Tag Archives: Biphobia

Full Version of Conversation w/ Reader

Some of you may remember when an angry reader invited me to call him on the phone, so he could condemn my relationship with a bi guy. I posted a video summarizing our conversation. Unfortunately, he accused me of altering and misrepresenting our conversation, to make myself seem more favorable, and insisted I post the ‘real’ version, showing what really happened

I apologize if my summary was inaccurate. I shortened the conversation, and only showed key points, but I don’t think I was misleading. Out of fairness to this person, this is the original version; you can decide for yourselves if I was fair or not.

I want to once again express my love and support for the gay community. I know that it is very difficult for men to come out as gay, and I wish that no gay man would ever feel pressured to act straight or hide his true identity. I also understand that a gay man who has managed to embrace his own sexual orientation might resent a guy who is not strong enough to do that and ‘pretends’ to be attracted to women. But I have to insist that there are bisexual men who are genuinely attracted to women as well as men, and it is very hard for them to hear that just because you were never really bi, that they must be the same as you. That’s as hurtful as when straight men claim that being gay is a choice- just because they are attracted to women, that means that you are just ‘choosing’ to be gay? Of course not.

Every needs to understand that just because someone’s sexuality is different from their own, it doesn’t mean that any sexuality is less legitimate.

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Problematic Information About Bisexual Men on the Internet: Bisexuality & Non-Monogamy

While I was writing the title of this post, I realized I may have made up the word “non-monogamy”. But you know what I mean.

When last I left off, I was lamenting how the existence of male bisexuality was questioned as recently as 2005. Think about it: How upsetting was that for guys thinking they might be bi in 2005? They must have been really confused, being told it wasn’t possible. If research was claiming bi men didn’t exist, what did those guys think they were? I like to imagine they knew deep down that the research was wrong, but that is pretty bold. 

After my disappointment with the later disproved 2005 study, I was still thirsty for knowledge about bi dudes, so I continued on my quest. I found that even reputable sites often provided information that was misleading, politically incorrect, or at least confusing. For example, one site suggested that if your boyfriend comes out to you as bisexual, he may want to renegotiate the relationship and ask to see other men. I mean, TECHNICALLY this is true; he MAY do any number of things. But a straight guy may ask to see other women. I don’t understand why everyone seems to equate bisexuality with non-monogamy. Bisexuals don’t have a divine right to open relationships any more than straight people do- Unless, I’m wrong?? (And if I am wrong, I invite bisexuals to please correct me.)

The worst part was, the site said that if your bisexual boyfriend does ask to see other people, don’t say no right away. Srsly? Dude, if you would say no right away to him seeing other chicks, say no right away to him seeing other guys!  Bisexuality does not equal infidelity/non-monogamy/open relationships- UNLESS I’m wrong! Maybe I’m wrong… and that would just suck for all you monogamous bisexuals, because people seeking monogamous relationships will mistakenly avoid you.

I feel like the agreed upon standard should be: Generally bisexual people seek monogamous relationships, just like gay and straight people generally do. And SOME bisexuals seek open relationships, just like SOME gay and straight people do. And if this is not the case, maybe we need a new word for people who are bisexual and monogamous, just to avoid confusion with those who are bisexual and need to be involved with both genders at the SAME TIME.

I guess I just figured straight guys don’t usually expect to date two girls at once, so a bisexual guy wouldn’t seek to date two people at once either. When you commit to one person, you forgo other traits, be it blonde hair if you pick a brunette, height if you pick a short person, and penis if you pick a woman. I don’t see how bisexuality changes any of these rules.

Yet had I ever researched the topic before, I would have come away with different, confused ideas about what bisexuality meant. I would probably have gotten the impression that it was standard (or at least common) for bisexual people to sleep with one person of each gender at the same time. And I’m grateful I never did research the topic, because I probably would not have started dating Jay if I assumed his orientation meant he would require two people at once. But he’s not like that at all, and I’m glad I got to know him first. He’s actually a huge fan of monogamy- more so than I am. (I’m one of those people who’s afraid of making things ‘exclusive’ or ‘too serious.’ But Jay, on the other hand, was fairly eager to be boyfriend & girlfriend. )

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Problematic Information About Bisexual Men on the Internet: The Study

Over the next several posts, I’m going to discuss reasons bisexual men are misunderstood, and how theses reasons freaked me out as I discovered them. There is a lot of information about male bisexuality out there that is misleading, confusing, or only applicable to a small population of outliers in the bisexual male community. I can see how this problematic information makes women scared of bi guys, and I’m glad that, in my ignorance, I didn’t know about these stereotypes and misconceptions at first.

