Bicker Bicker Bicker…

I try not to say anything bad about Jay on this blog. I realize many people are not familiar with bisexual males, and that for some people, reading this blog might be the only exposure to bisexual males they get. I feel I have a duty to portray Jay as perfect, otherwise readers might think things like… “I guess all bisexual men get too drunk at their girlfriends charity Halloween event.” Or “Oh I guess all bisexual men get too jealous about their girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend.” And that would be unfair to all the sober, confident bisexuals out there, who don’t do any of these things.

I recently realized, however, sweeping Jay’s faults under the rug might not be the best idea. For one thing, it could encourage the idea that he does not actually exist. (Yes, I have been accused of fabricating Jay.) I mean, if a girl was going to invent a fantasy boyfriend, wouldn’t she make him perfect? Tall, handsome, athletic, funny… Yes, Jay is all of these things, but that’s only hard to believe because I never talk about the ways in which he’s a pain in the ass. He is not perfect. And I cannot take credit for creating Jay; that credit goes to his parents, copulating in the early 90’s.

The other reason it might be good to reveal some of Jay’s faults is that it would show they have nothing to do with his sexuality. For any girls out there, worried about getting into a serious relationship with a bi guy, it might help to know that the things that have made my relationship difficult are none of the things that girls seem to be paranoid about when it comes to bi men. What if he looks at men? What if he watches gay porn? What if I’m not enough for him because I don’t have a dick? What if I have to compete with twice as many people now? I can honestly these things haven’t become an issue between Jay and me. Sorry to disappoint, but the things that will get on your nerves could very well be the mundane things that make relationships suck in general.

There was one more reason that I never told stories about Jay’s annoying behaviors, that’s because it’s boring. Using this blog to bitch about my boyfriend would just be stupid and no one would give a crap or want to read it. I feel like its morally wrong to be that self indulgent. When I write anything (not just this blog) I remind myself “Hey Sydney, no one cares about your stupid problems.” But today I’m going to take on the challenge of writing an interesting, relevant entry about a little fight I had with Jay. Here goes:

It all started Sunday night, when Jay texted me to say he hadn’t gotten a job he applied for. I was appropriately supportive and comforting, telling him he was qualified and that job searches are a long process. But he was in one of his moods, and didn’t want to let it go. He started accusing me of leading him on, and wasting his time by telling him that he was qualified for that job. According to him, I should have told him the truth: that he sucked way too much for that job and he should not have bothered applying. I’m going to pause for a second, and say that I know for a fact this is not what I should have told him, because I (stupidly) have told him that before. And it did not go over well. He was complaining about his grad school aspirations, and I said, “Well maybe it’s not for you.” To anyone less emotionally retarded than I am, what happened next is probably obvious: he had a complete fit and said he couldn’t believe I didn’t believe in him.

So you can see why I tried to be optimistic about this job. Furthermore, I wasn’t being dishonest; he was qualified for the job. They just didn’t hire him. Sometimes that’s how it goes.

Anyway, long story short, we had a nice 2 hour bicker over the phone, and at the end of it, I realized I was exhausted. Not just exhausted by the fight, but exhausted by him. And so I told him we needed to take a break from seeing each other.

Don’t panic, we didn’t break up. I just needed space to work on some things without the emotional drama of a relationship. I also wanted to give Jay some time to reflect on why he has been so moody lately. (To all the haters out there, this is the perfect moment to say its because he’s gay. Go ahead. I’ll wait.)

The truth is I don’t know why he has been so moody- but I can say almost with certainty that it’s not because he’s gay. More likely he is depressed about not having a job, or because he feels like he doesn’t have many friends around here anymore. Who knows. I even suspect it’s because he finds my personality frustrating and annoying, but hasn’t let himself admit that yet. He insists this is not the case, but he could be lying, or he may not have realized it yet.

Point being, it wasn’t the fight that exhausted me. I just realized in that moment that his attitude over the past couple weeks has been exhausting me. He honestly acts like he doesn’t enjoy being around me. He doesn’t talk very much- if I ask him a hypothetical question, just to start a conversation, he answers as quickly as he can to get it over with; or he’ll say something like “I don’t know.” (Me: If you could be any super hero, who would you want to be? Jay: I dunno.) If I don’t start talking, we’ll just sit there in silence. Other times, I’ll be talking about something I think is important or interesting, and at the end, he’ll be looking out the window saying, “I didn’t realize you could smoke on that patio.”

In other words, its like he’s trying to tell me, “I don’t find you interesting. I don’t enjoy being around you. I wish I was somewhere else.” And honestly, if that were true, I would be fine with it. Yeah it would suck a little bit, but I’m really good at accepting when something just isn’t meant to be. Problem is, he insists this is not the case, and that he loves being around me.

Well, unfortunately, regardless of whether he actually likes being around me, I don’t enjoy being around someone who just sits there and makes me feel… disliked. So I decided I needed to take some time to be alone with the best person in the world: me.  In the mean time, he can reflect on what’s going on with himself, and hopefully, when we hang out again, he’ll be the kind of person that makes me feel awesome when I’m around him, rather than someone who brings down the mood.

