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Bi Guy Seeks Advice

I got a question from a reader seeking advice, and I wanted to respond to him publicly since I think others might benefit from discussing these issues. (This question was posted publicly, so I don’t believe I’m violating his privacy). Here’s the question:

 I am a bi male… I say bi because…

- I am attracted to men and women

- I have only dated and had sex with men
-I have kissed women but never dated or had sex with one
– I don’t feel confident with women but would prefer to marry a woman and have kids blah blah over marrying a man.
How soon should I tell a woman that I’ve had had sex/dated men? 
Should I tell her at all?

As some of you may have noticed, I like to respond to questions by breaking them down into smaller issues, so that’s what I’m going to do.

Issue 1: I have only dated and had sex with men… I have kissed women but never dated or had sex with one

First of all, this is interesting to me since most of the bi guys I hear from have more experience with women. It’s really cool to hear from someone who has more experience with men. I think this is less common because society tends to push men towards women; it’s unusual to find a bi guy who leans towards men.

Second of all, this issue is important because one might wonder why you have only dated men. My biggest worry is that you have only dated men because you are more attracted to men, and that now you only want to date a woman for convenience/societal acceptance reasons.

I don’t ever think it’s a good idea to settle for something (someone) that is not your ideal. If you prefer men, you should be with a man. You only get one life (I think), and I would not want to waste it on a life long compromise. I would give up convenience and social acceptance to get what I really want.

Your question wasn’t clear on why you have only dated men, so if it’s not because you prefer men,  then read on to my advice about dating a woman. Just make sure you aren’t dating women to settle.

 Issue 2: I don’t feel confident with women but would prefer to marry a woman and have kids blah blah over marrying a man.

If your lack of confidence is just due to… jitters (the kind that all straight guys get when talking to pretty girls), I suggest you dive in and ask out some girls. Be polite and respectful, and I’m sure women will be thrilled, and you’ll build more confidence. As a bi man dating men, you get the benefit of understanding a little more about the other person’s gender. But when you date women, you lose that advantage. You have to swim in unknown waters. Just like the rest of us.

But, keep in mind that if you’re lack of confidence is due to the fact that you really feel more comfortable dating men, maybe you should reevaluate whether dating a woman is the right thing.

As for having kids, it is of course easier to have a baby with a woman. But don’t forget that a lot of same sex couples adopt children or use a surrogate. Just something to keep in mind.

Issue 3: How soon should I tell a woman that I’ve had had sex/dated men?
 Should I tell her at all?

Yes, you should tell her. That is a resounding YES.

Two reasons: First of all, you want to be open and honest with your partner, etc. etc. We all know about doing the right thing, being honest, whatev. BUT the second reason is a more practical one, and to me it’s more compelling: There is always a chance she will find out anyway. If she finds out later you may end up with a ruined relationship much further down the line- not just because you are bi, but because you lied about it. Better to get it all out in the open before you have kids, a mortgage, and less chance of finding a subsequent partner. So tell her, and if she reacts badly, better to know sooner rather than later.

And how soon should you tell her? This is a really tough one. My first thought would be, you have to tell her before you start sleeping with her. Why? I don’t know… Women tend to view sex as a milestone, and she might feel deceived if you get her into be before revealing this information.

Buuuuut on the other hand, bisexuality isn’t THAT big a deal, and if it doesn’t come up until later… I sort of feel like that’s okay too.

I asked Jay for his perspective because I thought his insight might be more helpful. We had the following conversation:

Sort of vague advice...But thanks Jay!

Sort of vague advice…But thanks Jay!

Ultimately he said “I would never consider dating someone seriously that I felt would not be okay with my sexuality. When I would tell someone is all about when I think it’s the right time.”

Main Advice: Start dating/kissing/sleeping with some women to make sure that’s really what you want. Be open to the idea that you might find you enjoyed men more, and if that’s the case, be open to the idea of ending up with a guy.

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Anniversary Gift Idea

EDIBLE ARRANGEMENTS

In a couple weeks, Jay and I will have the one-year anniversary of the day we met. Sorry to disappoint anyone, but I am not the kind of person who sentimentally remembers such dates. I did not write down date in the hopes that, in a year, we would be a happy couple, reminiscing about how we first met. To be honest, I completely forgot about it, and for a long time, was not even sure what month we met in. I assumed it was March or April… or at the very latest, May. To put it succinctly, I did not remember the date of our first encounter, so much as I ‘discovered’ it.

