Tag Archives: bisexual dating

Bisexual Guys Survey is READY!!!

Screen Shot of Survey

One of the things I’ve wanted to do, ever since I started dating Jay and had trouble finding information about bi guys, is conduct a survey of bisexual men. This would be soooo helpful. It would show that everyone is different, and it would answer a lot of the questions straight women (and gay guys… and straight guys, and lesbians, and bi women, and everyone else) have about bisexual males.

I have FINALLY gotten the survey up, with help from a few other ladies, and with help from Jay (who really wasn’t that helpful. He contributed like ONE question). I would LOVE it if all my bi male readers would take the survey.

Click here to take it!

It’s anonymous, so please answer honestly if you can. When I get enough responses, I am going to share some of the findings, in the form of colorful charts and graphs.

Some of the questions are a personal, some are totally naughty;  if you don’t want to answer something, leave it blank. You can also write ‘fuck you sydney’ in the comment box if I’ve made you uncomfortable and you want to express your anger.

I really think this will be helpful, and lift away some of the mystery that surrounds bisexual guys.

Please take the survey, and PLEASE send it to any other bisexual guys that you know. Also, please offer suggestions on how I can find other bi guys to participate.

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Straight Bro Drama at Chinese Hot Pot

In case you're wondering, that's Miss Lotus Blossom and Max (in his hobo sweatshirt) in the background.

In case you’re wondering, that’s Miss Lotus Blossom and Max (in his hobo sweatshirt) in the background.

As I’ve mentioned I have a lot of guy friends. First of all there is Max, who I’ve written about a couple times- and who now knows about this blog, so I can never say anything bad about him on it again… Hi Max. Sorry I called you a womanizer.

Who am I kidding. Max isn’t reading this. He doesn’t like to hear about my life when I’m telling him in person; there’s no way he’s reading about here.

Then there’s Stephen. Stephen is a good guy. You know how you know someone who’s really chill, and when someone else asks you about them, you say, “Oh yeah, he’s a good guy”? That’s what everyone says about Stephen. He’s just one of those people who’s nice, and funny, and a natural leader.

So Max and Stephen and I were hanging out and chatting, and we decided we should go to dinner. It was between Brazilian BBQ or Chinese hot pot, and I wanted hot pot, and I had a tantrum about it, so I got my way. (If you’ve never had Chinese hot pot… you should. It’s so good. I’ve literally tried to befriend random Chinese people in the hopes that they will go with me to hot pot).

I invited Jay, and Max invited his girlfriend, who will be referred to as Miss Lotus Blossom (because she’s beautiful and modeled in Asia before moving here… and also because I’ve called her this before, and I know Max hates it). We also invited another guy friend, Ray, so that Stephen wouldn’t feel like a 5th wheel. Miss Lotus Blossom and I were technically diluting the bro-iness of the group, but between Max, Stephen, and Ray, I felt like it was going to be a pretty bro-y evening.

Stephen and I got there first, and fought to get the last two seats in the waiting area, since this, and pretty much every other hot pot place wont seat you until your whole damn party has arrived. They make you stand in line like it’s the fuckin XS Night Club of Asian food and you’re not on the list bitch… What am I talking about? Oh yeah, so Jay arrived next, and this is when the straight bro drama started. You may never have noticed, but guys say stuff that is mildly homophobic like… all the time. I don’t think they mean anything bad by it, and honestly I never noticed it before. Since I started dating Jay, however, I’ve been more aware of all the mildly homophobic things straight guys say without evening meaning to.

So Jay came in, and Stephen and I were sitting in the chairs, and I said to Jay, “I’d offer you my chair, but… I don’t want to.”

Stephen laughed, then said, “I’d offer you my chair, but a dude offering his chair to another dude seems kinda gay.”

Stephen laughed, and Jay laughed too. But for a second, I got super paranoid. I was worried Jay might be offended, or at least uncomfortable. I was also worried Stephen might keep going and say something worse; he doesn’t know Jay is bi, and, truthfully he has said some slightly offensive things about gay people in the past. I know, crucify me, I shouldn’t be friends with someone like that… But we all have our flaws, and Stephen’s is that he’s oblivious to the fact that some things he says might be offensive. It’s not like he’s going around looking for queers to beat up; he just makes offensive jokes sometimes when he thinks no gay people are around.

Stephen’s comment wasn’t that big of a deal. Jay didn’t seem to notice it, and I was the only one glancing around like a paranoid spaz, wondering if things were about to get awkward.

