Tag Archives: bi guys

If Gay Men Marry Your Girlfriends, Will Bi Guys Do It Too?

Jay told me about this video called “Gay Men Will Marry Your Girlfriends.” It’s this video where all these gay guys claim that if gay marriage isn’t allowed, they will respond by marrying straight guys’ girlfriends. If you haven’t seen it, you can check it out above. It’s pretty funny.

The gay guys go through all the reasons why they would make better husbands than straight men. For example, they dress better, they can cook fancy breakfasts, they like to go to art galleries, and so on…

The video got me thinking… since I’m dating a bi guy, I should be entitled to at least some of the perks of dating a gay guy- let’s just pick a number at random; I’d say about 50%, give or take. Seems fair, right? I brought this up to Jay, and pointed out that he doesn’t do any of the stuff that the gay guys in the video brag about. He countered, saying that in fact he does a lot of it. So I’ve taken it upon myself to go down the list and figure out if I would in fact be better off with a gay guy. Let’s  have a look:

1. Being ripped/working out all the time. The gay guys explain that all gay men are in great shape, even though it does not seem statistically possible, because gay men love going to the gym. In fairness, Jay is also ripped and loves going to the gym. The only thing he loves more than going to the gym is… going to the gym when that random tall brunette guy asks him for a spot. #lame. #orhot. #imnotsure.  So fine. One point for Jay.
Jay: 1/ Sydney & Gay Men: 0

"We will got the gym... and after get Pinkberry as a reward"

“We will got the gym… and after get Pinkberry as a reward”

2. Dressing better. Jay doesn’t dress badly, but he’s a far cry from fabulous. Even he admits this. He says that gay men judge him for it. As  they should.
Jay: 1/ Sydney & Gay Men: 1

"While you were busy spilling manwhich on your cargo shorts, we were inspecting our oxfords..."

“While you were busy spilling manwhich on your cargo shorts, we were inspecting our oxfords…”

3. Making quiche for breakfast. With a side of hummus. Made from scratch. Jay has never made me quiche. Pretty sure he doesn’t know how. I’m not really sure if he can cook or not, but I think he can’t. He pointed out that I don’t even like quiche, and I was impressed that he remembered that, but this contest is not about remembering things.
Jay: 1/ Sydney & Gay Men: 2

"Do you even know the difference between hummus and babaganoush?"

“Do you even know the difference between hummus and babaganoush?”

4. Wanting to go out dancing. Alright, so Jay loves dancing. This is actually a super easy date we can both agree on.
Jay: 2/ Sydney & Gay Men: 2

5. Wanting to see Broadway shows. Jay responded to this one saying, “Dude, I’ll go to theatre shows or whatever. I’m totally down for that shit.” Not expressed as articulately as the gay guys, but I guess he technically agreed, so one point for him.
Jay: 3/ Sydney & Gay Men: 2

6. Listening to girls for hours and reassuring them the other girl is the one being a bitch. Jay would probably do this if I wanted to tell him about my friend problems, but I don’t. Most of my friends are guys, and I can see for myself when they are being bitches, no reassurance needed. I think this one’s a draw.
Jay: 3/ Sydney & Gay Men: 2

7. Two guy three-way. We’ve never done this, but I feel like if we did, Jay would just complain the whole time. (That it was too crowded, or the air conditioning wasn’t on, or… whatever).
Jay: 3/ Sydney & Gay Men: 3

"And the kind of threesome she wants? Oh, we're cool with that."

“And the kind of threesome she wants? Oh, we’re cool with that.”

I didn’t plan this, but it actually worked out exactly 50/50 (or 3/3, I suppose). So that settles it. Ladies if you are looking for a step up from straight, but not ready to go full gay, might I suggest a bi guy? If you can find one that makes quiche, you’ve even got me beat.

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Survey Preview: Bi Guys Do Have More Fun

Survey Preview

I have gotten a lot of support for the survey, and I have already learned a lot about bi guys from looking at the wide range of responses I got. I do not want to release the results yet, since I am still trying to get more representation for certain groups, but I did want to share one result that has made me really happy.

