Tag Archives: dating bisexual men

If Gay Men Marry Your Girlfriends, Will Bi Guys Do It Too?

Jay told me about this video called “Gay Men Will Marry Your Girlfriends.” It’s this video where all these gay guys claim that if gay marriage isn’t allowed, they will respond by marrying straight guys’ girlfriends. If you haven’t seen it, you can check it out above. It’s pretty funny.

The gay guys go through all the reasons why they would make better husbands than straight men. For example, they dress better, they can cook fancy breakfasts, they like to go to art galleries, and so on…

The video got me thinking… since I’m dating a bi guy, I should be entitled to at least some of the perks of dating a gay guy- let’s just pick a number at random; I’d say about 50%, give or take. Seems fair, right? I brought this up to Jay, and pointed out that he doesn’t do any of the stuff that the gay guys in the video brag about. He countered, saying that in fact he does a lot of it. So I’ve taken it upon myself to go down the list and figure out if I would in fact be better off with a gay guy. Let’s  have a look:

1. Being ripped/working out all the time. The gay guys explain that all gay men are in great shape, even though it does not seem statistically possible, because gay men love going to the gym. In fairness, Jay is also ripped and loves going to the gym. The only thing he loves more than going to the gym is… going to the gym when that random tall brunette guy asks him for a spot. #lame. #orhot. #imnotsure.  So fine. One point for Jay.
Jay: 1/ Sydney & Gay Men: 0

"We will got the gym... and after get Pinkberry as a reward"

“We will got the gym… and after get Pinkberry as a reward”

2. Dressing better. Jay doesn’t dress badly, but he’s a far cry from fabulous. Even he admits this. He says that gay men judge him for it. As  they should.
Jay: 1/ Sydney & Gay Men: 1

"While you were busy spilling manwhich on your cargo shorts, we were inspecting our oxfords..."

“While you were busy spilling manwhich on your cargo shorts, we were inspecting our oxfords…”

3. Making quiche for breakfast. With a side of hummus. Made from scratch. Jay has never made me quiche. Pretty sure he doesn’t know how. I’m not really sure if he can cook or not, but I think he can’t. He pointed out that I don’t even like quiche, and I was impressed that he remembered that, but this contest is not about remembering things.
Jay: 1/ Sydney & Gay Men: 2

"Do you even know the difference between hummus and babaganoush?"

“Do you even know the difference between hummus and babaganoush?”

4. Wanting to go out dancing. Alright, so Jay loves dancing. This is actually a super easy date we can both agree on.
Jay: 2/ Sydney & Gay Men: 2

5. Wanting to see Broadway shows. Jay responded to this one saying, “Dude, I’ll go to theatre shows or whatever. I’m totally down for that shit.” Not expressed as articulately as the gay guys, but I guess he technically agreed, so one point for him.
Jay: 3/ Sydney & Gay Men: 2

6. Listening to girls for hours and reassuring them the other girl is the one being a bitch. Jay would probably do this if I wanted to tell him about my friend problems, but I don’t. Most of my friends are guys, and I can see for myself when they are being bitches, no reassurance needed. I think this one’s a draw.
Jay: 3/ Sydney & Gay Men: 2

7. Two guy three-way. We’ve never done this, but I feel like if we did, Jay would just complain the whole time. (That it was too crowded, or the air conditioning wasn’t on, or… whatever).
Jay: 3/ Sydney & Gay Men: 3

"And the kind of threesome she wants? Oh, we're cool with that."

“And the kind of threesome she wants? Oh, we’re cool with that.”

I didn’t plan this, but it actually worked out exactly 50/50 (or 3/3, I suppose). So that settles it. Ladies if you are looking for a step up from straight, but not ready to go full gay, might I suggest a bi guy? If you can find one that makes quiche, you’ve even got me beat.

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Survey Preview: Bi Guys Do Have More Fun

Survey Preview

I have gotten a lot of support for the survey, and I have already learned a lot about bi guys from looking at the wide range of responses I got. I do not want to release the results yet, since I am still trying to get more representation for certain groups, but I did want to share one result that has made me really happy.

