Tag Archives: relationships

If Gay Men Marry Your Girlfriends, Will Bi Guys Do It Too?

Jay told me about this video called “Gay Men Will Marry Your Girlfriends.” It’s this video where all these gay guys claim that if gay marriage isn’t allowed, they will respond by marrying straight guys’ girlfriends. If you haven’t seen it, you can check it out above. It’s pretty funny.

The gay guys go through all the reasons why they would make better husbands than straight men. For example, they dress better, they can cook fancy breakfasts, they like to go to art galleries, and so on…

The video got me thinking… since I’m dating a bi guy, I should be entitled to at least some of the perks of dating a gay guy- let’s just pick a number at random; I’d say about 50%, give or take. Seems fair, right? I brought this up to Jay, and pointed out that he doesn’t do any of the stuff that the gay guys in the video brag about. He countered, saying that in fact he does a lot of it. So I’ve taken it upon myself to go down the list and figure out if I would in fact be better off with a gay guy. Let’s  have a look:

1. Being ripped/working out all the time. The gay guys explain that all gay men are in great shape, even though it does not seem statistically possible, because gay men love going to the gym. In fairness, Jay is also ripped and loves going to the gym. The only thing he loves more than going to the gym is… going to the gym when that random tall brunette guy asks him for a spot. #lame. #orhot. #imnotsure.  So fine. One point for Jay.
Jay: 1/ Sydney & Gay Men: 0

"We will got the gym... and after get Pinkberry as a reward"

“We will got the gym… and after get Pinkberry as a reward”

2. Dressing better. Jay doesn’t dress badly, but he’s a far cry from fabulous. Even he admits this. He says that gay men judge him for it. As  they should.
Jay: 1/ Sydney & Gay Men: 1

"While you were busy spilling manwhich on your cargo shorts, we were inspecting our oxfords..."

“While you were busy spilling manwhich on your cargo shorts, we were inspecting our oxfords…”

3. Making quiche for breakfast. With a side of hummus. Made from scratch. Jay has never made me quiche. Pretty sure he doesn’t know how. I’m not really sure if he can cook or not, but I think he can’t. He pointed out that I don’t even like quiche, and I was impressed that he remembered that, but this contest is not about remembering things.
Jay: 1/ Sydney & Gay Men: 2

"Do you even know the difference between hummus and babaganoush?"

“Do you even know the difference between hummus and babaganoush?”

4. Wanting to go out dancing. Alright, so Jay loves dancing. This is actually a super easy date we can both agree on.
Jay: 2/ Sydney & Gay Men: 2

5. Wanting to see Broadway shows. Jay responded to this one saying, “Dude, I’ll go to theatre shows or whatever. I’m totally down for that shit.” Not expressed as articulately as the gay guys, but I guess he technically agreed, so one point for him.
Jay: 3/ Sydney & Gay Men: 2

6. Listening to girls for hours and reassuring them the other girl is the one being a bitch. Jay would probably do this if I wanted to tell him about my friend problems, but I don’t. Most of my friends are guys, and I can see for myself when they are being bitches, no reassurance needed. I think this one’s a draw.
Jay: 3/ Sydney & Gay Men: 2

7. Two guy three-way. We’ve never done this, but I feel like if we did, Jay would just complain the whole time. (That it was too crowded, or the air conditioning wasn’t on, or… whatever).
Jay: 3/ Sydney & Gay Men: 3

"And the kind of threesome she wants? Oh, we're cool with that."

“And the kind of threesome she wants? Oh, we’re cool with that.”

I didn’t plan this, but it actually worked out exactly 50/50 (or 3/3, I suppose). So that settles it. Ladies if you are looking for a step up from straight, but not ready to go full gay, might I suggest a bi guy? If you can find one that makes quiche, you’ve even got me beat.

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Bicker Bicker Bicker…

I try not to say anything bad about Jay on this blog. I realize many people are not familiar with bisexual males, and that for some people, reading this blog might be the only exposure to bisexual males they get. I feel I have a duty to portray Jay as perfect, otherwise readers might think things like… “I guess all bisexual men get too drunk at their girlfriends charity Halloween event.” Or “Oh I guess all bisexual men get too jealous about their girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend.” And that would be unfair to all the sober, confident bisexuals out there, who don’t do any of these things.

