Monthly Archives: April 2014

Bi Guy Seeks Advice

I got a question from a reader seeking advice, and I wanted to respond to him publicly since I think others might benefit from discussing these issues. (This question was posted publicly, so I don’t believe I’m violating his privacy). Here’s the question:

 I am a bi male… I say bi because…

- I am attracted to men and women

- I have only dated and had sex with men
-I have kissed women but never dated or had sex with one
– I don’t feel confident with women but would prefer to marry a woman and have kids blah blah over marrying a man.
How soon should I tell a woman that I’ve had had sex/dated men? 
Should I tell her at all?

As some of you may have noticed, I like to respond to questions by breaking them down into smaller issues, so that’s what I’m going to do.

Issue 1: I have only dated and had sex with men… I have kissed women but never dated or had sex with one

First of all, this is interesting to me since most of the bi guys I hear from have more experience with women. It’s really cool to hear from someone who has more experience with men. I think this is less common because society tends to push men towards women; it’s unusual to find a bi guy who leans towards men.

Second of all, this issue is important because one might wonder why you have only dated men. My biggest worry is that you have only dated men because you are more attracted to men, and that now you only want to date a woman for convenience/societal acceptance reasons.

I don’t ever think it’s a good idea to settle for something (someone) that is not your ideal. If you prefer men, you should be with a man. You only get one life (I think), and I would not want to waste it on a life long compromise. I would give up convenience and social acceptance to get what I really want.

Your question wasn’t clear on why you have only dated men, so if it’s not because you prefer men,  then read on to my advice about dating a woman. Just make sure you aren’t dating women to settle.

 Issue 2: I don’t feel confident with women but would prefer to marry a woman and have kids blah blah over marrying a man.

If your lack of confidence is just due to… jitters (the kind that all straight guys get when talking to pretty girls), I suggest you dive in and ask out some girls. Be polite and respectful, and I’m sure women will be thrilled, and you’ll build more confidence. As a bi man dating men, you get the benefit of understanding a little more about the other person’s gender. But when you date women, you lose that advantage. You have to swim in unknown waters. Just like the rest of us.

But, keep in mind that if you’re lack of confidence is due to the fact that you really feel more comfortable dating men, maybe you should reevaluate whether dating a woman is the right thing.

As for having kids, it is of course easier to have a baby with a woman. But don’t forget that a lot of same sex couples adopt children or use a surrogate. Just something to keep in mind.

Issue 3: How soon should I tell a woman that I’ve had had sex/dated men?
 Should I tell her at all?

Yes, you should tell her. That is a resounding YES.

Two reasons: First of all, you want to be open and honest with your partner, etc. etc. We all know about doing the right thing, being honest, whatev. BUT the second reason is a more practical one, and to me it’s more compelling: There is always a chance she will find out anyway. If she finds out later you may end up with a ruined relationship much further down the line- not just because you are bi, but because you lied about it. Better to get it all out in the open before you have kids, a mortgage, and less chance of finding a subsequent partner. So tell her, and if she reacts badly, better to know sooner rather than later.

And how soon should you tell her? This is a really tough one. My first thought would be, you have to tell her before you start sleeping with her. Why? I don’t know… Women tend to view sex as a milestone, and she might feel deceived if you get her into be before revealing this information.

Buuuuut on the other hand, bisexuality isn’t THAT big a deal, and if it doesn’t come up until later… I sort of feel like that’s okay too.

I asked Jay for his perspective because I thought his insight might be more helpful. We had the following conversation:

Sort of vague advice...But thanks Jay!

Sort of vague advice…But thanks Jay!

Ultimately he said “I would never consider dating someone seriously that I felt would not be okay with my sexuality. When I would tell someone is all about when I think it’s the right time.”

Main Advice: Start dating/kissing/sleeping with some women to make sure that’s really what you want. Be open to the idea that you might find you enjoyed men more, and if that’s the case, be open to the idea of ending up with a guy.

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Anniversary Gift Idea

EDIBLE ARRANGEMENTS

In a couple weeks, Jay and I will have the one-year anniversary of the day we met. Sorry to disappoint anyone, but I am not the kind of person who sentimentally remembers such dates. I did not write down date in the hopes that, in a year, we would be a happy couple, reminiscing about how we first met. To be honest, I completely forgot about it, and for a long time, was not even sure what month we met in. I assumed it was March or April… or at the very latest, May. To put it succinctly, I did not remember the date of our first encounter, so much as I ‘discovered’ it.

I figured out our anniversary when something unrelated reminded me that it might be coming up. See, last week was the anniversary of a short residential program I participated in, where I got to leave the country and study foreign direct investment in developing nations. The other participants were planning a reunion to discuss… things that aren’t interesting for the purposes of this blog. The point is, that I remembered I met Jay right after returning from that trip, so our one year anniversary must be coming up too. I managed to figure out the exact date by looking at my credit card statement from a year ago, and finding transactions from the places I had gone the day I met Jay.

I don’t view anniversaries as a huge deal, but I do view them as an opportunity to buy gifts, and I freaking LOVE buying gifts. And the moment I realized Jay and I had an anniversary coming up, I knew one thing I was going to get him for sure: an Edible Arrangements*, delivered to work.

I know what you are thinking: ‘Yeah, I’ve hear of Edible Arrangements, but it’s nothing to get so excited about.’ Wrong. Getting an Edible Arrangements delivered to you at work is the best gift ever because it’s the perfect combination of:

1) stuff you can eat and

2) making other people jealous.

Think about it. The main draw to an Edible Arrangements is that it makes a minor scene when it’s delivered to you. You get to act all surprised and humble, like “Oh? For me? I wonder who this could be from…” Then for the rest of your day you are just a little more important than everyone else.

There are a few problems with this gift idea, though. Initially, I thought I was totally set. But then I recalled the last time I ordered an Edible Arrangements. I remember it being kind of expensive… But there was something else that made me mad when I ordered it, and I couldn’t remember what that was. Then it hit me; Edible Arrangements was expensive AND a lot smaller than it looked on the website. The pictures they show are all of the medium sizes, so they look respectable. But if you order a small (the only size even close to reasonably priced), it is substantially smaller than you would expect. It’s almost a hundred bucks (even the little ones are that much if you count delivery fee, tax, and the fact that any arrangement without chocolate dipped fruit is not even worth considering), and for that amount, I want an intimidating amount of fruit- an almost unmanageable amount of fruit. I want an amount of fruit that will cause a problem for Jay at work. Like his boss will come over and be like, “What’s going on? What is all this fruit doing here? Get this fruit out of here!”

The more I looked at the Edible Arrangements, I started thinking of my mom’s catch phrase: I bet I could make that. However in her case, it’s usually true. In my case… I’m not so sure. I’m more of a buyer than a maker. But this Edible Arrangements thing looks do-able. It’s just fruit on sticks. I think.

If I make it myself, I can put more awesome stuff in it, like extra chocolate strawberries and rice krispie treats cut in the shape of stars. That stuff all costs extra if you order it from EdibleArrangements.com.

If this idea works out, I’ll post an awesome picture of it. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll post a hilarious picture of it, and request ideas for other anniversary gifts.

*I maintain that the singular of Edible Arrangements is Edible Arrangements. Edible Arrangements is a company name, so “an Edible Arrangements” is any product from Edible Arrangements, which may include any particular arrangement, or any other product they sell. 

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