While I was thinking of questions for the survey, I asked Jay whether he would still pick to be bi if he could choose between bi, gay, or straight. Apparently, that was an easy question for him- he said he would definitely still want to be bi. I thought that would be his answer, but I also thought he would have to think about it a lot. After all, he has complained about the many trials and tribulations of being a bi male: women don’t want to date you because they think you’ll cheat with a man; men don’t want to date you because they think you’re gay and not ‘out’ yet; one of the doors on your car doesn’t unlock automatically any more (What? Bi men have to deal with this too. I mean, it’s not caused by their sexuality, but it’s still an issue…) Point being, I was pleasantly surprised that Jay was so certain he would still pick to be bi if he had the choice.

I asked him why, and he said, “Come on, it’s way more fun to be bi.” Can’t argue with that.

So, you can imagine that I was equally please when I looked at the survey results, and saw that so far the overwhelming majority of guys who participated  would still pick to be bi. How awesome is that? #worthit

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Bisexual Guys Survey is READY!!!

Screen Shot of Survey

One of the things I’ve wanted to do, ever since I started dating Jay and had trouble finding information about bi guys, is conduct a survey of bisexual men. This would be soooo helpful. It would show that everyone is different, and it would answer a lot of the questions straight women (and gay guys… and straight guys, and lesbians, and bi women, and everyone else) have about bisexual males.

I have FINALLY gotten the survey up, with help from a few other ladies, and with help from Jay (who really wasn’t that helpful. He contributed like ONE question). I would LOVE it if all my bi male readers would take the survey.

Click here to take it!

It’s anonymous, so please answer honestly if you can. When I get enough responses, I am going to share some of the findings, in the form of colorful charts and graphs.

Some of the questions are a personal, some are totally naughty;  if you don’t want to answer something, leave it blank. You can also write ‘fuck you sydney’ in the comment box if I’ve made you uncomfortable and you want to express your anger.

I really think this will be helpful, and lift away some of the mystery that surrounds bisexual guys.

Please take the survey, and PLEASE send it to any other bisexual guys that you know. Also, please offer suggestions on how I can find other bi guys to participate.

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Straight Bro Drama at Chinese Hot Pot

In case you're wondering, that's Miss Lotus Blossom and Max (in his hobo sweatshirt) in the background.

In case you’re wondering, that’s Miss Lotus Blossom and Max (in his hobo sweatshirt) in the background.

As I’ve mentioned I have a lot of guy friends. First of all there is Max, who I’ve written about a couple times- and who now knows about this blog, so I can never say anything bad about him on it again… Hi Max. Sorry I called you a womanizer.

Who am I kidding. Max isn’t reading this. He doesn’t like to hear about my life when I’m telling him in person; there’s no way he’s reading about here.

Then there’s Stephen. Stephen is a good guy. You know how you know someone who’s really chill, and when someone else asks you about them, you say, “Oh yeah, he’s a good guy”? That’s what everyone says about Stephen. He’s just one of those people who’s nice, and funny, and a natural leader.

So Max and Stephen and I were hanging out and chatting, and we decided we should go to dinner. It was between Brazilian BBQ or Chinese hot pot, and I wanted hot pot, and I had a tantrum about it, so I got my way. (If you’ve never had Chinese hot pot… you should. It’s so good. I’ve literally tried to befriend random Chinese people in the hopes that they will go with me to hot pot).

I invited Jay, and Max invited his girlfriend, who will be referred to as Miss Lotus Blossom (because she’s beautiful and modeled in Asia before moving here… and also because I’ve called her this before, and I know Max hates it). We also invited another guy friend, Ray, so that Stephen wouldn’t feel like a 5th wheel. Miss Lotus Blossom and I were technically diluting the bro-iness of the group, but between Max, Stephen, and Ray, I felt like it was going to be a pretty bro-y evening.

Stephen and I got there first, and fought to get the last two seats in the waiting area, since this, and pretty much every other hot pot place wont seat you until your whole damn party has arrived. They make you stand in line like it’s the fuckin XS Night Club of Asian food and you’re not on the list bitch… What am I talking about? Oh yeah, so Jay arrived next, and this is when the straight bro drama started. You may never have noticed, but guys say stuff that is mildly homophobic like… all the time. I don’t think they mean anything bad by it, and honestly I never noticed it before. Since I started dating Jay, however, I’ve been more aware of all the mildly homophobic things straight guys say without evening meaning to.