I recently realized, however, sweeping Jay’s faults under the rug might not be the best idea. For one thing, it could encourage the idea that he does not actually exist. (Yes, I have been accused of fabricating Jay.) I mean, if a girl was going to invent a fantasy boyfriend, wouldn’t she make him perfect? Tall, handsome, athletic, funny… Yes, Jay is all of these things, but that’s only hard to believe because I never talk about the ways in which he’s a pain in the ass. He is not perfect. And I cannot take credit for creating Jay; that credit goes to his parents, copulating in the early 90’s.

The other reason it might be good to reveal some of Jay’s faults is that it would show they have nothing to do with his sexuality. For any girls out there, worried about getting into a serious relationship with a bi guy, it might help to know that the things that have made my relationship difficult are none of the things that girls seem to be paranoid about when it comes to bi men. What if he looks at men? What if he watches gay porn? What if I’m not enough for him because I don’t have a dick? What if I have to compete with twice as many people now? I can honestly these things haven’t become an issue between Jay and me. Sorry to disappoint, but the things that will get on your nerves could very well be the mundane things that make relationships suck in general.

There was one more reason that I never told stories about Jay’s annoying behaviors, that’s because it’s boring. Using this blog to bitch about my boyfriend would just be stupid and no one would give a crap or want to read it. I feel like its morally wrong to be that self indulgent. When I write anything (not just this blog) I remind myself “Hey Sydney, no one cares about your stupid problems.” But today I’m going to take on the challenge of writing an interesting, relevant entry about a little fight I had with Jay. Here goes:

It all started Sunday night, when Jay texted me to say he hadn’t gotten a job he applied for. I was appropriately supportive and comforting, telling him he was qualified and that job searches are a long process. But he was in one of his moods, and didn’t want to let it go. He started accusing me of leading him on, and wasting his time by telling him that he was qualified for that job. According to him, I should have told him the truth: that he sucked way too much for that job and he should not have bothered applying. I’m going to pause for a second, and say that I know for a fact this is not what I should have told him, because I (stupidly) have told him that before. And it did not go over well. He was complaining about his grad school aspirations, and I said, “Well maybe it’s not for you.” To anyone less emotionally retarded than I am, what happened next is probably obvious: he had a complete fit and said he couldn’t believe I didn’t believe in him.

So you can see why I tried to be optimistic about this job. Furthermore, I wasn’t being dishonest; he was qualified for the job. They just didn’t hire him. Sometimes that’s how it goes.

Anyway, long story short, we had a nice 2 hour bicker over the phone, and at the end of it, I realized I was exhausted. Not just exhausted by the fight, but exhausted by him. And so I told him we needed to take a break from seeing each other.

Don’t panic, we didn’t break up. I just needed space to work on some things without the emotional drama of a relationship. I also wanted to give Jay some time to reflect on why he has been so moody lately. (To all the haters out there, this is the perfect moment to say its because he’s gay. Go ahead. I’ll wait.)

The truth is I don’t know why he has been so moody- but I can say almost with certainty that it’s not because he’s gay. More likely he is depressed about not having a job, or because he feels like he doesn’t have many friends around here anymore. Who knows. I even suspect it’s because he finds my personality frustrating and annoying, but hasn’t let himself admit that yet. He insists this is not the case, but he could be lying, or he may not have realized it yet.

Point being, it wasn’t the fight that exhausted me. I just realized in that moment that his attitude over the past couple weeks has been exhausting me. He honestly acts like he doesn’t enjoy being around me. He doesn’t talk very much- if I ask him a hypothetical question, just to start a conversation, he answers as quickly as he can to get it over with; or he’ll say something like “I don’t know.” (Me: If you could be any super hero, who would you want to be? Jay: I dunno.) If I don’t start talking, we’ll just sit there in silence. Other times, I’ll be talking about something I think is important or interesting, and at the end, he’ll be looking out the window saying, “I didn’t realize you could smoke on that patio.”

