Monthly Archives: October 2013

My Boyfriend Has Touched a Wiener, So I Can’t Donate Blood, What?

I was in a leadership position in my sorority, and as such I was called upon to be involved in just about every social, academic, and philanthropic activity. So when the sororities and fraternities decided to have a campus wide blood drive, I was in charge of making sure the other girls in my chapter actually showed up. Problem is, they were being little pansies about it. No one wanted to give their blood, and certainly not if it involved watching it run out of their arm through a tube. By day three of the drive, when I was planning to go over and donate my blood, I discovered none of our members had shown up yet.

“Come on ladies!” I shouted.

I told them to nut up. I told them all the guys had done it and that was making us look weak in comparison (This threat didn’t resonate. It seems I’m the only girl who worries about being emasculated.)

I rallied a group together and told them to come down to the donation van, and I would go first.

When we got there, I could sense some of our members were going to chicken out. It didn’t help that we ran into some guy friends from one of the fraternities, and even one of them seemed like he might back out when he saw the needle.

“I don’t know man…” he said as he was about to be called.

“Don’t worry Ryan,” I said loudly. “Clearly you’re having your period, so maybe you can just donate some of that blood.”

His bros all laughed, and Ryan, shamed, reluctantly complied when his name was called. Sure my comment was harsh/sexist/gross, but it was also effective. I couldn’t have a guy chicken out, and cause a mass exodus of every member I had convinced to come with me.

While we waited to be called, we had to fill out these questionnaires about our health history and whatnot. Were we feeling well that day? Were we on medications? Had we recently travelled to any of the countries on the attached list?

The questions were aimed at trying to figure out if our blood was clean.

I paused briefly at questions about lifestyle. Apparently gay men (or ‘men who have sexual contact with men’) were not allowed to donate blood. I continued down the list. Evidently, women who have sex with men who have sex with men are not allowed to donate blood either. At the time I didn’t pay this question much mind, since it didn’t apply to me. I do remember thinking it was odd, and wondering, “how many people does that really apply to?” I wasn’t really aware of male bisexuality, so I assumed this question was referring to some sort of drug induced orgy situation.

When it was my turn, I was totally brave. They stabbed the needle into my arm, and I said “success!” when the blood started flowing. When it was done, I stood up (only slightly dizzy) and got a free cookie and juice box.

After that experience, I decided giving blood was the perfect activity for me- a chance to look bad ass, help others, and get a cookie and juice box? What could be better? I donated blood routinely after that.

Since dating Jay, I’ve been busy, and haven’t gotten the chance to donate blood. Then, the other day I remembered the question from the donor form about having sexual contact with men who have sex with men.

I can’t donate blood any more. Ever. At least under the current rules. I’ve been tainted. Blacklisted. My blood no longer qualifies as that of the clean, heterosexual, non-intravenous drug using population. Is this fair? Yeah I guess. They have the right to refuse the blood of anyone they want. It’s not like I can force someone to take my blood just so I can feel better about myself.

I jokingly pointed out to Jay that because of him, I can no longer donate blood.

“What are you talking about?” He asked.

“You can’t donate blood if you have sexual contact with a bi dude.”

“That’s not true.”

“Yes it is,” I said.

“Where did you hear that?”

I paused. I wanted to tell him that I didn’t ‘hear’ it anywhere; I just knew it because I was a routine blood donor, and I knew what the requirements were. But for some reason (and I’m still not sure why) I felt like I was hurting his feelings, so I wanted to make it like none of this was my fault. I wanted to put the blame on someone else.

“Nora told me. She said that it says that on the forms.”

Jay insisted that Nora was wrong about this. That sort of ticked me off, because I knew he had no basis for this assertion, other than his own assumption that it was probably untrue.

Today I remembered this dispute, and looked up various blood donor questionnaires online.