And for the men out there: Why do guys act like this? Is it me? Be honest. I can take it.

And don’t worry, Jay and I will be back together soon; as soon as I start needing more material for this blog 😉

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9 Comments

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9 responses to “Bicker Bicker Bicker…

  1. Guy here.

    Depending on what his job hunt is looking like, it might be that your “interesting” or “important” smalltalk feels, well, small in comparison to the stuff he’s having to deal with. I can’t explain the patio comment, but my gut feeling is that he’s preoccupied and the setbacks are making him moody.

    I’ve seen similar personality changes from people (men and women) who were caring for a severely ill parent or spouse, or who were dealing with something tremendously stressful. Job searches often count as “tremendously stressful.”

    • ^_^

      Thanks for your input. This is actually really helpful. One of my biggest problems is that I have trouble understanding how people are feeling if I haven’t felt that way myself. In this case, its hard for me to believe that someone could get so moody about a job search because… well I just wouldn’t react that way. So I kind of assumed it was something about me, even though he said it wasn’t. I assumed he must be lying. But yeah, people react differently to things, so that could be it…

      Thanks for your advice!

  2. First, I believe your boyfriend exists, okay? Why is he acting like this? Well, I know that whenever I get overly stressed, I behaved worse than Jay’s doing – I have to focus on not letting whatever’s stressing the hell out of me get the best of me and even trying to get a grip on myself doesn’t mean I’m going to be a joy to be around.

    I know some guys get that moody because they’re frustrated that they can’t get any dick because it’s not easy to find a guy who’d be willing to throw down the way you’d want to throw down – and that just adds more frustration and stress to the pot; I know it can frustrate me pretty good at times. Add on some “can’t find a damned job” stress and that’s a pretty messed up head space and, yep, you get to be public enemy number one because you’re trying to comfort him as you should being his woman! So, yeah, if boyfriend’s not gonna tell you what really eating at him, taking a break from him – without breaking up – is probably a good thing to do – gives him a chance to get his head in the right place and all that no matter what’s bugging him and making him so moody.

    And you thought women could be royal bitches? Nope, y’all don’t totally own this particular process at all!

    Could it be you? I don’t know you that well to make that determination although from what you wrote, I’d say it would be kinda easy for him to take your level of support the wrong way at times – but that’s mostly the way he’s looking at things and not necessarily a fault of yours that I can see; I’d want my lady giving me all the moral support she could if I were having “find a job” issues – at least I’d know the whole world wasn’t conspiring against me!

  3. Thanks for the advice.

    Yeah I think i need to just give him space. Hopefully he doesn’t have a problem with me :-/ hahaha

    And you are right- people complain that women are hard to figure out, but I think men are hard to figure out. All the men I know (friends included) can get so damn fussy!

  4. WD

    Bi guy’s thoughts: Sounds like his job situation is causing some stress, which us totally understandable. The support of ones significant other is very important in times like this since without important work in our lives it is easy to feel “worthless”. As Freud said, “all we humans need is love and work” and without work, we can be very depressed. Don’t give him space, but engage constructively, offer encouragement and support, and show him that he is loved, and that this setback is only temporary. (This has nothing to do with being bi).

    • Thanks for your suggestions. I know lack of work can leave one bored and depressed; If this is the cause, I just wish he could handle it better.

      And I like your comment at the end; it just kind of made me laugh. I’ve notice that most things in life have nothing to do with being bi.

      • WD

        90% of the “rough patches” in M-F relationships are the result of the age-old differences in male/female communication patterns, that is, females feel the need to constantly be in communication about their emotions and feelings, while males do no need that constant communication. If you have a date with a guy in two weeks and you don’t hear from him it just means everything is fine and there are no changes in plans, while women think that such a lack of communication must mean something is wrong, lol. Guys actually go on long car rides with a friend and don’t feel the need to talk constantly; you can enjoy someone’s company by just sharing the silence together. This “issue” has only been going on since the beginning of time, lol. It’s always so funny though.

      • I’m actually glad you brought this point up. To be honest, I don’t think Male/Female communication difference is the problem here. I don’t really need to talk about feelings or anything like that. I just want to talk about something. The truth is, I don’t have many female friends because I don’t like to talk about deep things like that very often; most of my friends are guys, and when I’m around them, we just make jokes, or quote funny TV shows, or stuff like that. But this counts as talking, and we laugh about stuff, and when I’m around them, its great.

        Jay on the other hand just sits there, bringing down the mood. And I feel like… I’m busy and I have a lot of stuff to do, so if we’re just gonna sit there in silence, I’d be better off using that time for something else like doing work, responding to emails etc…

  5. Job hunting is a touchy area for some men I think. I can relate. He also might just be an introvert and not want to talk all the time or share all thoughts with someone. I bring up random thoughts all the time, but I still listen. It pisses my GF off, but I do hear everything she says…she just goes on longer than necessary or tells me the same things I’ve heard…but if I don’t mention something in my head (that’s totally off the wall), I will forget it.

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