Monthly Archives: September 2013

Heart to Heart with my Super Straight Friend Max

Unlike most girls, I have a guy for a best friend, and he’s the best friend anyone could ever ask for. I love him becuase we both like Archer, Sushi, and secretly warming up in the car before going out to Karaoke. He’s also awesome because, despite being super, super straight, he’s totally accepting of all types of people and lifetyles. A lot of straight guys are squeemish around gay guys, but Max is totally down to hang out/hug/dance with his gay guy friends; according to Max, it doesn’t mean anything becuase he’s confident in his straightness. And I agree.

When I say Max is super striaght, it’s hard to explain what I mean. He’s not a christian minister or anything- far from it. He’s just a guy that he loves imported sports cars, surfing, talking business over a nice scotch… and vagina. He loves vagina. He would ruin his life chasing vagina. I have watched this guy spend countless hours (not to mention money) trying to get into girls pants. What kind of girls? Eh… any kind as long as they are pretty. Seating hostesses, bartenders, any of his sluttier neighbors- he just loves having sex with girls. I’m not sure how he does it either; I’ve sat back and watched start to finish as he picked up some coat check girl at whatever lounge we were at. And the entire time I think “I can’t believe she’s buying his bullshit! She thinks she’s the first girl he’s said this line to? I feel like I should warn her…” But I never do becuase that would be cock-blocking, and a serious violation of the Bro-code. 

Since Max is my best friend, he was the first person that I told about Jay’s sexuality. People knew Jay and I were dating, and many of my friends had met him, but none of my friends knew he was bi. I hinted at it to some of my girl friends, in the form of, “So would you ever date a bi guy?” But most of them seemed very hesitant, so I didn’t say anything else about it. But I knew Max would suppport me, and indeed he did. When I mentioned it, he said, “Oh, he is? That’s cool.” He definately seemed surprised, but that was probably becuase he was thinking ‘where do you even find a bi guy?’

Since then, Max is my go to confidante for any relationship problems that have to do with Jay being bisexual. For example, I got really upset over it when Jay implied the way he treats me is different than the way he would treat a guy he was dating (he now denies meaning this, claiming that I misunderstood him…) Anyway, I brought the problem up to Max, and he said, “Wow that is the kind of thing that would only come up between you and Jay.”

The other day, Max and I were having one of our special lunch chats, and I brought up the fact that Jay gets more jealous than I do.

“That doesn’t surprise me,” Max said. “You never get jealous.”

This is true; I was born without the jealousy bone.

“Although,” Max said. “I wouldn’t think Jay would be jealous becuase he’s… you know”

“What?” I said. “Bisexual?”

“Well… yeah.”

“Oh,” I said, glaring at him. “Becuase all bisexual people are promiscuous?”

“No, no. Calm down,” Max said. “I just meant that, since he’s out about it, it probably means he has done a lot of self reflecting. And that he’s probably very mature. And mature, self-reflecting people ussually aren’t the jealous type, becuase jealously is ussually unfounded and immature.”

I nodded.

At that point, I noticed there was a guy sitting at the table next to us. He was about in his early 30’s… this chubby little Asian guy in glasses and a suit- not a dorky suit, but a pretty sharp suit; the glasses, however, were kind of dorky. (I don’t think his race plays any part in his reaction, but I’m just trying to paint the picture.) This guy was trying to eavesdrop without looking like he’s evesdropping.

Max went on, “So what is it like… you know, in bed? Is it the same?” Max clearly didn’t notice that we were making Mr. Glasses both uncomfortable and fascinated. And if he had noticed he certainly would not have cared. Max is not one to censor himself. One time at this latin american fusion place, he was looking at the bottles of top shelf liquors, and announced loudly, “Don’t some of those bottles kind of look like butt plugs?” The mom with her 2 kids at the table next to us was not amused.

“I don’t know. Yeah it’s the same I guess.” I glanced back at the glasses guy. He was trying to keep his head towards his i-pad, but strain his eyes to look at us But Max went on, totally oblivious.

“You can’t tell that he’s fucked guys?””

“No… how would I?” I said.

“I don’t know,” Max said. “I’ve never thought about it, but it seems like maybe there would be some way.”