In other words, its like he’s trying to tell me, “I don’t find you interesting. I don’t enjoy being around you. I wish I was somewhere else.” And honestly, if that were true, I would be fine with it. Yeah it would suck a little bit, but I’m really good at accepting when something just isn’t meant to be. Problem is, he insists this is not the case, and that he loves being around me.

Well, unfortunately, regardless of whether he actually likes being around me, I don’t enjoy being around someone who just sits there and makes me feel… disliked. So I decided I needed to take some time to be alone with the best person in the world: me.  In the mean time, he can reflect on what’s going on with himself, and hopefully, when we hang out again, he’ll be the kind of person that makes me feel awesome when I’m around him, rather than someone who brings down the mood.

And for the men out there: Why do guys act like this? Is it me? Be honest. I can take it.

And don’t worry, Jay and I will be back together soon; as soon as I start needing more material for this blog 😉

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Advice Attempt for 17 yr. old Girl w/ Bi Boyfriend

“No one else I have encountered is in this situation. I’m 17, and my boyfriend is bisexual, and he only recently publicly came out. To say that my parents were displeased would be an understatement. I basically get told that he’s just gay and not ready to come out, he’s going to cheat on me, our relationship will go nowhere etc.- on the daily. Oh, and it’s long distance to boot. But I really love him, and I don’t appreciate my family giving me hell. Any advice? “


In this post I’m going to focus on a question posed by a reader. The question is from a young lady whose boyfriend recently came out as bi, and now she’s getting a bunch of criticism about it from family and friends. I’m so glad she shared her question with me, and I really hope my advice is helpful (even though it is only my opinion). Her question raises a lot of different issues, so I want to break it down and address each one.

  • “No one else I have encountered is in this situation.”

Having a bi boyfriend is indeed an unusual situation, especially if you are in high school. Guys tend to be babies about stuff, and most of them don’t have to balls to come to terms with who they are at such a young age (or ever, to be honest). So, having a bi boyfriend is not really a common issue, and it’s hard to find people who can relate. I’m a little older than you, and still none of my girl friends have been in this position, and honestly none of them had anything helpful to say about it.

  • I’m 17, and my boyfriend is bisexual.”

At 17, you are a few years younger than me and Jay, so hopefully your relationship is a sign of a trend- that our generation is becoming more comfortable with male bisexuality.  I assume your boyfriend is around your age, and if he felt confident enough to come out at 17, that’s really great.

I do have to make one point, and you may not like it :-/ Some young guys are unsure about their sexuality, so you have to leave open the possibility that he may not always identify as bi. I know it’s annoying when people assume bi guys are actually gay (or straight), especially when they don’t even know the person as well as you, but… he is young, just keep it in mind, please don’t hate me.

  • “To say that my parents were displeased would be an understatement.”

Yeah… That really sucks. Fortunately (for me), I’ve never had to be in that situation. At first, I was a little worried what my parents would think about me dating a bi guy, because they used to be fairly conservative. However they have become much more open minded in recent years. My mom found out her favorite nephew was gay, and suddenly she became the poster girl for gay rights, and even started working with some non-profits to support marriage equality and so on.

Anyway, back to your parents… I guess what you should do depends on what your parents are like.  I mean, how displeased are they? Have they told you to stop seeing your Boyfriend? And why are they upset? Is it for moral/religious reasons? Or are they worried he wont be a good long term partner (as in, he wont be able to settle down, or will cheat on you, or will give you an STI)?

If they have your best interests at heart and simply don’t understand bisexuality, you might be able to reason with them. Tell them to read about it from a reputable source, and remind them that your boyfriend isn’t more likely to cheat on you or have an STI just because of his sexuality. But if they are opposed for some moral or religious reason, that could be trickier… In that case I would just hold out until you turn 18, and in the mean time, try not to draw too much attention to your relationship or piss off your parents.

As for what they are saying, you can probably diffuse these comments with the some quick responses, because honestly these kinds of comments don’t have much merit.

“He’s just gay and not ready to come out”
Response: Well let’s just wait and see.

“He’s going to cheat”
Response: Any guy could cheat on me. Do you know how many people cheat? A lot. And more importantly, this one hasn’t cheated on me so far, so why would I break up with him for that reason?