When I first met Jay, I didn’t ‘notice’ his bisexuality. I knew about it, but it wasn’t something I was constantly aware of. He seemed like most of the other guys I’d dated (only cuter, funnier, more clever; I liked to think that I always upgrade, so in my opinion Jay is better than all the others). It was kind of hard to understand that he was bisexual, or what that really meant.

Don’t get me wrong- it’s not that I didn’t believe him. I generally don’t question people’s claims about their sexuality. But… how shall I put this? I believed he was bisexual in the way that I believe Antarctica exists: Obviously it’s true… but I’ve never seen it, and it sounds pretty crazy… and it kinda seems impossible… and yet its true, its really down there, snowing up a storm, covered in ice, unlike anything I’ve ever seen in real life.  In short, it was very foreign to me, hard to picture, yet somehow still real.

The topic of his sexuality didn’t really come up in our conversation. He didn’t ‘do’ anything bisexual (whatever that might be…), so it’s not like it was a big issue after our first few dates. (There was this moment when we were chatting and he said getting turned down for a date doesn’t bother him because there are still 6 billion other people in the world. This is a somewhat common saying that I’ve heard many people mis-state; there are actually only 3 billion because only half of them are the correct gender. I almost corrected him, but then I remembered that in his case, I guess it really was the full 6 billion. Then I thought about the fact that so few men are gay, so technically… at that point he was talking about something else so I let it go). Despite the fact that his sexuality wasn’t a huge topic of discussion, somehow just knowing that about him sort of made me curious.

So one evening, sitting on my bed, I turned to the internet, and typed in ‘bisexual men’. I don’t recommend this, unless you’re looking for dirty videos. If you are looking for dirty videos, then I do recommend it, and suggest adding “MMF” to your search.  I, however, was looking for information on dating bisexual men, and whether it was any different from dating straight men.  Changing my search to ‘bisexuality in males’ and ‘dating bisexual guys information’ was a little more successful.

Websites offered information about bisexuality, lists of common misconceptions, advice on coming out, complaints about ‘bisexual erasure’, etc. But there wasn’t much first hand advice from women dating bi guys, or bi guys dating women. I wanted to hear from a young, hip, sexy chick who had been in my position, and was gonna tell me “Don’t worry, my beautiful little Sydney, it’s all gonna be okay.” But these ladies were few and far between, (even when I was willing to compromise on the personalized shout-out).

What I did find was disheartening. For one thing, the existence of male bisexuality was seriously doubted as recently as 2005, when a study from a reputable research university found no evidence that men could truly be attracted to both genders.  LUCKILY, I very quickly found a more recent study showing that men can indeed be attracted to both genders; the second one also noted flaws in the research methods of the previous study that may have made the results misleading.

I’m ashamed to say that if, in 2005 (as a young and impressionable teenager, never having met a bisexual person) I had read the first study, I would probably have very readily accepted that men calling themselves bisexual were full of shit. I mean it was SCIENCE.  And I suspect that many people did just that. But its 2013, and in 2013, bisexual men do exist, so spread the word.

Stay tuned; the next post in this series will discuss problems with assuming bisexuality is equivalent to non-monogamy. And please feel free to comment on anything I’ve written, ask any questions, argue with me, etc.

Sydney S.

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This One Time, I Found a Real Live Bi Guy & Started Caring About Bisexual Issues…

Hello All,

Today I’m going to give you the more detailed version of what this blog is and why I made it. Allow me to be serious for a moment.

A’hem.

We’re living in a day an age where lots of formerly disenfranchised people are getting the recognition and acceptance they deserve. Sure, ethnic minorities may face discrimination and women make 80 cents for every dollar a man makes; but I’m not particularly afraid of being burned on a stake like in the dark ages (I’m especially thankful for this one, because I just have this feeling like I’m the kind of person that would have totally been accused of being a witch… not sure why.) So yeah, there’s still racism, homophobia, sexism, etc. but face it, we’re living in a golden age.

All sorts of lifestyles are becoming mainstream and accepted, as misinformation and fear is replaced by reality. Back in the day, (some) people imagined the gay community as sexual deviants wandering around seedy parts of San Francisco, and lingering in bus station bathrooms. Nowadays we see them as friends from work and next door neighbors- you know, regular people. TV, Movies, and the internet, have helped as well by depicting all sorts of people and lifestyles as normal and acceptable.  And at the mercy of the almighty media, “mainstream” society had to calm the fuck down and stop letting the few bad apples and weirdoes shape its view of an entire group.