Max, Ray, and Miss Lotus Blossom arrived, and we all sat down. We ate our hot pot, and we talked about other restaurants we should try. I showed Jay the proper way to cook his vegetables. I got really mad when he started eating pieces of beef I had put in the pot. Miss Lotus Blossom told me that I was being too greedy and that in that most Asian cultures, everything that goes into the pot is considered communal. I told her to fuck off. (Just kidding. I have to be polite to her, otherwise she might use her beautiful voodoo to convince Max not to be friends with me).

As much as I was enjoying hoarding all the beef and watching Max get upset when Miss Lotus Blossom told him he was too white to use chopsticks properly, I couldn’t shake the paranoia that had set in earlier. With all the guys together, I spent the whole night worrying that someone might say something like “No-homo” or “that’s so gay”. I thought back to other times we had all hung out and tried to remember how often anti-gay comments were made. It was hard to tell because I had never bothered to keep track of those comments before.

There was another questionable incident when the check came; Max and Ray started Fake Gay-ing Out. Fake Gay-ing Out is that thing when two straight guys pretend to act gay because they think its funny. When I explain what they did, you’ll understand.

So the check came, and Max said he would be paying Ray’s share. Stephen asked why, and Max started to say Ray left his wallet somewhere, but then Ray interrupted and looked at Max and said, “It’s because I had a really nice time tonight,” in a fake sexy voice. Then they burst out laughing. Ray continued, laughing the whole time, “Didn’t you know this was a date? I always go on dates with Max.”

Again, everyone was laughing, and Stephen said, “Uh oh, does [Miss Lotus Blossom] know about this?” (Obviously he called her by her actual name.)

Miss Lotus Blossom rolled her eyes and said, “Of course. They are practically lovers.” She was referring to the fact that Max and Ray have an intense bromance.

The hilarity continued and people shouted comments like “It’s not cheating if its one of your bros!”

“But she’s cool with it, right?” Ray joked.

“Whatever,” Miss Lotus Blossom said.

Stephen was still laughing, and said, “How far can they go before you would be mad? Could they make out?”

“They almost do,” she said, shaking her head. “All their high five-ing and wrestling when they see each other.”

The worst part was, I was afraid someone might turn the conversation on me, and say something like “How about you, would you be mad if Jay made out with one of his bros?” And then I would freeze up and get all awkward, knowing that Max and Jay and I appreciate the significance of that question, but everyone else thinks its silliness. And then everyone would be wondering why we got all quiet, and they would suspect something was up… Luckily, I was just being paranoid, and none of that happened. They just laughed it off and paid the check.

I am not sure if any of this made Jay uncomfortable. Maybe he didn’t care, and maybe its weird that I think he would care. It made me a little uncomfortable because the whole time I was thinking, “I have wondered in seriousness how mad I would be if my boyfriend made out with another guy…” But to them, it was so absurd, that it was just joke. (The answer, if anyone is wondering is that I would be pretty ticked off if Jay made out with another guy and tried to hide it from me, but the anger would be more about the lying and hiding, not so much about the making out.)

For what its worth, Max didn’t contribute to the Fake Gaying Out. He’s the only one who knows about Jay, and that might be why. Or he may have just been in a prime beef and house noodles food coma.

Later, I asked Jay if Stuff like Stephen’s comment about the chairs makes him feel weird, and he said it does but only for like 30 seconds and then he forgets about it. I forgot to ask him about the Fake Gaying Out, but I probably should… What do you guys think? Offensive or not?

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This One Time, I Found a Real Live Bi Guy & Started Caring About Bisexual Issues…

Hello All,

Today I’m going to give you the more detailed version of what this blog is and why I made it. Allow me to be serious for a moment.

A’hem.

We’re living in a day an age where lots of formerly disenfranchised people are getting the recognition and acceptance they deserve. Sure, ethnic minorities may face discrimination and women make 80 cents for every dollar a man makes; but I’m not particularly afraid of being burned on a stake like in the dark ages (I’m especially thankful for this one, because I just have this feeling like I’m the kind of person that would have totally been accused of being a witch… not sure why.) So yeah, there’s still racism, homophobia, sexism, etc. but face it, we’re living in a golden age.

