Tag Archives: cheating

Advice Attempt for 17 yr. old Girl w/ Bi Boyfriend

“No one else I have encountered is in this situation. I’m 17, and my boyfriend is bisexual, and he only recently publicly came out. To say that my parents were displeased would be an understatement. I basically get told that he’s just gay and not ready to come out, he’s going to cheat on me, our relationship will go nowhere etc.- on the daily. Oh, and it’s long distance to boot. But I really love him, and I don’t appreciate my family giving me hell. Any advice? “

In this post I’m going to focus on a question posed by a reader. The question is from a young lady whose boyfriend recently came out as bi, and now she’s getting a bunch of criticism about it from family and friends. I’m so glad she shared her question with me, and I really hope my advice is helpful (even though it is only my opinion). Her question raises a lot of different issues, so I want to break it down and address each one.

  • “No one else I have encountered is in this situation.”

Having a bi boyfriend is indeed an unusual situation, especially if you are in high school. Guys tend to be babies about stuff, and most of them don’t have to balls to come to terms with who they are at such a young age (or ever, to be honest). So, having a bi boyfriend is not really a common issue, and it’s hard to find people who can relate. I’m a little older than you, and still none of my girl friends have been in this position, and honestly none of them had anything helpful to say about it.

  • I’m 17, and my boyfriend is bisexual.”

At 17, you are a few years younger than me and Jay, so hopefully your relationship is a sign of a trend- that our generation is becoming more comfortable with male bisexuality.  I assume your boyfriend is around your age, and if he felt confident enough to come out at 17, that’s really great.

I do have to make one point, and you may not like it :-/ Some young guys are unsure about their sexuality, so you have to leave open the possibility that he may not always identify as bi. I know it’s annoying when people assume bi guys are actually gay (or straight), especially when they don’t even know the person as well as you, but… he is young, just keep it in mind, please don’t hate me.

  • “To say that my parents were displeased would be an understatement.”

Yeah… That really sucks. Fortunately (for me), I’ve never had to be in that situation. At first, I was a little worried what my parents would think about me dating a bi guy, because they used to be fairly conservative. However they have become much more open minded in recent years. My mom found out her favorite nephew was gay, and suddenly she became the poster girl for gay rights, and even started working with some non-profits to support marriage equality and so on.

Anyway, back to your parents… I guess what you should do depends on what your parents are like.  I mean, how displeased are they? Have they told you to stop seeing your Boyfriend? And why are they upset? Is it for moral/religious reasons? Or are they worried he wont be a good long term partner (as in, he wont be able to settle down, or will cheat on you, or will give you an STI)?

If they have your best interests at heart and simply don’t understand bisexuality, you might be able to reason with them. Tell them to read about it from a reputable source, and remind them that your boyfriend isn’t more likely to cheat on you or have an STI just because of his sexuality. But if they are opposed for some moral or religious reason, that could be trickier… In that case I would just hold out until you turn 18, and in the mean time, try not to draw too much attention to your relationship or piss off your parents.

As for what they are saying, you can probably diffuse these comments with the some quick responses, because honestly these kinds of comments don’t have much merit.

“He’s just gay and not ready to come out”
Response: Well let’s just wait and see.

“He’s going to cheat”
Response: Any guy could cheat on me. Do you know how many people cheat? A lot. And more importantly, this one hasn’t cheated on me so far, so why would I break up with him for that reason?

“The relationship will go nowhere”
Response: Most 17 year olds’ relationships go nowhere.

Overall, it sounds like your family thinks the relationship is going to fail since your boyfriend is (in their minds) gay and going to cheat on you. First of all, they don’t know either of those things, and certainly not better than you and your boyfriend do.

Second, even if the relationship does fail (I’m not saying it will, but many do at your age), that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t date him. You learn a lot about yourself by dating; you learn what qualities you want in a partner, and what you can put up with etc. For example, my friend Christina figured out she can’t handle guys who always turn and look at other women walking down the street. She tried to put up with it from her first boyfriend, but after they broke up, she knew it wasn’t worth the trouble. Her life was a lot easier and her relationships were a lot happier once she vowed not to date guys that constantly ogle hotter women. If she had never learned that, she could have ended up married to a guy who leers at other women, and spent her life feeling miserable an inadequate.

I, on the other hand, learned a different lesson through dating. I figured out that I don’t care at all if a guy drools over hot women like a brain dead idiot. But I can’t put up with guys who don’t like spicy food. I know this seems like a minor issue, but my dating experience showed me that actually… its not. Dating a guy who can’t handle spicy food makes choosing restaurants and ordering food a constant problem.

Going out to eat just becomes stressful and tense because its nothing but a chance to disagree and to dig up old disagreements about the same issue. If, on the other hand, I date a guy who likes spicy food, the relationship is a lot easier because it eliminates an entire category of things that start fights.

Point being, dating is about learning. You learn so much from dating. And you will come away with that knowledge and experience even if your boyfriend does turn out to be gay, a cheater, a wizard (that would be awesome), or whatever. Maybe you can remind your family of that, and it will get them off your back.

