Unlike most girls, I have a guy for a best friend, and he’s the best friend anyone could ever ask for. I love him becuase we both like Archer, Sushi, and secretly warming up in the car before going out to Karaoke. He’s also awesome because, despite being super, super straight, he’s totally accepting of all types of people and lifetyles. A lot of straight guys are squeemish around gay guys, but Max is totally down to hang out/hug/dance with his gay guy friends; according to Max, it doesn’t mean anything becuase he’s confident in his straightness. And I agree.
When I say Max is super striaght, it’s hard to explain what I mean. He’s not a christian minister or anything- far from it. He’s just a guy that he loves imported sports cars, surfing, talking business over a nice scotch… and vagina. He loves vagina. He would ruin his life chasing vagina. I have watched this guy spend countless hours (not to mention money) trying to get into girls pants. What kind of girls? Eh… any kind as long as they are pretty. Seating hostesses, bartenders, any of his sluttier neighbors- he just loves having sex with girls. I’m not sure how he does it either; I’ve sat back and watched start to finish as he picked up some coat check girl at whatever lounge we were at. And the entire time I think “I can’t believe she’s buying his bullshit! She thinks she’s the first girl he’s said this line to? I feel like I should warn her…” But I never do becuase that would be cock-blocking, and a serious violation of the Bro-code.
Since Max is my best friend, he was the first person that I told about Jay’s sexuality. People knew Jay and I were dating, and many of my friends had met him, but none of my friends knew he was bi. I hinted at it to some of my girl friends, in the form of, “So would you ever date a bi guy?” But most of them seemed very hesitant, so I didn’t say anything else about it. But I knew Max would suppport me, and indeed he did. When I mentioned it, he said, “Oh, he is? That’s cool.” He definately seemed surprised, but that was probably becuase he was thinking ‘where do you even find a bi guy?’
Since then, Max is my go to confidante for any relationship problems that have to do with Jay being bisexual. For example, I got really upset over it when Jay implied the way he treats me is different than the way he would treat a guy he was dating (he now denies meaning this, claiming that I misunderstood him…) Anyway, I brought the problem up to Max, and he said, “Wow that is the kind of thing that would only come up between you and Jay.”
The other day, Max and I were having one of our special lunch chats, and I brought up the fact that Jay gets more jealous than I do.
“That doesn’t surprise me,” Max said. “You never get jealous.”
This is true; I was born without the jealousy bone.
“Although,” Max said. “I wouldn’t think Jay would be jealous becuase he’s… you know”
“What?” I said. “Bisexual?”
“Oh,” I said, glaring at him. “Becuase all bisexual people are promiscuous?”
“No, no. Calm down,” Max said. “I just meant that, since he’s out about it, it probably means he has done a lot of self reflecting. And that he’s probably very mature. And mature, self-reflecting people ussually aren’t the jealous type, becuase jealously is ussually unfounded and immature.”
At that point, I noticed there was a guy sitting at the table next to us. He was about in his early 30’s… this chubby little Asian guy in glasses and a suit- not a dorky suit, but a pretty sharp suit; the glasses, however, were kind of dorky. (I don’t think his race plays any part in his reaction, but I’m just trying to paint the picture.) This guy was trying to eavesdrop without looking like he’s evesdropping.
Max went on, “So what is it like… you know, in bed? Is it the same?” Max clearly didn’t notice that we were making Mr. Glasses both uncomfortable and fascinated. And if he had noticed he certainly would not have cared. Max is not one to censor himself. One time at this latin american fusion place, he was looking at the bottles of top shelf liquors, and announced loudly, “Don’t some of those bottles kind of look like butt plugs?” The mom with her 2 kids at the table next to us was not amused.
“I don’t know. Yeah it’s the same I guess.” I glanced back at the glasses guy. He was trying to keep his head towards his i-pad, but strain his eyes to look at us But Max went on, totally oblivious.
“You can’t tell that he’s fucked guys?””
“No… how would I?” I said.
“I don’t know,” Max said. “I’ve never thought about it, but it seems like maybe there would be some way.”
The glasses guy was so agitated at this point, he was twitching, trying to figure out whether to just look at us or not. I sighed, and thought back to another time when Max had been totally oblivious. We were standing in line near a lady and her really ugly baby in a stroller. Max was cassually looking at the baby, when he said, “I hope my baby doesn’t turn out ugly.” The lady had glared at us. I mean, it’s not like Max explicitly SAID her baby was what brought that to mind… but it was pretty obvious.
“Does Jay think I’m hot?” Max asked. (That is the nature of Max; he is 0% homophobic, and 100% narcissitic and insecure. No one is allowed to not think he is hot. Not even gay guys…. especially not gay guys.)
“Yeah,” I said. “But you’re not his type.”
I considered adding, ‘What Jay really likes is chubby asian guys with i-pads’ just to mess with Mr. Glasses… but, I don’t know, there was something I liked about him. I mean sure he seemed way too uptight, but he also seemed more fascinated than judgemental. And I admired his ability to shameless eavesdrop on someone elses conversation.
Anyway, the point of this story was to introduce Max; Mr. Glasses was just a side benefit. Max is my most favoritest friend, and the only one who’s down to talk about my bi boyfriend, without getting all antsy about it. The world needs more straight guys like Max… except we’d have to double our supply of hot girls and scotch to keep them all satisfied.