While I was thinking of questions for the survey, I asked Jay whether he would still pick to be bi if he could choose between bi, gay, or straight. Apparently, that was an easy question for him- he said he would definitely still want to be bi. I thought that would be his answer, but I also thought he would have to think about it a lot. After all, he has complained about the many trials and tribulations of being a bi male: women don’t want to date you because they think you’ll cheat with a man; men don’t want to date you because they think you’re gay and not ‘out’ yet; one of the doors on your car doesn’t unlock automatically any more (What? Bi men have to deal with this too. I mean, it’s not caused by their sexuality, but it’s still an issue…) Point being, I was pleasantly surprised that Jay was so certain he would still pick to be bi if he had the choice.

I asked him why, and he said, “Come on, it’s way more fun to be bi.” Can’t argue with that.

So, you can imagine that I was equally please when I looked at the survey results, and saw that so far the overwhelming majority of guys who participated  would still pick to be bi. How awesome is that? #worthit

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Bisexual Guys Survey is READY!!!

Screen Shot of Survey

One of the things I’ve wanted to do, ever since I started dating Jay and had trouble finding information about bi guys, is conduct a survey of bisexual men. This would be soooo helpful. It would show that everyone is different, and it would answer a lot of the questions straight women (and gay guys… and straight guys, and lesbians, and bi women, and everyone else) have about bisexual males.

I have FINALLY gotten the survey up, with help from a few other ladies, and with help from Jay (who really wasn’t that helpful. He contributed like ONE question). I would LOVE it if all my bi male readers would take the survey.

Click here to take it!

It’s anonymous, so please answer honestly if you can. When I get enough responses, I am going to share some of the findings, in the form of colorful charts and graphs.

Some of the questions are a personal, some are totally naughty;  if you don’t want to answer something, leave it blank. You can also write ‘fuck you sydney’ in the comment box if I’ve made you uncomfortable and you want to express your anger.

I really think this will be helpful, and lift away some of the mystery that surrounds bisexual guys.

Please take the survey, and PLEASE send it to any other bisexual guys that you know. Also, please offer suggestions on how I can find other bi guys to participate.

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The Castro, San Francisco Pt. I

Jay has been up in Northern California for a few weeks, studying for an entrance exam. This has been fun because I’ve gotten to come up and visit him on weekends, and see San Francisco and Berkeley. I’ve been to both these places before, but it’s not like there’s a shortage of things to do there; there are so many unique things to experience in both these places!

First day, we went to Berkeley and walked around the campus. I saw a huge spider on an emergency phone; the campus was nice and all, but the spider was really the most memorable part of the day. The next day we went to San Francisco to check out Pier 39. If you haven’t seen it, you should because there are like a million sea lions. I swear. They all crawl up on the docks and just lay there in the sun like the fat lazy creatures they are. They also make a bunch of noise. And in case I haven’t convinced you, Pier 39 also has churros and corn dogs at these snack stands that appear every ten meters. Whatever municipal planner designed this place was a freakin genius. The biggest problem with most locations is insufficient availability of corn dogs, and Pier 39 has solved this problem artfully.

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So many fat sea lions laying around on these platforms…

Aside from eat corndogs and watch sea lions, there was one thing I’ve always wanted to do in San Francisco; I’ve always wanted to go to the Castro. And now that I have a bi boyfriend, what better time to go?

The Castro

The Castro is San Francisco’s gay district, and a lot of history has happened there. Basically, it’s a culturally relevant place for many members of the LGBT community. They’ve got a museum of LGBT history, restaurants and clothing stores manned by super hot gay guys (and womanned by adorable lesbians, but I didn’t see as many of them…), LGBT-friendly bars and lounges, sex toy shops, and of course some boring stuff like a Bank of America.