I figured out our anniversary when something unrelated reminded me that it might be coming up. See, last week was the anniversary of a short residential program I participated in, where I got to leave the country and study foreign direct investment in developing nations. The other participants were planning a reunion to discuss… things that aren’t interesting for the purposes of this blog. The point is, that I remembered I met Jay right after returning from that trip, so our one year anniversary must be coming up too. I managed to figure out the exact date by looking at my credit card statement from a year ago, and finding transactions from the places I had gone the day I met Jay.

I don’t view anniversaries as a huge deal, but I do view them as an opportunity to buy gifts, and I freaking LOVE buying gifts. And the moment I realized Jay and I had an anniversary coming up, I knew one thing I was going to get him for sure: an Edible Arrangements*, delivered to work.

I know what you are thinking: ‘Yeah, I’ve hear of Edible Arrangements, but it’s nothing to get so excited about.’ Wrong. Getting an Edible Arrangements delivered to you at work is the best gift ever because it’s the perfect combination of:

1) stuff you can eat and

2) making other people jealous.

Think about it. The main draw to an Edible Arrangements is that it makes a minor scene when it’s delivered to you. You get to act all surprised and humble, like “Oh? For me? I wonder who this could be from…” Then for the rest of your day you are just a little more important than everyone else.

There are a few problems with this gift idea, though. Initially, I thought I was totally set. But then I recalled the last time I ordered an Edible Arrangements. I remember it being kind of expensive… But there was something else that made me mad when I ordered it, and I couldn’t remember what that was. Then it hit me; Edible Arrangements was expensive AND a lot smaller than it looked on the website. The pictures they show are all of the medium sizes, so they look respectable. But if you order a small (the only size even close to reasonably priced), it is substantially smaller than you would expect. It’s almost a hundred bucks (even the little ones are that much if you count delivery fee, tax, and the fact that any arrangement without chocolate dipped fruit is not even worth considering), and for that amount, I want an intimidating amount of fruit- an almost unmanageable amount of fruit. I want an amount of fruit that will cause a problem for Jay at work. Like his boss will come over and be like, “What’s going on? What is all this fruit doing here? Get this fruit out of here!”

The more I looked at the Edible Arrangements, I started thinking of my mom’s catch phrase: I bet I could make that. However in her case, it’s usually true. In my case… I’m not so sure. I’m more of a buyer than a maker. But this Edible Arrangements thing looks do-able. It’s just fruit on sticks. I think.

If I make it myself, I can put more awesome stuff in it, like extra chocolate strawberries and rice krispie treats cut in the shape of stars. That stuff all costs extra if you order it from EdibleArrangements.com.

If this idea works out, I’ll post an awesome picture of it. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll post a hilarious picture of it, and request ideas for other anniversary gifts.

*I maintain that the singular of Edible Arrangements is Edible Arrangements. Edible Arrangements is a company name, so “an Edible Arrangements” is any product from Edible Arrangements, which may include any particular arrangement, or any other product they sell. 

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Sydney Responds to Top Search Questions

What weird searches lead to my blog?

What weird searches lead to my blog?

I obtained a list of search terms that have connected users to my blog, and it got me thinking: When people find my blog, what were they searching for? A lot of the searches were questions, and unfortunately, my blog did not necessarily answer them directly. The blog was usually just about a related topic. A few of the questions were odd, made no sense, and had some interesting grammar. But I decided to give the people what they want and respond directly to the searches that people are looking for. That way, when my blog shows up, they will say, “HEY! That is exactly what I was looking for, even though my question was super weird and obscure!” So lets respond to some of the top searches:

  • “how can a woman tell if your boyfriend is bisexual”

You have to order a special Bisexual Test Kit from a pharmaceutical company. Follow the directions to mix the solution, and splash it on his skin. If it turns blue, you have a bi on your hands.

  • “do any women like bisexual men ????”

Yeah dude. Right here.

  • “had sex with a gay guy i’m straight”

No you’re not 😉

  • “straight sportsmen hard confused gay sex porn”

I don’t even know what this is but… #hot??

  • “if a girl is gay and she do it to a boy is that cheating”

I’m not the authority on lesbian cheating, but this is my blog so I make the rules. Sydney declares: Yes. Yes it is.

  • “how to get a bi guy to come over”

I’ve tried a few things that usually work: Craft Beers, Box seats at the game, Perfect cut of steak

  • “deduced forced bi”

Is this some kind of porn thing?