So Jay came in, and Stephen and I were sitting in the chairs, and I said to Jay, “I’d offer you my chair, but… I don’t want to.”

Stephen laughed, then said, “I’d offer you my chair, but a dude offering his chair to another dude seems kinda gay.”

Stephen laughed, and Jay laughed too. But for a second, I got super paranoid. I was worried Jay might be offended, or at least uncomfortable. I was also worried Stephen might keep going and say something worse; he doesn’t know Jay is bi, and, truthfully he has said some slightly offensive things about gay people in the past. I know, crucify me, I shouldn’t be friends with someone like that… But we all have our flaws, and Stephen’s is that he’s oblivious to the fact that some things he says might be offensive. It’s not like he’s going around looking for queers to beat up; he just makes offensive jokes sometimes when he thinks no gay people are around.

Stephen’s comment wasn’t that big of a deal. Jay didn’t seem to notice it, and I was the only one glancing around like a paranoid spaz, wondering if things were about to get awkward.

Max, Ray, and Miss Lotus Blossom arrived, and we all sat down. We ate our hot pot, and we talked about other restaurants we should try. I showed Jay the proper way to cook his vegetables. I got really mad when he started eating pieces of beef I had put in the pot. Miss Lotus Blossom told me that I was being too greedy and that in that most Asian cultures, everything that goes into the pot is considered communal. I told her to fuck off. (Just kidding. I have to be polite to her, otherwise she might use her beautiful voodoo to convince Max not to be friends with me).

As much as I was enjoying hoarding all the beef and watching Max get upset when Miss Lotus Blossom told him he was too white to use chopsticks properly, I couldn’t shake the paranoia that had set in earlier. With all the guys together, I spent the whole night worrying that someone might say something like “No-homo” or “that’s so gay”. I thought back to other times we had all hung out and tried to remember how often anti-gay comments were made. It was hard to tell because I had never bothered to keep track of those comments before.

There was another questionable incident when the check came; Max and Ray started Fake Gay-ing Out. Fake Gay-ing Out is that thing when two straight guys pretend to act gay because they think its funny. When I explain what they did, you’ll understand.

So the check came, and Max said he would be paying Ray’s share. Stephen asked why, and Max started to say Ray left his wallet somewhere, but then Ray interrupted and looked at Max and said, “It’s because I had a really nice time tonight,” in a fake sexy voice. Then they burst out laughing. Ray continued, laughing the whole time, “Didn’t you know this was a date? I always go on dates with Max.”

Again, everyone was laughing, and Stephen said, “Uh oh, does [Miss Lotus Blossom] know about this?” (Obviously he called her by her actual name.)

Miss Lotus Blossom rolled her eyes and said, “Of course. They are practically lovers.” She was referring to the fact that Max and Ray have an intense bromance.

The hilarity continued and people shouted comments like “It’s not cheating if its one of your bros!”

“But she’s cool with it, right?” Ray joked.

“Whatever,” Miss Lotus Blossom said.

Stephen was still laughing, and said, “How far can they go before you would be mad? Could they make out?”

“They almost do,” she said, shaking her head. “All their high five-ing and wrestling when they see each other.”

The worst part was, I was afraid someone might turn the conversation on me, and say something like “How about you, would you be mad if Jay made out with one of his bros?” And then I would freeze up and get all awkward, knowing that Max and Jay and I appreciate the significance of that question, but everyone else thinks its silliness. And then everyone would be wondering why we got all quiet, and they would suspect something was up… Luckily, I was just being paranoid, and none of that happened. They just laughed it off and paid the check.

I am not sure if any of this made Jay uncomfortable. Maybe he didn’t care, and maybe its weird that I think he would care. It made me a little uncomfortable because the whole time I was thinking, “I have wondered in seriousness how mad I would be if my boyfriend made out with another guy…” But to them, it was so absurd, that it was just joke. (The answer, if anyone is wondering is that I would be pretty ticked off if Jay made out with another guy and tried to hide it from me, but the anger would be more about the lying and hiding, not so much about the making out.)