The screen cap I sent Jay. See item #21

The screen cap I sent Jay. See item #21

And it’s true. They all have the question about females who have sex with men who have sex with men. I texted a screen cap to Jay, and he seemed surprised. He said it seemed ‘antiquated’. I was worried he was going to be annoyed and spiral into a little sulk; he gets huffy if he thinks I’m implying he’s less healthy because of his sexual orientation. (I told him he had to get tested before we started hooking up. He said something like “Yeah I’m gay, so obviously I have AIDS.” I said something like “Stow the ‘tude. Get tested.” [He did. Obviously he was 100% clean]) He also gets huffy if he thinks that I need to prove I’m right about something. Texting him screen caps of things I’m right about tends to rub him the wrong way. But this time he took it pretty well. He didn’t seem mad at all, just surprised.

I told him that I would have to find some other way to get a free cookie and juice box now that I can’t donate blood anymore, and he said that he would buy me cookies and juice boxes. #adorable.

So to all the girls out there who have bi boyfriends, welcome to the club. The club of people feeling sorry for us, thinking we we’re dating gay dudes; the club of rotten blood that no one wants. I raise a toast. To us, and our bad blood. Here Here!

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Halloween Costumes!!

I believe I’ve mentioned that Halloween is my most favoritest holiday. This year I am going to my friend Max’s block party, and I am going to bring Jay as my date. Going to the party together will be a coming out, of sorts- no not in a gay (or bi) way. In fact it is me who will be ‘coming out’; I will be ‘coming out’ as a girl in a committed relationship. I’ve never brought a serious boyfriend to a party like this before, and many of my friends have been waiting to see if it is true that the commitment-phobic Sydney really has a serious boyfriend. And I do. And I will be presenting him to all of my more distant acquaintances on Halloween.

Naturally, our costumes for this even will be of utmost importance, and Jay and I have been discussing them for a while.  He offered to dress up in something matchy, but I flat out refused. Couples who wear ‘couples costumes’ make me want to barf. I told him to dress up in whatever he wanted as long as it looked hot. Thus, Jay decided he wanted to be “What Does the Fox Say”

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Unfortunately, he did not have that pajama jumpsuit thing, so instead he figured he could just get the ears and tail, and the basic idea would still come across. I encouraged him to go shirtless because, while it has nothing to do with foxes, being shirtless is always appropriate when one has a bangin’ bod. So it was decided; Jay would be a shirtless fox.

Jay planned to get the fox accessories online. Lots of places sell ear and tail combos. Most of these are targeted at girls- I guess the idea is that you can wear ears and a tail with any slutty outfit, and you’re some kind of animal for Halloween. Replace the trampy corset and booty shorts with a pair of jeans, and these costumes work just as well for men. Unfortunately, the site was sold out of the “Feelin’ Foxy” accessory set- understandable, considering Jay tried to order them a few days ago (a week before Halloween). Instead, he had to go to a Halloween store to see if they had anything suitable. Tragically, they were sold out of “Feelin’ Foxy” as well, but they did have “Pretty Kitty”, a cat ear and tail combo. Jay got the idea that he could pass the cat ears off as fox ears. He also got a little dog nose mask.

When he showed me the cat ears, we had a brief discussion about whether some foxes are black. I maintain that no foxes are black, but that’s beside the point; the fox in “What Does the Fox Say” is not black. Ultimately, we did a little brainstorming and decided that Jay is not the fox from “What Does the Fox Say”; instead he is some kind of mutant furry mammal of indeterminate species… but he’s shirtless, so frankly I think he will totally pull it off.

Oh, and this is much less interesting, but I feel I should reveal what my costume will be. I will be some sort of black swan ballerina thing… maybe it’s a peacock. I’m not really sure. It’s a tutu with a peacock feather headband. I just saw it and thought it was pretty.

……………………………..

I feel like I should make an effort to talk about issues relating to male bisexuality in every post; after all, that’s sort of my hook.  If I had called this blog, “So I’m Going to This Halloween Party…” none of you would be reading it. But unfortuantely, Jay doesn’t always do ‘bisexual’ stuff (whatever that is…) Sadly, the only way I could cram bisexuality into this topic was with an offensive joke that I decided not to make. When Jay showed me the cat ears and the dog mask,  I was tempted to say, “So your halloween costume’s not really sure what it is… just like your sexuality.” BUT I did not say it. He would probably have laughed, but I’m never sure if it’s okay to make these kinds of jokes. To all the awesome bi guys out there, what do you think? Offensive or not?