“The relationship will go nowhere”
Response: Most 17 year olds’ relationships go nowhere.

Overall, it sounds like your family thinks the relationship is going to fail since your boyfriend is (in their minds) gay and going to cheat on you. First of all, they don’t know either of those things, and certainly not better than you and your boyfriend do.

Second, even if the relationship does fail (I’m not saying it will, but many do at your age), that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t date him. You learn a lot about yourself by dating; you learn what qualities you want in a partner, and what you can put up with etc. For example, my friend Christina figured out she can’t handle guys who always turn and look at other women walking down the street. She tried to put up with it from her first boyfriend, but after they broke up, she knew it wasn’t worth the trouble. Her life was a lot easier and her relationships were a lot happier once she vowed not to date guys that constantly ogle hotter women. If she had never learned that, she could have ended up married to a guy who leers at other women, and spent her life feeling miserable an inadequate.

I, on the other hand, learned a different lesson through dating. I figured out that I don’t care at all if a guy drools over hot women like a brain dead idiot. But I can’t put up with guys who don’t like spicy food. I know this seems like a minor issue, but my dating experience showed me that actually… its not. Dating a guy who can’t handle spicy food makes choosing restaurants and ordering food a constant problem.

Going out to eat just becomes stressful and tense because its nothing but a chance to disagree and to dig up old disagreements about the same issue. If, on the other hand, I date a guy who likes spicy food, the relationship is a lot easier because it eliminates an entire category of things that start fights.

Point being, dating is about learning. You learn so much from dating. And you will come away with that knowledge and experience even if your boyfriend does turn out to be gay, a cheater, a wizard (that would be awesome), or whatever. Maybe you can remind your family of that, and it will get them off your back.

My last point is this: Sorry if it seems like all my advice centers around the idea that he may be gay and it still wont matter. I don’t think he’s gay. I don’t think anyone understands your relationship better than you guys. I just happen to know that when someone says your boyfriend is gay, saying “No he’s not!” doesn’t get your very far. You can’t change their mind. They think he’s gay/a cheater/whatever, and that’s just the end of it as far as they are concerned. If you really want to get people off your back, the best option is sometimes to agree with them but show them even if they are right, it still doesn’t matter. Then hopefully, they will realize they are wasting everyone’s time by trying to make a useless point, and shut up about it.

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This One Time, I Found a Real Live Bi Guy & Started Caring About Bisexual Issues…

Hello All,

Today I’m going to give you the more detailed version of what this blog is and why I made it. Allow me to be serious for a moment.

A’hem.

We’re living in a day an age where lots of formerly disenfranchised people are getting the recognition and acceptance they deserve. Sure, ethnic minorities may face discrimination and women make 80 cents for every dollar a man makes; but I’m not particularly afraid of being burned on a stake like in the dark ages (I’m especially thankful for this one, because I just have this feeling like I’m the kind of person that would have totally been accused of being a witch… not sure why.) So yeah, there’s still racism, homophobia, sexism, etc. but face it, we’re living in a golden age.

All sorts of lifestyles are becoming mainstream and accepted, as misinformation and fear is replaced by reality. Back in the day, (some) people imagined the gay community as sexual deviants wandering around seedy parts of San Francisco, and lingering in bus station bathrooms. Nowadays we see them as friends from work and next door neighbors- you know, regular people. TV, Movies, and the internet, have helped as well by depicting all sorts of people and lifestyles as normal and acceptable.  And at the mercy of the almighty media, “mainstream” society had to calm the fuck down and stop letting the few bad apples and weirdoes shape its view of an entire group.

But somehow none of this awesome enlightened thinking seems to apply to bisexual people. (I guess I mean bisexual men; I don’t know anything about bisexual women and have no authority to discuss them.) It’s like there’s some kind of footnote that says “But not for bisexuals; go ahead and keep hating on them. Gays, you can even join in if you want to.” When was the last time a character on TV was bisexual, without it being some big fat, negative scandal? (Maybe like Marissa on the OC?? Even then people were saying she was a lesbian, and then it sort of turned out to be a phase… I dunno.) Young bisexual people don’t really have any good role models…especially males.