For what its worth, Max didn’t contribute to the Fake Gaying Out. He’s the only one who knows about Jay, and that might be why. Or he may have just been in a prime beef and house noodles food coma.

Later, I asked Jay if Stuff like Stephen’s comment about the chairs makes him feel weird, and he said it does but only for like 30 seconds and then he forgets about it. I forgot to ask him about the Fake Gaying Out, but I probably should… What do you guys think? Offensive or not?

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Debate About Revealing a Partner’s Bisexuality

I assumed that it was 100% public knowledge that Jay was bisexual. When we first met, he told me he’s very open about it. I assumed that meant it didn’t matter if I told other people about it, but apparently I was wrong, and we got into a little tiff about this. Here’s how it happened…

A few weeks ago, a guy that Jay used to date invited us to this ‘event’ at a club (lets call this guy Brad). At first I thought it was just clubbing, so I was planning to invite a bunch of my other friends. But the more they discussed the event, it sounded like something beyond ‘just clubbing’. I wasn’t entirely sure what it was, but I managed to gather that there would be men dressed in women’s clothing, so I thought to myself, “Hm, I better not invite all my conservative friends, and possibly freak them out, since I don’t know what this is.”

We went to the event, and it was really fun. People were dressed kinda crazy, but overall, nothing unreasonable was going on. I figured that I’d bring some of my friends next time. In the mean time, the group I was with all took pictures of ourselves having tons of fun, and put them up on Facebook. 

The next morning, one of my best girl friends, Leslie, texted me, saying, “Blah blah blah, why didn’t you invite me last night? Blah blah blah I always invite you…” Yeah. She was pissed. Apparently that venue was somewhere she goes to all the time and loves, and she was really mad that I went there without inviting her. I know. I’m the worst person in the world. Whatever.

I figured I would try to explain that I didn’t plan the outing, and also why I didn’t invite her: Brad, Jay’s ex, this little gay dude, planned it and I didn’t know what it was until I got there.

The problem is Leslie doesn’t know Jay is bi. So that makes explaining his gay ex a little hard. I could have crafted a way around those details, but I figured the story would be easier to tell if I just explained the whole thing.

So I texted Jay and asked if I could tell Leslie he was bi. At first he said, “Yeah, sure.”

Then he added something like, “As long as she wont think I’m actually gay.”

I told him that she would more likely think he was actually straight… I don’t remember the details, but that lead to a discussion of whether she would believe he was bi or not. I admitted I wasn’t sure what she would think, and then Jay said, “Never mind, I don’t want you to tell her.”

“Why not? You tell strangers.”

“Because this is different. It’s your best friend-“ (Jay was wrong about this, Nora is my best friend, but that’s not important to this story…) “And she’s going to try to convince you that guys can’t be bisexual, and that I’m going to end up gay.”

I didn’t see the problem with that. Leslie has tried to convince me of a lot stupider things before (like that putting a caramel apple in a Ferragamo handbag would not ruin the bag [or the apple] if it was only in there for a few minutes). I have no problem fully disregarding advice that Leslie gives me.

However, Jay explained that Lesley’s opinion of his sexuality was not the problem. “The problem,” he said. “Is why you are telling her.”

I was confused. As far as I knew, I was telling her to get her off my back about not inviting her to some stupid club. But Jay thought differently.

“You are telling her,” he said, “For the same reason you told Max and your mom; because you weren’t sure about dating me, and you wanted their advice. And you’re still not sure, so you’re asking Leslie to help you decide whether it’s a good idea.”

I literally rolled my eyes at this. “Listen,” I said. “I never ask my mom for advice; that’s why we aren’t close. And as for Max, he has the good sense not to try to tell me what to do, which is why we are close. I can assure you that telling them about your sexuality had nothing to do with trying to get advice on whether to date a bisexual guy.”

Eventually Jay admitted that he believed me. He explained that he’s had issues in the past with girls blacklisting him because of his sexuality. Fine. Fair enough. Whatever.