The glasses guy was so agitated at this point, he was twitching, trying to figure out whether to just look at us or not. I sighed, and thought back to another time when Max had been totally oblivious. We were standing in line near a lady and her really ugly baby in a stroller. Max was cassually looking at the baby, when he said, “I hope my baby doesn’t turn out ugly.” The lady had glared at us. I mean, it’s not like Max explicitly SAID her baby was what brought that to mind… but it was pretty obvious.

“Does Jay think I’m hot?” Max asked. (That is the nature of Max; he is 0% homophobic, and 100% narcissitic and insecure. No one is allowed to not think he is hot. Not even gay guys…. especially not gay guys.)

“Yeah,” I said. “But you’re not his type.”

I considered adding, ‘What Jay really likes is chubby asian guys with i-pads’ just to mess with Mr. Glasses… but, I don’t know, there was something I liked about him. I mean sure he seemed way too uptight, but he also seemed more fascinated than judgemental. And I admired his ability to shameless eavesdrop on someone elses conversation.

Anyway, the point of this story was to introduce Max; Mr. Glasses was just a side benefit. Max is my most favoritest friend, and the only one who’s down to talk about my bi boyfriend, without getting all antsy about it. The world needs more straight guys like Max… except we’d have to double our supply of hot girls and scotch to keep them all satisfied.

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Bisexual Visibility Day

So guess what today, September 23, is??? Bisexual Visibility Day. I know, right?  

I’ve always said that September needed a holiday. When I was younger I tried to start one; I called it “Septemberday”. I even came up with some Septemberday traditions, but the only one I could really think of was cake. And a holiday dedicated entirely to eating cake is pretty weak.   But now September has a real holiday, and one worth celebrating.  

I found out about Bisexual Visibilty Day from reading another blog about bisexuality (I spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to get more connected to the bi community). It kind of annoyed me that Jay didn’t tell me about it, but that didn’t surprise me, especially considering he didn’t even know what it was. (Worst bisexual ever, right??) Our text conversation went something like this:  

Me: Did you know there was a bisexual visibility day?  

Jay: No. When?  

Me: Sep. 23  

Jay: Oh. Awesome.  

Me: You should make sure to be really visible that day… Like, walk around outside a lot.  

(Then he was quiet for like 10 minutes)  

Me: Why aren’t you laughing?  

Jay: Hahaha. That was really funny.  

Me: You didn’t laugh until I asked you to.  

Jay: Calm down, I just wasn’t holding my phone. You are too impatient for reactions to your jokes.  

Anyway, to get back at him for not knowing/telling me about this holiday, I am going to force him to celebrate. Jay is already fairly ‘visible’ when it comes to his bisexuality. For example, most of his friends know about it, and his facebook even says “interested in men and women”. So I have to think of a way to step it up a notch.  

Some ideas I have come up with so far:  

-Threeway #IsThatOffensive?
-Cake (duh. Just because it’s not Septemberday doesn’t mean we can’t have cake)
-Stand on my roof with a megaphone yelling, “Just so everyone knows, my boyfriend likes chicks and dudes!”
-Tell my grandma I’m dating a bisexual guy (She probably doesnt even know what that is… She’s real old)
-Tape fliers of Jay’s face all over the neighborhood (nothing says he has to broadcast that hes bisexual; techically he just has to be “visible”)  

Overall, I’m pretty sure all these ideas would make Jay really annoyed… Except the cake… And maybe the threeway… Not sure. He’s not secretive about his sexuality at all. Its on facebook and anything on facebook is clearly public knowledge. His anger would probably stem from the fact that he doesn’t really like it when I do stuff to unnecessarily make a scene. This is a key difference between us- Im the mischevious one who likes to make trouble just to see how it will pan out. Hes the one who likes to avoid unnecesary problems. I spend my life thinking “I wonder what will happen if I do this?” while his view seems to be “I don’t really care to know what will happen if I do this, so theres no need for me to do it”. For a bisexual person, he’s not very curious. #IsThatOffensive?  

Overall I suspect Jay will probably not come up with a creative way to celebrate bisexual visibility day- he probably feels his normal amount of visibility is just enough. But this day will be an excuse to get cake, so… I call this one a win

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Shit Bisexual Guys Say

I found this video on youtube, and I love it. First of all, this guy is adorable. Second of all, the video is really funny.