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My Mommy

Despite a fairly conservative past, my mom has recently become somewhat of an activist in the LGBT community. Her sister’s son came out as gay, and my mom and her sister sort of teamed up in efforts to put an end to bullying he was facing at school. She also befriended the gay couple that moved in across the street from us, and got involved with some fundraising for marriage equality.

She was one of the first people that I told Jay was bi.  To my surprise, she said, “You know its really hard for bisexual people, because they can face opposition from mainstream society, and also from the gay community.” My mind was blown. I mean, I expected my mom to be supportive, but I didn’t expect her to know about the issues of the bi community. I didn’t even know that until Jay told me; Originally, I just assumed that bi people were pretty much like gay people, at least when it came to societal acceptance. #straightignorance. I had no idea being bi opens a whole other barrel of monkeys.

My mom also supports this center that provides housing for teens that have been kicked out of their homes after coming out as LGBT. One thing she does regularly is donate clothes, because apparently clothing is one of the biggest needs. I have two brothers who are stylish enough to buy nice clothing, and spoiled enough to get rid of it after a few uses because it doesn’t appeal to them anymore, or they realized they never really liked it in the first place. According to her, the residents had a ‘heyday’ when she dropped off a box of Drew’s barely worn designer jeans. I came home one weekend to help her pack up another round of boxes to donate.

“Look at this,” she muttered, sorting through the pile of clothes on Drew’s bed. “He is so spoiled. I’m done. I’m not getting him anything else.”

“What about these?” I asked. There was another piled of clothes stacked in the corner of the room.

“No, those are his clothes. He’s keeping those. But that is the reason he says he needs more clothes. It’s because he never washes them. He just piles them up in here or hides them in the laundry room and says he doesn’t have any clothes.”

I folded a polo shirt and stacked it in the donation box. I lifted the next one.

“This one still has a tag on it.” I said, holding it up.

“Oh, lots of them still have tags on. He says they don’t fit him. Psh,” she huffed. “That’s just not true. I bought him those two months ago. But it doesn’t matter. He doesn’t have to wear them, but either way, he’s not getting anymore.”

I spotted some garment bags stacked on Drew’s desk chair. I went over to investigate. The top one was from Neimans. I opened it up and found a sport coat.

“Mom, you’re giving this away??” T-shirts and Jeans were one thing, but this was something she had actually splurged on, since Drew needed it for school. She thought of it as an investment since he would be able to wear it again and again, and would always need a sport coat for dressy occasions.

She turned to look at me. “Oh… yeah. That one’s not his fault. He really did outgrow it. We got it two years ago, and the sleeves are way too short on him now. I hate to give it away, but it’s not his fault he grew… Hey, what size is Jay?”

Jay is by no means an impoverished LGBT teen; his mommy and daddy love him. He is, however, a guy who might like a new wool sport coat.

Truth be told, I didn’t know what size Jay was (worst girlfriend ever, I know). I held it up and examined it.

“I think it’ll be too small on Jay. He has really broad shoulders.” I said.

“No, I think it’ll fit. Drew has really broad shoulders too. He just looks skinny because he’s so tall. I bet it’ll fit Jay. Drew just has those really long arms. ”

I texted Jay, ‘What size jacket are you’. I don’t remember what he said, but it was a size different than the size of the jacket.

“Sorry,” I said. “Looks like it’s a no go.”

My mom sighed. “Well, some lucky guy at the shelter is gonna hit the jackpot today.” She put the sport coat back in the garment bag and laid it flat on the bed. “Do you have anything you want to get rid of? They have girls there too.

I thought it over. I did have some things I was meaning to get rid of, but  it didn’t seem like the right kind of stuff. Party dresses that I considered too short now that I had graduated from college; Prada espadrilles that despite being on sale, were so horrendously uncomfortable, I’d sooner put them in a trash compactor than wear them…

It’s not that I think lesbians (or bi girls) don’t like to dress up; I’m sure many do. But homeless teens living in a shelter were probably looking for more practical clothing.

I told her I had some workout pants that I didn’t wear anymore, and I would go grab them when we were done.

“What about shoes? They really need shoes,” she asked.

I wear my flats until they literally fall apart off my feet. The only shoes that I might part with before their natural lives are exhausted would be heels that I’d grown to hate.