  • “how to handle hearing your boyfriend has bisexual”

How did he catch it? IT’S SPREADING!

  • “if your boyfriend is bi and your a girl and straight what do you do?”

Go out to dinner at Joel Robuchon. Best date ever.

  • “i’m a dude and i fucked my best man friend”

#hot

  • “i tried the gay thing its not for me”

#thatsfine

  • “how to seducing your best friend who is a boy and not even gay while you are”

Ooh… that’s ambitious. If you figure it out, I’d love to hear.

  • “woman or girl or wife or girlfriend “freakishly strong” or “scary strong””

Hahahaha. Awesome. I don’t know how this search got connected to my blog, but this is an awesome search.

  • “what color speedos do bisexual men prefer”

Black, in my experience. Jay has one speedo and its black.

  • “why is sydney so angry”

Hahahaha! The internet knows I’m angry.

  • “i’m a bisexual boy how do i ask a boy out?”

Aww! Cute. Be yourself. Be confident. Everyone will love you.

I’m thinking I might write a serious article later and  answer the questions that people are actually wondering about. (For example, an article about “how to handle hearing your boyfriend is bi” but not “straight sportsmen hard confused gay sex porn”). Stay tuned and check back!

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If Gay Men Marry Your Girlfriends, Will Bi Guys Do It Too?

Jay told me about this video called “Gay Men Will Marry Your Girlfriends.” It’s this video where all these gay guys claim that if gay marriage isn’t allowed, they will respond by marrying straight guys’ girlfriends. If you haven’t seen it, you can check it out above. It’s pretty funny.

The gay guys go through all the reasons why they would make better husbands than straight men. For example, they dress better, they can cook fancy breakfasts, they like to go to art galleries, and so on…

The video got me thinking… since I’m dating a bi guy, I should be entitled to at least some of the perks of dating a gay guy- let’s just pick a number at random; I’d say about 50%, give or take. Seems fair, right? I brought this up to Jay, and pointed out that he doesn’t do any of the stuff that the gay guys in the video brag about. He countered, saying that in fact he does a lot of it. So I’ve taken it upon myself to go down the list and figure out if I would in fact be better off with a gay guy. Let’s  have a look:

1. Being ripped/working out all the time. The gay guys explain that all gay men are in great shape, even though it does not seem statistically possible, because gay men love going to the gym. In fairness, Jay is also ripped and loves going to the gym. The only thing he loves more than going to the gym is… going to the gym when that random tall brunette guy asks him for a spot. #lame. #orhot. #imnotsure.  So fine. One point for Jay.
Jay: 1/ Sydney & Gay Men: 0

"We will got the gym... and after get Pinkberry as a reward"

“We will got the gym… and after get Pinkberry as a reward”

2. Dressing better. Jay doesn’t dress badly, but he’s a far cry from fabulous. Even he admits this. He says that gay men judge him for it. As  they should.
Jay: 1/ Sydney & Gay Men: 1

"While you were busy spilling manwhich on your cargo shorts, we were inspecting our oxfords..."

“While you were busy spilling manwhich on your cargo shorts, we were inspecting our oxfords…”

3. Making quiche for breakfast. With a side of hummus. Made from scratch. Jay has never made me quiche. Pretty sure he doesn’t know how. I’m not really sure if he can cook or not, but I think he can’t. He pointed out that I don’t even like quiche, and I was impressed that he remembered that, but this contest is not about remembering things.
Jay: 1/ Sydney & Gay Men: 2

"Do you even know the difference between hummus and babaganoush?"

“Do you even know the difference between hummus and babaganoush?”

4. Wanting to go out dancing. Alright, so Jay loves dancing. This is actually a super easy date we can both agree on.
Jay: 2/ Sydney & Gay Men: 2

5. Wanting to see Broadway shows. Jay responded to this one saying, “Dude, I’ll go to theatre shows or whatever. I’m totally down for that shit.” Not expressed as articulately as the gay guys, but I guess he technically agreed, so one point for him.
Jay: 3/ Sydney & Gay Men: 2

6. Listening to girls for hours and reassuring them the other girl is the one being a bitch. Jay would probably do this if I wanted to tell him about my friend problems, but I don’t. Most of my friends are guys, and I can see for myself when they are being bitches, no reassurance needed. I think this one’s a draw.
Jay: 3/ Sydney & Gay Men: 2

7. Two guy three-way. We’ve never done this, but I feel like if we did, Jay would just complain the whole time. (That it was too crowded, or the air conditioning wasn’t on, or… whatever).
Jay: 3/ Sydney & Gay Men: 3

"And the kind of threesome she wants? Oh, we're cool with that."