My last point is this: Sorry if it seems like all my advice centers around the idea that he may be gay and it still wont matter. I don’t think he’s gay. I don’t think anyone understands your relationship better than you guys. I just happen to know that when someone says your boyfriend is gay, saying “No he’s not!” doesn’t get your very far. You can’t change their mind. They think he’s gay/a cheater/whatever, and that’s just the end of it as far as they are concerned. If you really want to get people off your back, the best option is sometimes to agree with them but show them even if they are right, it still doesn’t matter. Then hopefully, they will realize they are wasting everyone’s time by trying to make a useless point, and shut up about it.



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Why Do People on the Internet Hate on Bi Guys?

Continuing my long-winded rant on how bisexual men face discrimination and misunderstanding, I’d like to address the next problem I have with the way the internet portrays bi guys.

Curious about what having a bi boyfriend would mean, I continued searching the web for information. After “The Study” and the monogamy issue, the next thing I found was unofficial opinions of women (and some gay men) about why they would not date a bisexual guy. Women on message boards said things like “Gross”, “Ew”, and “Nasty.” Some said they needed a ‘real’ man, and any guy who’s given a BJ or taken it up the butt just isn’t man enough anymore. And to these women I say… Fair enough. If something just grosses you out, you can’t help that, and its fine. You’re not obligated to be attracted to anyone, and if the thought that a guy had fooled around with other men means you cant get turned on by him, that’s fair.

PLEASE do not jump on me and tear me apart. It might sound mean to say these women have the right to be grossed out, but I’m sorry they do. Women who are turned off by the thought of man on man action can’t control what turns them on any more than a bi person can control the fact that both genders turn them on. Some people are turned off by BDSM, some people are turned off by lovey-dovey romance, and some people are turned off by the thought of two dudes getting it on (I don’t understand these people, but whatev). 

Beyond the turn-off factor, some women were afraid of the fidelity issues. They thought even if their guy tried to stay faithful, the he would eventually crave dick, and that was just too much of a risk. This is stupid in my opinion. Not to sound insensitive, but if you marry a straight guy, you’re probably still going to get cheated on. Sorry y’all. And I guess if what you’re afraid of is your husband fooling around with another guy as opposed to a woman, than yeah a bisexual dude probably isn’t for you.

I think many bisexual guys can and do stay faithful. I dunno. What do you guys think? Jay hasn’t cheated on me so far… at least I assume he hasn’t. He’s not here with me right now, so for all I know he could have another guys dick down his throat… but I just feel like he doesn’t. I’ve been cheated on by 2 straight guys so far, and not one of them was able to hide it very well. Truthfully, if Jay cheats on me (with a guy or a girl), it won’t be the end of the world, just like it wasn’t the end of the world when those straight guys cheated on me. (It was the end of THEIR world, but that’s another story…) Fear of being cheated on wouldn’t stop me from dating a bi guy any more than a straight guy.

A couple women said it was “hard enough” competing against other women, now they have to “compete against guys too? No Thanks.”

Seriously? Do you realized how few gay guys there are? The number of people you have to “compete” against increases only marginally if you throw gay guys in as well. There are literally like nooo gay guys, and a MILLION girls. Your bi guy is statistically way more likely to cheat with a girl, when you think about it. 

OR, he may not cheat at all! Many people do cheat at some point, regardless of orientation, but there are some people who never cheat, and I certainly think a bi guy could be one of those people.

The best way to deal with fears about fidelity would be if everyone were open and honest about these issues. Girls should be honest with themselves about the fact that they aren’t really protected from being cheated on just because they are with a straight guy. And bi guys, you should be honest about what you want; some of you don’t want to commit to only one gender You should also remember that your desire not to be monogamous isn’t entirely a result of your sexuality. After all, many gay and straight people also desire open relationships. But be truthful about it! Yes, some girls will dump you on the spot. Sorry. But eventually you may be able to find someone who really gets you. Some girls are into man on man action; wouldn’t it be cool to find a girl who will let you mess around with guys if you, I dunno, let her watch or something? Or maybe you could find other bi guys and have some awesome three ways. Imagine being understood and accepted! Imagine not having to sneak around and clear your internet history, and not having to worry about being caught with another guy. If you want to sleep with men and women, be truthful about it! I don’t understand why anyone would try to hide that, and commit themselves to a life of stress, misery, and never being fulfilling with what they really want. Just tell the truth!

This would give bi guys who do want to be monogamous the chance to be truthful about that, and be believed. Some bi guys are totally able to commit to one person, and give up the other gender. They see it like giving up tallness if you marry a short person. And it’s so terrible that so many women assume a bisexual man will want or need to sleep with men too, even though that’s just not true. Ladies, lots of bi men are great boyfriend and husband material and want to commit totally to you and be the faithful man you always dreamed about. Give them a chance! 

Since we’re on this topic, I would love to hear from women and gay guys on whether they would consider dating a bi guy. Please feel free to respond with your answers!


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