“All I have are a bunch of stupid heels.” I said.

“No, no, bring them,” she said excitedly. “They have a couple of… what’s the right word? Boys who like to dress like girls? And your feet are really big. It’s so hard to find women’s shoes that are big enough, but this will be perfect.”

My first thought was, ‘Yeah, thanks a lot mom.’ But on the other hand, she’s right; my feet are freakishly big. My brother (the one with the long arms) is 6’3” and his feet are only slightly bigger than mine. That should really say something.

…………………

As I mentioned, my mom was the first person I told that I was dating a bisexual guy. I don’t know why I told her, exactly. I guess it would have seemed odd if I never mentioned it and she found out later some how. She would probably wonder why I didn’t bring it up, given her interest in LGBT rights.

I didn’t tell my dad about Jay’s sexuality. He would not have had a problem with it, necessarily, he probably would just have wondered, “Why the heck are you telling me this?” He would have considered it information he didn’t need to know.

But my mom totally understood.

Jay actually seemed worried about the fact that I told her. In contrast, I was worried that if I didn’t tell anyone in my family, Jay might think I was ashamed of his sexuality, and trying to hide it (so this is what I get for trying to do the right thing)… Anyway, I asked Jay why he was worried, and if I was supposed to keep things like this a secret.

“No, it’s not a secret…” He told me. “But I think it can be a red flag, especially for people in our parents generation. And you told me that your mom judges people.”

“Yeah!” I said. “But not about stuff like this! She only judges people who wear clothes that are too tight, or smoke cigarettes, or don’t know proper table etiquette…”

Jay didn’t seemed convinced. “Well, you know her better than I do,” he said. I wasn’t too worried about it; eventually he will see that he has nothing to worry about.

This conversation got me thinking; I realized that a lot of people in our parents’ generation aren’t cool with bisexuality. So it’s pretty awesome that my mom is so understanding. I’m not sure how she ended up like this but… Yay mom!

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Full Version of Conversation w/ Reader

Some of you may remember when an angry reader invited me to call him on the phone, so he could condemn my relationship with a bi guy. I posted a video summarizing our conversation. Unfortunately, he accused me of altering and misrepresenting our conversation, to make myself seem more favorable, and insisted I post the ‘real’ version, showing what really happened

I apologize if my summary was inaccurate. I shortened the conversation, and only showed key points, but I don’t think I was misleading. Out of fairness to this person, this is the original version; you can decide for yourselves if I was fair or not.

I want to once again express my love and support for the gay community. I know that it is very difficult for men to come out as gay, and I wish that no gay man would ever feel pressured to act straight or hide his true identity. I also understand that a gay man who has managed to embrace his own sexual orientation might resent a guy who is not strong enough to do that and ‘pretends’ to be attracted to women. But I have to insist that there are bisexual men who are genuinely attracted to women as well as men, and it is very hard for them to hear that just because you were never really bi, that they must be the same as you. That’s as hurtful as when straight men claim that being gay is a choice- just because they are attracted to women, that means that you are just ‘choosing’ to be gay? Of course not.

Every needs to understand that just because someone’s sexuality is different from their own, it doesn’t mean that any sexuality is less legitimate.

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Advice Attempt for 17 yr. old Girl w/ Bi Boyfriend

“No one else I have encountered is in this situation. I’m 17, and my boyfriend is bisexual, and he only recently publicly came out. To say that my parents were displeased would be an understatement. I basically get told that he’s just gay and not ready to come out, he’s going to cheat on me, our relationship will go nowhere etc.- on the daily. Oh, and it’s long distance to boot. But I really love him, and I don’t appreciate my family giving me hell. Any advice? “


In this post I’m going to focus on a question posed by a reader. The question is from a young lady whose boyfriend recently came out as bi, and now she’s getting a bunch of criticism about it from family and friends. I’m so glad she shared her question with me, and I really hope my advice is helpful (even though it is only my opinion). Her question raises a lot of different issues, so I want to break it down and address each one.

  • “No one else I have encountered is in this situation.”