“And the kind of threesome she wants? Oh, we’re cool with that.”

I didn’t plan this, but it actually worked out exactly 50/50 (or 3/3, I suppose). So that settles it. Ladies if you are looking for a step up from straight, but not ready to go full gay, might I suggest a bi guy? If you can find one that makes quiche, you’ve even got me beat.

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Survey Preview: Bi Guys Do Have More Fun

Survey Preview

I have gotten a lot of support for the survey, and I have already learned a lot about bi guys from looking at the wide range of responses I got. I do not want to release the results yet, since I am still trying to get more representation for certain groups, but I did want to share one result that has made me really happy.

While I was thinking of questions for the survey, I asked Jay whether he would still pick to be bi if he could choose between bi, gay, or straight. Apparently, that was an easy question for him- he said he would definitely still want to be bi. I thought that would be his answer, but I also thought he would have to think about it a lot. After all, he has complained about the many trials and tribulations of being a bi male: women don’t want to date you because they think you’ll cheat with a man; men don’t want to date you because they think you’re gay and not ‘out’ yet; one of the doors on your car doesn’t unlock automatically any more (What? Bi men have to deal with this too. I mean, it’s not caused by their sexuality, but it’s still an issue…) Point being, I was pleasantly surprised that Jay was so certain he would still pick to be bi if he had the choice.

I asked him why, and he said, “Come on, it’s way more fun to be bi.” Can’t argue with that.

So, you can imagine that I was equally please when I looked at the survey results, and saw that so far the overwhelming majority of guys who participated  would still pick to be bi. How awesome is that? #worthit

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Russia’s LGBT Discrimination (and Archer)

Image

Let me begin by saying everything I know about Russia is based on watching the show Archer. More specifically, its based on the scene pictured above, where Agent Sterling Archer is running from Russian police, and he rounds the corner and bumps into an old Russian lady carrying two bags of unsanitary looking food. He exclaims to her, “What? You hear machine guns and decide now is a good time to take out the- Oh. Oh, that’s groceries. I’m sorry, I thought it was garbage.” There’s also this part where he sees these kids playing with empty bottles on a roof. Not to mention the entire place is portrayed as dismal and covered with snow.

So yeah, my impression of Russia has always been that it sort of, you know, sucks.

With that in mind, perhaps you can see why I’m not as bothered as I could be about Russia’s anti-gay culture. Yes, it is horribly offensive. No, there is no excuse for discrimination. But… well, if a country is going to make people unwelcome because of their sexual orientation, isn’t it better that it’s a place that already blew anyway? Admit it, it would be WORSE if somewhere like Paris or Barcelona was suddenly afflicted with anti-gay sentiment. I mean, yeah Russia is trying to drive off gay people, but drive them off of what?? Beautiful Beaches? The cutting edge of culinary sophistication? A buzzing metropolis of culture, fashion, and the arts? No! Russia has none of those things! Perhaps, it’s just me, but I always try to see the glass half full.

So my suggestion is, make like Sterling Archer, get the hell out of Russia, and book a ticket to somewhere with palm trees, cigars, and hammocks.  

Image

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Bisexual Guys Survey is READY!!!

Screen Shot of Survey

One of the things I’ve wanted to do, ever since I started dating Jay and had trouble finding information about bi guys, is conduct a survey of bisexual men. This would be soooo helpful. It would show that everyone is different, and it would answer a lot of the questions straight women (and gay guys… and straight guys, and lesbians, and bi women, and everyone else) have about bisexual males.

I have FINALLY gotten the survey up, with help from a few other ladies, and with help from Jay (who really wasn’t that helpful. He contributed like ONE question). I would LOVE it if all my bi male readers would take the survey.

Click here to take it!

It’s anonymous, so please answer honestly if you can. When I get enough responses, I am going to share some of the findings, in the form of colorful charts and graphs.

Some of the questions are a personal, some are totally naughty;  if you don’t want to answer something, leave it blank. You can also write ‘fuck you sydney’ in the comment box if I’ve made you uncomfortable and you want to express your anger.

I really think this will be helpful, and lift away some of the mystery that surrounds bisexual guys.

Please take the survey, and PLEASE send it to any other bisexual guys that you know. Also, please offer suggestions on how I can find other bi guys to participate.

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