But somehow none of this awesome enlightened thinking seems to apply to bisexual people. (I guess I mean bisexual men; I don’t know anything about bisexual women and have no authority to discuss them.) It’s like there’s some kind of footnote that says “But not for bisexuals; go ahead and keep hating on them. Gays, you can even join in if you want to.” When was the last time a character on TV was bisexual, without it being some big fat, negative scandal? (Maybe like Marissa on the OC?? Even then people were saying she was a lesbian, and then it sort of turned out to be a phase… I dunno.) Young bisexual people don’t really have any good role models…especially males.

There’s such misinformation, lack of visibility, ignorance and phobia when it comes to bisexual men.

I didn’t appreciate that bi-phobia and bi-invisibility were issues until I started dating a bisexual guy (I probably assumed “bi phobia” was the fear of two things at once). Jay didn’t tell me about the ignorance and misunderstanding bisexual guys face; instead, I discovered it on my own while I was looking for other information about bisexuality.

When I started going out with Jay, I didn’t know much about bisexuality at all. I knew there were some people who liked men, some people who liked women, and some people who liked both. I figured he was just a person with the ability to like both, and left it at that.

But then I started thinking more about it. There might be some sort of bisexual culture I should learn about. What if there were like secret bisexual things I was now entitled/obligated to know? (One time I dated this Jewish guy, and I learned that there were all sorts of Jewish secrets…) What were these secret things? Who knows. But they might exist and I might want to know about them.

I also started having legitimate questions.  Was I supposed to tell my friends he was bisexual? I mean on the one hand, its not really any one else’s business. But if I don’t tell people, is that offensive? Does that mean I’m ashamed of him and trying to force him back in the closet? And also, am I allowed to make jokes about his sexuality? I mean he jokes about it, but maybe its one of those things where its only okay for some people (you know like saying the n word). I mean, I’m a complete idiot¾ how was I supposed to know any of this stuff?

I know some of you are thinking, “Well, you can just ask him how he feels about it…” BULL. SHIT. You know that no one asks the person they’re dating about anything. Think about it: Say you’re trying to decide what kind of bra to wear on a date (you know, so when he takes your clothes off, you look nice, but not so nice that he thinks you were planning for it to happen…) Do you call up the guy and say, “Well how do you feel about this…”? No! You call your best friend, or look at pictures of bras online, or read cosmo or something.

I needed a friend! I needed the internet! I needed cosmo! But none of these sources had particularly good advice on dating bisexual men. Let me clarify- there are some internet sources that offer helpful information on bisexuality in men, but many sources offer conflicting information. And none of them answer the important questions like “Does he notice my outfit more than a straight guy would?” and “Is it offensive to wonder that?” and “Can I ask him, or is that rude?”

Obviously, these answers will be different based on the individual, but… I dunno…. I just wanna contribute to the information pool with the things I’ve learned to far. I also want to ask questions! And hopefully bi guys, or bi girls, or straight girls dating bi guys, or anyone who has met a bi person will give me some answers! Anyone’s perspective will help shed more light on the mysterious topic of bisexuality in men.

And most importantly, I wanted to give young bi dudes one perspective on what their life could be like if they come out. There’s no shortage of info on how to keep it a secret, stay on the down low, and get a little dick on the side whenever you have a chance, while otherwise maintaining a ‘normal’ marriage to some poor unknowing woman (just look through the bi hookup sites). But I don’t think this is the way most bisexual guys act. I think there are plenty of normal bi dudes in normal relationships (with women or with gay/bi men) who aren’t sneaking around on the down low. But these guys don’t get a lot of attention because… well, I dunno. I guess because they don’t have to broadcast their information on the internet because they aren’t looking for one night stands…?

I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter. I just wanted to make the point that the regular non-scandalous relationships don’t get a lot of hype, but knowing that they exist could be really important for young bi guys thinking about coming out.

And now presenting:

Me, the beautiful, awesome Sydney;

Sharing my observations on dating a certain bisexual guy.

Sydney S.

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Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About a Girl and Her Bisexual Boyfriend

Hello World,

My name is Sydney, and this is my blog. I’ve decided to keep it simple for this first post. I’ll go into all sorts of detail later, but for now, I just wanted to introduce the basics. Put simply, this blog is my account of what its like dating a bi guy. When I started dating him (his name is Jay), I discovered there wasn’t enough candid info about dating bisexual males, so I wanted to provide some. As one of the few women dating a bisexual male, I felt it was my duty to reveal all the juicy details about my life, his life, and how his sexuality plays a role in our relationship. So get ready for information, jokes, questions, answers, musings, wonderings, sex tips, ignorance, and… like I said, everything you ever wanted to know. Stay tuned.

Sydney S.

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