Having a bi boyfriend is indeed an unusual situation, especially if you are in high school. Guys tend to be babies about stuff, and most of them don’t have to balls to come to terms with who they are at such a young age (or ever, to be honest). So, having a bi boyfriend is not really a common issue, and it’s hard to find people who can relate. I’m a little older than you, and still none of my girl friends have been in this position, and honestly none of them had anything helpful to say about it.

  • I’m 17, and my boyfriend is bisexual.”

At 17, you are a few years younger than me and Jay, so hopefully your relationship is a sign of a trend- that our generation is becoming more comfortable with male bisexuality.  I assume your boyfriend is around your age, and if he felt confident enough to come out at 17, that’s really great.

I do have to make one point, and you may not like it :-/ Some young guys are unsure about their sexuality, so you have to leave open the possibility that he may not always identify as bi. I know it’s annoying when people assume bi guys are actually gay (or straight), especially when they don’t even know the person as well as you, but… he is young, just keep it in mind, please don’t hate me.

  • “To say that my parents were displeased would be an understatement.”

Yeah… That really sucks. Fortunately (for me), I’ve never had to be in that situation. At first, I was a little worried what my parents would think about me dating a bi guy, because they used to be fairly conservative. However they have become much more open minded in recent years. My mom found out her favorite nephew was gay, and suddenly she became the poster girl for gay rights, and even started working with some non-profits to support marriage equality and so on.

Anyway, back to your parents… I guess what you should do depends on what your parents are like.  I mean, how displeased are they? Have they told you to stop seeing your Boyfriend? And why are they upset? Is it for moral/religious reasons? Or are they worried he wont be a good long term partner (as in, he wont be able to settle down, or will cheat on you, or will give you an STI)?

If they have your best interests at heart and simply don’t understand bisexuality, you might be able to reason with them. Tell them to read about it from a reputable source, and remind them that your boyfriend isn’t more likely to cheat on you or have an STI just because of his sexuality. But if they are opposed for some moral or religious reason, that could be trickier… In that case I would just hold out until you turn 18, and in the mean time, try not to draw too much attention to your relationship or piss off your parents.

As for what they are saying, you can probably diffuse these comments with the some quick responses, because honestly these kinds of comments don’t have much merit.

“He’s just gay and not ready to come out”
Response: Well let’s just wait and see.

“He’s going to cheat”
Response: Any guy could cheat on me. Do you know how many people cheat? A lot. And more importantly, this one hasn’t cheated on me so far, so why would I break up with him for that reason?

“The relationship will go nowhere”
Response: Most 17 year olds’ relationships go nowhere.

Overall, it sounds like your family thinks the relationship is going to fail since your boyfriend is (in their minds) gay and going to cheat on you. First of all, they don’t know either of those things, and certainly not better than you and your boyfriend do.

Second, even if the relationship does fail (I’m not saying it will, but many do at your age), that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t date him. You learn a lot about yourself by dating; you learn what qualities you want in a partner, and what you can put up with etc. For example, my friend Christina figured out she can’t handle guys who always turn and look at other women walking down the street. She tried to put up with it from her first boyfriend, but after they broke up, she knew it wasn’t worth the trouble. Her life was a lot easier and her relationships were a lot happier once she vowed not to date guys that constantly ogle hotter women. If she had never learned that, she could have ended up married to a guy who leers at other women, and spent her life feeling miserable an inadequate.

I, on the other hand, learned a different lesson through dating. I figured out that I don’t care at all if a guy drools over hot women like a brain dead idiot. But I can’t put up with guys who don’t like spicy food. I know this seems like a minor issue, but my dating experience showed me that actually… its not. Dating a guy who can’t handle spicy food makes choosing restaurants and ordering food a constant problem.

Going out to eat just becomes stressful and tense because its nothing but a chance to disagree and to dig up old disagreements about the same issue. If, on the other hand, I date a guy who likes spicy food, the relationship is a lot easier because it eliminates an entire category of things that start fights.

Point being, dating is about learning. You learn so much from dating. And you will come away with that knowledge and experience even if your boyfriend does turn out to be gay, a cheater, a wizard (that would be awesome), or whatever. Maybe you can remind your family of that, and it will get them off your back.