All sorts of lifestyles are becoming mainstream and accepted, as misinformation and fear is replaced by reality. Back in the day, (some) people imagined the gay community as sexual deviants wandering around seedy parts of San Francisco, and lingering in bus station bathrooms. Nowadays we see them as friends from work and next door neighbors- you know, regular people. TV, Movies, and the internet, have helped as well by depicting all sorts of people and lifestyles as normal and acceptable.  And at the mercy of the almighty media, “mainstream” society had to calm the fuck down and stop letting the few bad apples and weirdoes shape its view of an entire group.

But somehow none of this awesome enlightened thinking seems to apply to bisexual people. (I guess I mean bisexual men; I don’t know anything about bisexual women and have no authority to discuss them.) It’s like there’s some kind of footnote that says “But not for bisexuals; go ahead and keep hating on them. Gays, you can even join in if you want to.” When was the last time a character on TV was bisexual, without it being some big fat, negative scandal? (Maybe like Marissa on the OC?? Even then people were saying she was a lesbian, and then it sort of turned out to be a phase… I dunno.) Young bisexual people don’t really have any good role models…especially males.

There’s such misinformation, lack of visibility, ignorance and phobia when it comes to bisexual men.

I didn’t appreciate that bi-phobia and bi-invisibility were issues until I started dating a bisexual guy (I probably assumed “bi phobia” was the fear of two things at once). Jay didn’t tell me about the ignorance and misunderstanding bisexual guys face; instead, I discovered it on my own while I was looking for other information about bisexuality.

When I started going out with Jay, I didn’t know much about bisexuality at all. I knew there were some people who liked men, some people who liked women, and some people who liked both. I figured he was just a person with the ability to like both, and left it at that.

But then I started thinking more about it. There might be some sort of bisexual culture I should learn about. What if there were like secret bisexual things I was now entitled/obligated to know? (One time I dated this Jewish guy, and I learned that there were all sorts of Jewish secrets…) What were these secret things? Who knows. But they might exist and I might want to know about them.

I also started having legitimate questions.  Was I supposed to tell my friends he was bisexual? I mean on the one hand, its not really any one else’s business. But if I don’t tell people, is that offensive? Does that mean I’m ashamed of him and trying to force him back in the closet? And also, am I allowed to make jokes about his sexuality? I mean he jokes about it, but maybe its one of those things where its only okay for some people (you know like saying the n word). I mean, I’m a complete idiot¾ how was I supposed to know any of this stuff?

I know some of you are thinking, “Well, you can just ask him how he feels about it…” BULL. SHIT. You know that no one asks the person they’re dating about anything. Think about it: Say you’re trying to decide what kind of bra to wear on a date (you know, so when he takes your clothes off, you look nice, but not so nice that he thinks you were planning for it to happen…) Do you call up the guy and say, “Well how do you feel about this…”? No! You call your best friend, or look at pictures of bras online, or read cosmo or something.

I needed a friend! I needed the internet! I needed cosmo! But none of these sources had particularly good advice on dating bisexual men. Let me clarify- there are some internet sources that offer helpful information on bisexuality in men, but many sources offer conflicting information. And none of them answer the important questions like “Does he notice my outfit more than a straight guy would?” and “Is it offensive to wonder that?” and “Can I ask him, or is that rude?”

Obviously, these answers will be different based on the individual, but… I dunno…. I just wanna contribute to the information pool with the things I’ve learned to far. I also want to ask questions! And hopefully bi guys, or bi girls, or straight girls dating bi guys, or anyone who has met a bi person will give me some answers! Anyone’s perspective will help shed more light on the mysterious topic of bisexuality in men.

And most importantly, I wanted to give young bi dudes one perspective on what their life could be like if they come out. There’s no shortage of info on how to keep it a secret, stay on the down low, and get a little dick on the side whenever you have a chance, while otherwise maintaining a ‘normal’ marriage to some poor unknowing woman (just look through the bi hookup sites). But I don’t think this is the way most bisexual guys act. I think there are plenty of normal bi dudes in normal relationships (with women or with gay/bi men) who aren’t sneaking around on the down low. But these guys don’t get a lot of attention because… well, I dunno. I guess because they don’t have to broadcast their information on the internet because they aren’t looking for one night stands…?

I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter. I just wanted to make the point that the regular non-scandalous relationships don’t get a lot of hype, but knowing that they exist could be really important for young bi guys thinking about coming out.

And now presenting:

Me, the beautiful, awesome Sydney;

Sharing my observations on dating a certain bisexual guy.

Sydney S.

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