Castro Guide Book, full of  fun stuff that can only be found in the Castro

Castro Guide Book, full of fun stuff that can only be found in the Castro

Example of the clever ads, showcasing the Castro's Gay Friendly attractions

Example of the clever ads, showcasing the Castro’s Gay Friendly attractions

Info page on GLBT History Museum. I wanted to go but it was 10 minutes to closing when we got there, and Jay didn't want to be "those people"

Info page on GLBT History Museum. I wanted to go but it was 10 minutes to closing when we got there, and Jay didn’t want to be “those people”

I wanted to go there with Jay because… I guess I wanted to know more about his gay side (he uses the term ‘gay side’; hope I’m not offending anyone.) He went to the Castro back when he was dating a guy, and he said it was fun, so I was determined to show him he would have fun there with me too. Just because I’m not a gay guy doesn’t mean I can’t go to the Castro; lots of straight people go to the Castro because it’s a tourist destination.

Aside from wanting to measure up to his past flames, I also wanted to go to the Castro to show him that I’m totally accepting of the side of him that’s attracted to men. I’m not sure if he knows this; he might think that I tolerate that side of him, or am willing to ignore it. But I wanted him to know he doesn’t have to sweep it under the rug or put it in his past just because he’s with me. In other words, walking past salon’s that offer “Boyzilian Waxes”, or looking at fliers and posters for events featuring burly nude men in bondage gear doesn’t freak me out.

I was skimming through the pages of my little guidebook, and I asked Jay if he had ever gotten a 'Boyzilian Wax'. He said, "What? No. What are you talking about?"

I was skimming through the pages of my little guidebook, and I asked Jay if he had ever gotten a ‘Boyzilian Wax’. He said, “What? No. What are you talking about?”

And lastly, aside from all those serious goals, I kind of just thought he would have fun. He could look at some cute bartenders, have some drinks, shop, have a nice dinner, – what about that could be not fun??

In some ways it was fun. It was like being in an entire city where everyone was gay- like if Disneyland had Frontier Land, Tomorrow Land, and Gay Land, this would be Gay Land. And let me tell you, Gay Land is a lot better than the rest of this crappy world.

Jay shopped for a new jacket, and it was interesting watching him interact with the sales attendants. Obviously I’ve met gay sales attendants other places, but it always seems like they are under some unspoken contract to keep the flirtation to a minimum. These guys on the other hand were a little more on the flirty side- as well they should be. I feel  any man who comes to the Castro has consented to some amount of harmless flirtation. Watching Jay was interesting though, because it was clear he was used to being hit on by men. He didn’t act all fidgety about it like some of my straight guy friends do.

I was trying to show Jay this cute preppy blazer, when one of the sales guys came up and said, “Isn’t that one great?”

“See?” I said to Jay. “He likes it too.”

But Jay made a face and said, “I don’t like Blazers,” He turned to the sales guy and said, “She only likes it because she has school boy fantasies.”

I was about to punch Jay in the shoulder, but the sales attendant said, “Oh, don’t worry, I have those all the time.” So instead I laughed and stuck my tongue out at Jay.

Overall, as a tourist destination, the Castro was interesting and fun and I highly recommend it.

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Full Version of Conversation w/ Reader

Some of you may remember when an angry reader invited me to call him on the phone, so he could condemn my relationship with a bi guy. I posted a video summarizing our conversation. Unfortunately, he accused me of altering and misrepresenting our conversation, to make myself seem more favorable, and insisted I post the ‘real’ version, showing what really happened

I apologize if my summary was inaccurate. I shortened the conversation, and only showed key points, but I don’t think I was misleading. Out of fairness to this person, this is the original version; you can decide for yourselves if I was fair or not.

I want to once again express my love and support for the gay community. I know that it is very difficult for men to come out as gay, and I wish that no gay man would ever feel pressured to act straight or hide his true identity. I also understand that a gay man who has managed to embrace his own sexual orientation might resent a guy who is not strong enough to do that and ‘pretends’ to be attracted to women. But I have to insist that there are bisexual men who are genuinely attracted to women as well as men, and it is very hard for them to hear that just because you were never really bi, that they must be the same as you. That’s as hurtful as when straight men claim that being gay is a choice- just because they are attracted to women, that means that you are just ‘choosing’ to be gay? Of course not.