But he also explained that I should not have just assumed it was okay to disclose his sexuality. This was very personal information, he explained.

“But its on your facebook,” I argued.

“Well then people can look at my facebook and ask me about it. But you can’t just assume you can go around telling people.”

“Well how am I suppose to know all these rules?” I said.

“I don’t know.”

“There’s no handbook of bisexual men. There’s no ten commandments for dating bi guys,” I said. “How am I supposed to know what I can tell people and what’s a secret? I can’t know what’s socially appropriate when it comes to bisexuality.”

“It’s the same as being gay. You can’t just go around telling people someone is gay.”

“No,” I said. “It’s not. If we were a gay couple, everyone would know just by looking at us, and there would be no need to tell my friends. It is different.”

“I don’t know,” Jay finally said.

********

So here is my question to all you readers out there; what are the rules for disclosing someone’s bisexuality? Is it a faux pas to ‘out’ them? Or does keeping it a secret mean you are ashamed? 

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Bicker Bicker Bicker…

I try not to say anything bad about Jay on this blog. I realize many people are not familiar with bisexual males, and that for some people, reading this blog might be the only exposure to bisexual males they get. I feel I have a duty to portray Jay as perfect, otherwise readers might think things like… “I guess all bisexual men get too drunk at their girlfriends charity Halloween event.” Or “Oh I guess all bisexual men get too jealous about their girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend.” And that would be unfair to all the sober, confident bisexuals out there, who don’t do any of these things.

I recently realized, however, sweeping Jay’s faults under the rug might not be the best idea. For one thing, it could encourage the idea that he does not actually exist. (Yes, I have been accused of fabricating Jay.) I mean, if a girl was going to invent a fantasy boyfriend, wouldn’t she make him perfect? Tall, handsome, athletic, funny… Yes, Jay is all of these things, but that’s only hard to believe because I never talk about the ways in which he’s a pain in the ass. He is not perfect. And I cannot take credit for creating Jay; that credit goes to his parents, copulating in the early 90’s.

The other reason it might be good to reveal some of Jay’s faults is that it would show they have nothing to do with his sexuality. For any girls out there, worried about getting into a serious relationship with a bi guy, it might help to know that the things that have made my relationship difficult are none of the things that girls seem to be paranoid about when it comes to bi men. What if he looks at men? What if he watches gay porn? What if I’m not enough for him because I don’t have a dick? What if I have to compete with twice as many people now? I can honestly these things haven’t become an issue between Jay and me. Sorry to disappoint, but the things that will get on your nerves could very well be the mundane things that make relationships suck in general.

There was one more reason that I never told stories about Jay’s annoying behaviors, that’s because it’s boring. Using this blog to bitch about my boyfriend would just be stupid and no one would give a crap or want to read it. I feel like its morally wrong to be that self indulgent. When I write anything (not just this blog) I remind myself “Hey Sydney, no one cares about your stupid problems.” But today I’m going to take on the challenge of writing an interesting, relevant entry about a little fight I had with Jay. Here goes:

It all started Sunday night, when Jay texted me to say he hadn’t gotten a job he applied for. I was appropriately supportive and comforting, telling him he was qualified and that job searches are a long process. But he was in one of his moods, and didn’t want to let it go. He started accusing me of leading him on, and wasting his time by telling him that he was qualified for that job. According to him, I should have told him the truth: that he sucked way too much for that job and he should not have bothered applying. I’m going to pause for a second, and say that I know for a fact this is not what I should have told him, because I (stupidly) have told him that before. And it did not go over well. He was complaining about his grad school aspirations, and I said, “Well maybe it’s not for you.” To anyone less emotionally retarded than I am, what happened next is probably obvious: he had a complete fit and said he couldn’t believe I didn’t believe in him.

So you can see why I tried to be optimistic about this job. Furthermore, I wasn’t being dishonest; he was qualified for the job. They just didn’t hire him. Sometimes that’s how it goes.

Anyway, long story short, we had a nice 2 hour bicker over the phone, and at the end of it, I realized I was exhausted. Not just exhausted by the fight, but exhausted by him. And so I told him we needed to take a break from seeing each other.