My last point is this: Sorry if it seems like all my advice centers around the idea that he may be gay and it still wont matter. I don’t think he’s gay. I don’t think anyone understands your relationship better than you guys. I just happen to know that when someone says your boyfriend is gay, saying “No he’s not!” doesn’t get your very far. You can’t change their mind. They think he’s gay/a cheater/whatever, and that’s just the end of it as far as they are concerned. If you really want to get people off your back, the best option is sometimes to agree with them but show them even if they are right, it still doesn’t matter. Then hopefully, they will realize they are wasting everyone’s time by trying to make a useless point, and shut up about it.

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Funny Quote from Jay

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So this is a text Jay sent me complaining about the lack of awareness of bisexual awareness day. On the one hand I was highly sympathetic, but on the other hand, I reminded him that he did not know about bisexual awareness day until I told him about it…

And I’m sorry, but what the heck is mean girls day? I love that movie, but I don’t see why its now a “day”.

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Halloween Begins

Freshman year of college, I made friends with this gay guy who lived on my floor. He liked to brush my hair, put make up on me and take me to parties to showcase his amazing work. He would say, “See, doesn’t she look nice when she tries?” And all his friends would nod in agreement and pet my hair. It wasn’t long before I knew all the gay guys in our year- right down to who was a top and who was a bottom (I never asked for this information, they just seemed eager to talk about it). I also learned very quickly that partying with them meant buying a lot of costumes. Every party was a theme party- 80’s night, military, winter wonderland, and don’t even get me started on Halloween.  

Halloween was like the high holiday of 2nd floor North (the wing where my friend and all his buddies lived). They all planned how they were going to spend the night weeks in advance, and it was generally agreed that anyone who went to a party with no celebrities, had failed at Halloween. My friend got an internship with a promotional company, and used it to get us into a party that Paris Hilton was making an appearance at (this should help you estimate my age; I was a freshman in college when people were starting to no longer give a shit about Paris Hilton). To put it lightly, Halloween was a big fucking deal.  

Now that I’m dating Jay, I couldn’t help but wonder whether he would care as much about Halloween as the gay guys of 2nd Floor North. I sometimes make mental notes of when he seems more straight versus more gay, and I was waiting to see where he would fall when it comes to Halloween.

Well… much to my disappointment, he acts like all the big lame straight guys I know in regards to Halloween. The topic came up when we walked passed one of those temporary Halloween costume stores a few weeks ago (Halloween Spirit or something??).  

Me: What are you going to be for Halloween?  

Jay: I dunno.  

Me: What? Why not?  

Jay: It’s still September. It’s not like I spend the whole year planning my costume. Why? Do you know what you’re going to be?  

Me: I haven’t made the final decision yet, but I’ve been considering various options and I’ve narrowed it down to three. I’m actually way behind schedule, and it’s stressing me out.  

Jay: You are such a spaz!  

Me: Well, what were you last year?  

Jay: I didn’t dress up.  

I almost had a heart attack (and I feel like the gay guys of 2nd floor north probably also sensed a disturbance in the force, knowing that somewhere, someone had just said they didn’t dress up for Halloween). What kind of person doesn’t dress up for Halloween? You only get a limited number in your lifetime, why would you waste one of them??  To make matters worse, Jay revealed that as a child he repeated many of his costumes, for example he wore his “Scream” villian mask several years in a row.

Jay said that if I wanted him to dress up as something this year, he would. He even offered to do something matchy, but I immediately refused. I hate couple costumes. However, I did ask him to go with me to Max’s Halloween party. (Max also takes halloween very seriously; another reason we are best friends).

“Well, what do you want me to be?” Jay asked.  

“I don’t care. I’m not going to tell you what to be,” I said. “Halloween is an opportunity for self expression.”  

“… You take this holiday too seriously.”  

I did ultimately make some suggestions. Since Jay was going to be my date to Max’s Halloween party, I wanted to show off a little bit. Max and I are competitive, and I wanted to rub it in his face that I’m dating someone hotter than the person he is dating. Normally, I would be mature about these kinds of things, but Max has it coming since he did something to really tick me off a few weeks ago… but that is a story for another day.  

Stay tuned as Jay and I work out our Halloween costumes 🙂

Also, I’m curious to hear what you all are going to be, or what your favorite Halloween costume was (or both!)  

-Sydney S.

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