Every needs to understand that just because someone’s sexuality is different from their own, it doesn’t mean that any sexuality is less legitimate.

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My Very First Pride Parade

I was planning to discuss my relationship with Jay chronologically, and since I started writing this blog a couple months after we started dating, I’ve been playing catch up. BUT I’m going to skip ahead for a moment and tell you about our trip to San Francisco’s Pride Celebration & Parade.  We’d been dating several weeks at that point, but I wanted to write about it sooner rather than later, so it would still be somewhat relevant. I’ll discuss how our relationship formed in later posts.

pride0062 copy

A few weeks ago, Jay and I went to the 43rd annual “Pride Celebration & Parade” in San Francisco. This years Pride was especially festive because DOMA had just been struck down by the Supreme Court, and I certainly didn’t want to miss this once in a lifetime experience.

Technically, I’d been to a Pride parade in San Diego, but this was my very first one in San Francisco, so I was extra excited. I’d been warned that the parade and subsequent gatherings could get a little crazy. According to Jay (and his straight roommates who weren’t sure how much I knew about gay culture in SF), there would very likely be nudity at this event. Actually, one of them said something like, “I mean, you’re definitely gonna see some old man dick.” There would be all sorts of people dressed up (and NOT dressed up) in a wide variety of festive attire that would cover (and not cover) a whole range of body parts. I acted like “Nudity? What? Oh wow, thanks for letting me know,” but in my head I was like “Haha… cool.”

Jay also put me on notice that gay guys might hit on him. At this point we had been dating for several weeks, and I think he still wasn’t entirely sure where I stood vis’ a vis his sexuality, especially since we hadn’t (and still haven’t) sat down and talked about it in detail. Perhaps he was afraid that actually SEEING another man hit on him might send me into some kind of girl-rage. Overall, however, he said gay guys would probably not hit on him since I would be there, terrifying them with my spectacular femininity (he didn’t say that second part, but I can only assume that’s what he meant).

I was actually a little disappointed that my presence might deter the gays from trying to pick up on my boyfriend. I was kind of curious to see how that might go. Would they think he was gay? Would they be unsure, and try to cautiously encourage him to disclose that information? How would he respond?

On the topic of trying to figure out how Jay fit into the LGBT community that would be attending Pride, I asked him what he would be wearing

“A speedo,” he said with a straight face.

I knew that was a lie, mostly because it was too good to be true, and the world seems to enjoy disappointing me. Furthermore, Jay usually dresses pretty normally. He just doesn’t seem like the ‘wear a speedo to Pride’ type. And I feel like if he was planning to actually do that he would have warned me further in advance.

In reality, he was planning to wear shorts and a tank top, “But I’ll probably take my shirt off if it gets really hot.” (And I thought, great that means I’m gonna be carrying a shirt in my purse the whole fucking day. Why do guys do that? They always ask to put stuff in your purse. Like it doesn’t matter. It DOES matter. Every little thing adds to the weight.)

We arrived at Pride via BART, and even on the train ride I could see all my expectations were going to be fulfilled. So many people! So many colors! So many exposed butt cheeks! On second thought, there weren’t THAT many naked people. Supposedly there were far fewer than last year; this year’s crowd had more mild spectators since DOMA had just been struck down, making Pride a sort of tourist destination. In contrast, less publicized Prides attract only the most die hard fans. But still, ANY naked people is a lot by my standards. And when we got there, it was just… more. More people, more colors. The sheer number of people was amazing. This may have been the biggest crowd I’ve seen in my life.

The Crowd

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Episode 1: The Guy I Scared Away

I was having more fun than anybody else. There was so much to look at, and I had my camera; I could have been entertained for hours. At some point, I wandered away, distracted by things I wanted to take pictures of, and Jay was left alone and shirtless.