Don’t panic, we didn’t break up. I just needed space to work on some things without the emotional drama of a relationship. I also wanted to give Jay some time to reflect on why he has been so moody lately. (To all the haters out there, this is the perfect moment to say its because he’s gay. Go ahead. I’ll wait.)

The truth is I don’t know why he has been so moody- but I can say almost with certainty that it’s not because he’s gay. More likely he is depressed about not having a job, or because he feels like he doesn’t have many friends around here anymore. Who knows. I even suspect it’s because he finds my personality frustrating and annoying, but hasn’t let himself admit that yet. He insists this is not the case, but he could be lying, or he may not have realized it yet.

Point being, it wasn’t the fight that exhausted me. I just realized in that moment that his attitude over the past couple weeks has been exhausting me. He honestly acts like he doesn’t enjoy being around me. He doesn’t talk very much- if I ask him a hypothetical question, just to start a conversation, he answers as quickly as he can to get it over with; or he’ll say something like “I don’t know.” (Me: If you could be any super hero, who would you want to be? Jay: I dunno.) If I don’t start talking, we’ll just sit there in silence. Other times, I’ll be talking about something I think is important or interesting, and at the end, he’ll be looking out the window saying, “I didn’t realize you could smoke on that patio.”

In other words, its like he’s trying to tell me, “I don’t find you interesting. I don’t enjoy being around you. I wish I was somewhere else.” And honestly, if that were true, I would be fine with it. Yeah it would suck a little bit, but I’m really good at accepting when something just isn’t meant to be. Problem is, he insists this is not the case, and that he loves being around me.

Well, unfortunately, regardless of whether he actually likes being around me, I don’t enjoy being around someone who just sits there and makes me feel… disliked. So I decided I needed to take some time to be alone with the best person in the world: me.  In the mean time, he can reflect on what’s going on with himself, and hopefully, when we hang out again, he’ll be the kind of person that makes me feel awesome when I’m around him, rather than someone who brings down the mood.

And for the men out there: Why do guys act like this? Is it me? Be honest. I can take it.

And don’t worry, Jay and I will be back together soon; as soon as I start needing more material for this blog 😉

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The Castro Part II

Don’t click on the video if you don’t want to hear loud Katy Perry music.

(I filmed it on my phone while inside a club in the Castro, just to capture the vibe)

The reason I broke this article into two parts is because I wanted to convey 2 separate messages. The first is that the Castro was fun, and if you haven’t been, you should go. However, this second part will address the fact that Jay and I didn’t really enjoy our visit, for various reasons that should not discourage anyone else from going.

As I explained, it was my idea to go to the Castro, and I thought Jay would like it. Unfortunately, he didn’t seem too enthused about it. The entire way there, he was in a bad mood. At first I thought he was just still mad about how I made him look at the sea lions for what he considered to be “too long.” I didn’t think he was upset about going to the Castro since he complains about how he worries girls will not accept the side of him that likes guys, and here I was being totally accepting.

But as the night progressed, he seemed… grumpy.

After we bought the jacket, Jay complained that he wanted to change out of his sweatshirt and wear his new jacket. He explained that some of the gay guys were judging him because he wasn’t dressed stylishly enough.

“… Bullshit.” I said.

“I’m serious. All these guys keep looking at me.”

“I thought you said they were hitting on you,” I teased. (He had complained a little about how he doesn’t like being leered at by older gay men).

“Some of them are.”

“I don’t see anybody looking at you,” I said. “Nobody gives a crap about you.”

We kept walking, and I started paying more attention to people who passed us. And to my surprise, I realized he was right; people were looking at him. And I was really confused about why. Some of them were probably trying to be flirtatious; I asked Jay how they could tell he was bi, and he said they probably couldn’t.

“I think they’d still be doing it if I was straight,” he said.

Other people were looking at him in a different way. Possibly some of them were judging him, but I really have no idea. A middle aged gay couple passed, holding hands. They were both wearing some pretty sexy coats, and one had an off-white scarf. So freaking stylish. They gave Jay a really quick ‘up, down, up’ kind of look. They seemed strangely curious. I thought maybe they were trying to figure out if he was gay or not… or maybe they were trying to figure out what a straight guy was doing in the Castro… That doesn’t make much sense though; it’s a tourist attraction, and I’m sure plenty of straight guys visit each year. Maybe they were judging his clothing. Who knows.

