fail (I’m not saying it will, but many do at your age), that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t date him. You learn a lot about yourself by dating; you learn what qualities you want in a partner, and what you can put up with etc. For example, my friend Christina figured out she can’t handle guys who always turn and look at other women walking down the street. She tried to put up with it from her first boyfriend, but after they broke up, she knew it wasn’t worth the trouble. Her life was a lot easier and her relationships were a lot happier once she vowed not to date guys that constantly ogle hotter women. If she had never learned that, she could have ended up married to a guy who leers at other women, and spent her life feeling miserable an inadequate.

I, on the other hand, learned a different lesson through dating. I figured out that I don’t care at all if a guy drools over hot women like a brain dead idiot. But I can’t put up with guys who don’t like spicy food. I know this seems like a minor issue, but my dating experience showed me that actually… its not. Dating a guy who can’t handle spicy food makes choosing restaurants and ordering food a constant problem.

Going out to eat just becomes stressful and tense because its nothing but a chance to disagree and to dig up old disagreements about the same issue. If, on the other hand, I date a guy who likes spicy food, the relationship is a lot easier because it eliminates an entire category of things that start fights.

Point being, dating is about learning. You learn so much from dating. And you will come away with that knowledge and experience even if your boyfriend does turn out to be gay, a cheater, a wizard (that would be awesome), or whatever. Maybe you can remind your family of that, and it will get them off your back.

My last point is this: Sorry if it seems like all my advice centers around the idea that he may be gay and it still wont matter. I don’t think he’s gay. I don’t think anyone understands your relationship better than you guys. I just happen to know that when someone says your boyfriend is gay, saying “No he’s not!” doesn’t get your very far. You can’t change their mind. They think he’s gay/a cheater/whatever, and that’s just the end of it as far as they are concerned. If you really want to get people off your back, the best option is sometimes to agree with them but show them even if they are right, it still doesn’t matter. Then hopefully, they will realize they are wasting everyone’s time by trying to make a useless point, and shut up about it.

Jay and Sydney Go Beer Tasting

Jay decided it would be fun to go beer tasting, and sent me a text asking if I would be interested. I’m not really a fan of beer, and it was always my understanding that “tasting” was the worst part of the beer experience, while being drunk afterwards was the payoff. So I sent Jay a text back saying something like “Please don’t be offended, but I’d rather taste other stuff, including things that aren’t edible like glue or tree bark.”

Unfortunately, I didn’t send the text to Jay, I sent it to Janice, a friend that I have fallen out of touch with. So when I showed up at Jay’s house a few days later, he was under the impression that we were going beer tasting. (It was then that I looked back at my phone and saw the mistake. I wondered why Janice hadn’t responded, asking what the heck I was talking about. I guess she has learned to ignore my nonsense, like most of my friends have.)

I was mildly annoyed about the beer tasting, because what it really meant is that I would have to follow Jay around, make sure he didn’t get into trouble, and then drag his ass to a cab when he was too drunk to handle such simple tasks. I’m not a fan of baby-sitting drunk Jay. I’m usually pretty good at controlling drunk guy friends because I’m freakishly strong for a girl. For example, my friend Max is 6’3” and I can give him piggy back rides if he’s too inebriated or tired to walk (I’m not even joking). Max, however, is a lazy sack of crap whose athletic activities consist of “surfing” (standing on the beach with a board and trying to hit on girls) and driving manual transmission cars. If I need to physically overpower him, it is in the realm of possibility. Jay on the other hand is an actual athlete- at least he was until graduating from college last year- meaning if he sets his drunk mind on something, very few people can overpower him, except for, perhaps, other division one athletes. I learned this lesson the hard way when, on the way home from a bar, Jay decided to hassle a crack head who was minding his own business, doing crack head things. It took another guy friend and myself to shove Jay down the street, even with my freakish girl strength.

I made sure to whine a little bit on the way to the beer tasting, just in preparation for the debacle it was sure to be.

“Why couldn’t we go taste something else?”

“Like what?” he said.

“Wings.”

“They have hot-wings here,” he said.

That was a game changer. Hot-wings instantly take any situation from miserable to completely tolerable, and from tolerable to freaking awesome. So the first thing we did was stand in line for wings, and then eat them huddled around a small table. The entire time, Jay was saying, “Come on! All the beer’s gonna be gone,” and I was shouting, “Don’t rush me!”

Aside from the hotwings, not much about the beer tasting was particularly memorable. We tasted beers; that was pretty much it. Jay told me all about the colors and the flavors and subtleties of the beers, but I didn’t really appreciate what he was talking about. Some one who cares more about beers probably would have loved it…

I know this blog is called, “So I’m Dating This Bisexual Guy” so I feel like I should say something on topic. But nothing bisexual happened at the beer tasting (and why would it?). The closest thing was that we both stopped to watch a group of guys dressed in sailor costumes dance in front of a DJ booth. #Hot. Also, every time we went to taste a beer, Jay made me get a different flavor and drank mine too, and I almost made the joke, “Wow, you really like to have it both ways.” But I didn’t say it because I wasn’t sure he would appreciate that kind of humor. I really don’t know if he likes to be teased about his sexuality. Honestly I still haven’t tested the waters because I’m too scared.

Overall, beer tasting is pretty uneventful, and has very little to do with sexuality- unless you count the fact that it reminded me of a brilliant plan: One of these days I’m going to get Jay really drunk and ask him all the important questions like “If I had a penis but looked like a girl, would you still like me?” and “Have you ever thought about one of your guy friends in a dirty way?” But these are all questions for another day because beer tasting didn’t get him quite drunk enough 😉