There’s such misinformation, lack of visibility, ignorance and phobia when it comes to bisexual men.

I didn’t appreciate that bi-phobia and bi-invisibility were issues until I started dating a bisexual guy (I probably assumed “bi phobia” was the fear of two things at once). Jay didn’t tell me about the ignorance and misunderstanding bisexual guys face; instead, I discovered it on my own while I was looking for other information about bisexuality.

When I started going out with Jay, I didn’t know much about bisexuality at all. I knew there were some people who liked men, some people who liked women, and some people who liked both. I figured he was just a person with the ability to like both, and left it at that.

But then I started thinking more about it. There might be some sort of bisexual culture I should learn about. What if there were like secret bisexual things I was now entitled/obligated to know? (One time I dated this Jewish guy, and I learned that there were all sorts of Jewish secrets…) What were these secret things? Who knows. But they might exist and I might want to know about them.

I also started having legitimate questions.  Was I supposed to tell my friends he was bisexual? I mean on the one hand, its not really any one else’s business. But if I don’t tell people, is that offensive? Does that mean I’m ashamed of him and trying to force him back in the closet? And also, am I allowed to make jokes about his sexuality? I mean he jokes about it, but maybe its one of those things where its only okay for some people (you know like saying the n word). I mean, I’m a complete idiot¾ how was I supposed to know any of this stuff?

I know some of you are thinking, “Well, you can just ask him how he feels about it…” BULL. SHIT. You know that no one asks the person they’re dating about anything. Think about it: Say you’re trying to decide what kind of bra to wear on a date (you know, so when he takes your clothes off, you look nice, but not so nice that he thinks you were planning for it to happen…) Do you call up the guy and say, “Well how do you feel about this…”? No! You call your best friend, or look at pictures of bras online, or read cosmo or something.

I needed a friend! I needed the internet! I needed cosmo! But none of these sources had particularly good advice on dating bisexual men. Let me clarify- there are some internet sources that offer helpful information on bisexuality in men, but many sources offer conflicting information. And none of them answer the important questions like “Does he notice my outfit more than a straight guy would?” and “Is it offensive to wonder that?” and “Can I ask him, or is that rude?”

Obviously, these answers will be different based on the individual, but… I dunno…. I just wanna contribute to the information pool with the things I’ve learned to far. I also want to ask questions! And hopefully bi guys, or bi girls, or straight girls dating bi guys, or anyone who has met a bi person will give me some answers! Anyone’s perspective will help shed more light on the mysterious topic of bisexuality in men.

And most importantly, I wanted to give young bi dudes one perspective on what their life could be like if they come out. There’s no shortage of info on how to keep it a secret, stay on the down low, and get a little dick on the side whenever you have a chance, while otherwise maintaining a ‘normal’ marriage to some poor unknowing woman (just look through the bi hookup sites). But I don’t think this is the way most bisexual guys act. I think there are plenty of normal bi dudes in normal relationships (with women or with gay/bi men) who aren’t sneaking around on the down low. But these guys don’t get a lot of attention because… well, I dunno. I guess because they don’t have to broadcast their information on the internet because they aren’t looking for one night stands…?

I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter. I just wanted to make the point that the regular non-scandalous relationships don’t get a lot of hype, but knowing that they exist could be really important for young bi guys thinking about coming out.

And now presenting:

Me, the beautiful, awesome Sydney;

Sharing my observations on dating a certain bisexual guy.

Sydney S.

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Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About a Girl and Her Bisexual Boyfriend

Hello World,

My name is Sydney, and this is my blog. I’ve decided to keep it simple for this first post. I’ll go into all sorts of detail later, but for now, I just wanted to introduce the basics. Put simply, this blog is my account of what its like dating a bi guy. When I started dating him (his name is Jay), I discovered there wasn’t enough candid info about dating bisexual males, so I wanted to provide some. As one of the few women dating a bisexual male, I felt it was my duty to reveal all the juicy details about my life, his life, and how his sexuality plays a role in our relationship. So get ready for information, jokes, questions, answers, musings, wonderings, sex tips, ignorance, and… like I said, everything you ever wanted to know. Stay tuned.

Sydney S.

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