As Jay changed out of his sweatshirt, I couldn’t help but mumble, “Sure that sweatshirt was fine for me, but now you need a jacket to impress all these gay guys…”

Basically, Jay spent the whole night sulking. He sulked while I was buying a cookie, he sulked during sushi, he sulked while we were trying to decide what bar/club to go to. And then, when we actually went to the bar/club, things got really bad.

At first, I assumed that I would be the one not having fun at a gay club. For example, when we walked up to the door, they didn’t card Jay, they just waived him right in. But the guy literally held out his arm out to stop me and said he would need to see some I.D.

“It’s because he thought you looked young,” Jay said, sensing I was pretty ticked off.

“No,” I said. “It’s because I’m not hot enough to get in without being carded.”

“That’s not true.”

“Oh don’t give me that,” I said. “I’ve been clubbing. I know how it works. If you’re hot enough, they’ll let you in no matter what. Clearly, I didn’t make the cut.”

“Well whatever. He doesn’t think you’re hot because he’s gay. He’s only going to let in cute boys,” Jay said.  “This is what guys feel like all the time when they try to go out and have to wait in line and pay cover, and you girls just get to walk right in.”

Indeed, the night turned out to be a complete role reversal; Jay got all the attention, people bought him drinks, the bartenders made them extra strong- all the perks that girls usually get. And yet he still seemed grumpy and on edge.

Then I started to see why he wasn’t a fan of clubbing in the Castro.

A guy came up to us while we were lingering near the bar and started talking to Jay. Where’re you from? What do you do? Are you a student blah blah blah… Then he was giggling and touching Jay’s arm. Then he was asking what we had done in San Francisco so far, and Jay said, “I dunno, we’ve just been walking around the city. This is my girlfriend, by the way.”

“Oh,” the guy said. “So you’re straight?”

“No, I’m bi,” Jay explained.

The guy smirked. “So you’re on your way to gay then.”

“No, I’m bi.”

“Whatever.” The guy walked away.

“This is why I didn’t want to come here,” Jay said to me. “I knew this would happen. People have been judging me all evening, and I hate it.”

Isighed. I still don’t necessarily agree that people on the street were judging him; I think that part was all in his head. Even so, it would explain why he was so tense all night. To make things worse, he was right about the club; people here were definitely judging him. And it got worse as the night went on and everyone got drunker.

Some people would roll their eyes when he said he had a girlfriend, or turn and give me a look of pity, like “you poor thing, can’t you tell your boyfriend is gay?” Other people were just plain mean, saying things like “You don’t belong here,” or “Why don’t you come back when you actually come out.” A couple people said things like “Pretty sure you’re in the wrong club,” which maybe means they thought he was straight; so its not an offensive thing to say, but it’s unfriendly at the least.

A few people were friendly and totally chill about it. We met these guys from… Holland I think, who were really nice. We also talked to this ridiculously hot black guy who had witnessed one of the offensive comments, and agreed that making a bi guy feel unwelcome at a gay club was just uncalled for.

The thing that baffled me the most is that some people said these kinds of things without having any way to possibly know he was bi. I didn’t get how they could tell. Or maybe they couldn’t tell?? Maybe they just didn’t want straight guys there, or maybe they though he was gay and tragically trying to pass me off as a girlfriend… I really don’t understand what they thought our relationship was, or why they were automatically hostile to him. I’m still baffled. I used to go to gay clubs with a gay guy friend, and people seemed to know that he was gay and I was his best girl friend, and everyone was nice to us. I mean lots of gay guys party with girls, so why didn’t people just assume that about me and Jay? Anyway… I have no idea.

So as it turned out, Jay was miserable for a lot of the night, and I on the other hand had a pretty good time once I got past being I.D’ed at the door. The music was good, the guys were hot, and no creepers bothered me, so overall it was pretty fun except for the fact that Jay was getting hated on.

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