I originally watched this short video when Jay and I first started going out- I wanted info on what a bisexual guy might say or do. Since then I’ve heard Jay say at least half the things on this list. On our third date he started talking about animals that are bisexual (“Did you know penguins are bisexual? Dolphins are also bisexual…”), and I was trying really hard not to laugh. I knew it was just a matter of time before he told me William Shakespeare was bisexual- and indeed, he did not disappoint.

On a somewhat related note, I often wonder whether there is bisexual humor. Most other communities have their own brand of humor- think about it, there are Black comedians, there are Asian comedians, there are gay comedians, there are nerdy comedians… Are there any bisexual comedians? I think there should be. I would nominate Jay but he’s not that funny… I guess for now the creator of this video has a monopoly on bisexual humor. I hope he’s prepared to bear that burden!

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September 20, 2013 · 1:39 am

Jay and Sydney Go Beer Tasting

Jay decided it would be fun to go beer tasting, and sent me a text asking if I would be interested. I’m not really a fan of beer, and it was always my understanding that “tasting” was the worst part of the beer experience, while being drunk afterwards was the payoff. So I sent Jay a text back saying something like “Please don’t be offended, but I’d rather taste other stuff, including things that aren’t edible like glue or tree bark.”

Unfortunately, I didn’t send the text to Jay, I sent it to Janice, a friend that I have fallen out of touch with. So when I showed up at Jay’s house a few days later, he was under the impression that we were going beer tasting. (It was then that I looked back at my phone and saw the mistake. I wondered why Janice hadn’t responded, asking what the heck I was talking about. I guess she has learned to ignore my nonsense, like most of my friends have.)

I was mildly annoyed about the beer tasting, because what it really meant is that I would have to follow Jay around, make sure he didn’t get into trouble, and then drag his ass to a cab when he was too drunk to handle such simple tasks. I’m not a fan of baby-sitting drunk Jay. I’m usually pretty good at controlling drunk guy friends because I’m freakishly strong for a girl. For example, my friend Max is 6’3” and I can give him piggy back rides if he’s too inebriated or tired to walk (I’m not even joking). Max, however, is a lazy sack of crap whose athletic activities consist of “surfing” (standing on the beach with a board and trying to hit on girls) and driving manual transmission cars. If I need to physically overpower him, it is in the realm of possibility. Jay on the other hand is an actual athlete- at least he was until graduating from college last year- meaning if he sets his drunk mind on something, very few people can overpower him, except for, perhaps, other division one athletes. I learned this lesson the hard way when, on the way home from a bar, Jay decided to hassle a crack head who was minding his own business, doing crack head things. It took another guy friend and myself to shove Jay down the street, even with my freakish girl strength.

I made sure to whine a little bit on the way to the beer tasting, just in preparation for the debacle it was sure to be.

“Why couldn’t we go taste something else?”

“Like what?” he said.

“Wings.”

“They have hot-wings here,” he said.

That was a game changer. Hot-wings instantly take any situation from miserable to completely tolerable, and from tolerable to freaking awesome. So the first thing we did was stand in line for wings, and then eat them huddled around a small table. The entire time, Jay was saying, “Come on! All the beer’s gonna be gone,” and I was shouting, “Don’t rush me!”

Aside from the hotwings, not much about the beer tasting was particularly memorable. We tasted beers; that was pretty much it. Jay told me all about the colors and the flavors and subtleties of the beers, but I didn’t really appreciate what he was talking about. Some one who cares more about beers probably would have loved it…

I know this blog is called, “So I’m Dating This Bisexual Guy” so I feel like I should say something on topic. But nothing bisexual happened at the beer tasting (and why would it?). The closest thing was that we both stopped to watch a group of guys dressed in sailor costumes dance in front of a DJ booth. #Hot. Also, every time we went to taste a beer, Jay made me get a different flavor and drank mine too, and I almost made the joke, “Wow, you really like to have it both ways.” But I didn’t say it because I wasn’t sure he would appreciate that kind of humor. I really don’t know if he likes to be teased about his sexuality. Honestly I still haven’t tested the waters because I’m too scared.

Overall, beer tasting is pretty uneventful, and has very little to do with sexuality- unless you count the fact that it reminded me of a brilliant plan: One of these days I’m going to get Jay really drunk and ask him all the important questions like “If I had a penis but looked like a girl, would you still like me?” and “Have you ever thought about one of your guy friends in a dirty way?” But these are all questions for another day because beer tasting didn’t get him quite drunk enough 😉

 

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