When I tried to find him again, I spotted him in the crowd and saw that he was chatting with a young (presumably) gay man. I had been gone only a few moments, yet this person had descended upon him like a sexy vulture.

I watched for a while, curious about what their interaction might be like. Jay was giving off “don’t hit on me vibes,” the same way I do when men come up to me while I’m trying to study at Starbucks. I couldn’t quite hear what they were talking about, but eventually the guy asked something like, “So did you come here with friends?” and Jay pointed to me, explaining that I was his girlfriend. The guy said, “Oh, oh, okay,” and quickly backed off.

I had been standing there, staring at them like an idiot with my mouth open, so I decided to come over and say hi. But before I got there, the guy had scampered away, presumably fearing I was about to grab him by the collar and scream something in his face, like “WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BOYFRIEND?” I wasn’t gonna do that; I was just going to try to keep observing their interaction. But he was long gone by the time I got there.

I was never quite sure whether the guy backed off so quickly because he thought Jay was straight, or because he thought Jay was taken. Like, would he have run away so quick if Jay had said he was there with a boyfriend? It seemed to me like he got out of there extra fast because he was afraid he had just been hitting on a straight dude who might be annoyed by it… But who knows.

I also wonder a lot about whether Jay gets annoyed when people presume he’s straight just because he’s with a girl. I haven’t asked him. Perhaps I shall…

Episode 2: The Guy I Couldn’t Shake

On the topic of people making assumptions about Jay’s orientation, the afternoon brought another interesting incident.

We met up with some friends of Jay’s from school, and they were all chatting when I noticed a stand selling corn dogs. Which I love. So I made everyone gather and hang out near me while I waited in line.

There was a group of about 4 people standing nearby, and one of them started approaching us. It was a guy who looked like he was probably in his mid 30’s. He came up to Jay and said, “We’ve been trying to figure out, are you gay or straight? She says straight, but I say gay, and we’ve been arguing over it.”

Jay said they were both wrong because he’s bisexual.

“Oh… you’re bi,” the man said. He pointed to a blonde woman (also looking to be in her mid 30’s). “She’s bi too. You should meet her. She’s great. She’s so fun.”

The woman waved at us.

I glared at her, feeling a little ticked off that she would think she was entitled to meet Jay solely on the grounds that she was also bisexual. I immediately sized her up; I was obviously younger, so points there. She was blonde, so that was a huge plus for her (sorry, blondes are awesome. What can I say?). Overall I decided she was definitely not as cute as me, with oldness playing a huge part in that; there are certainly cute 30 and 40 year olds, but this lady, with her fake hair color, was trying too hard to look like a college coed. So, big fucking deal that she was also bi.

As I was lost in my hate-daydream, Jay was saying that I was his girlfriend, so he did not think he should meet the bi lady.

The man turned to me. “Oh, you’re his girlfriend?”

I told him that I was.

By this point, the others in our group had turned back amongst themselves, a signal the conversation with this man was over. Unfortunately, the corn dog line was moving up, and I was getting pulled away from my gang, and the man was following me.

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“So you’re his girlfriend. So is he gay or straight?” The man asked.

I said, “I don’t know,” which was stupid because I did know.  What I meant was “I don’t know why you’re asking me again when he just told you he’s bi” or “I don’t know why you’re following me, when I’m just trying to mind my own business and get a corn dog” or “I don’t know why corndogs aren’t a more commonly served food…” (That one had nothing to do with the conversation; it’s just something I often wonder).

The man wouldn’t let up. “Well, what, you guys haven’t done it?”

“Yeah we have,” I said.

“Well? So, can he do it?”

“Yeah.”

“So he’s straight,” the guy said.

If I hadn’t been so focused on not losing my place in line, I would have corrected the man and explained what ‘bisexual’ meant. But ‘bi-activism’ was taking a back seat to ‘getting corndog’, so I ignored him as he shuffled off back to his friends and the old blonde bi lady. (She wasn’t that old. I’m just being a poor sport).

I’ve been wondering why that guy seemed to accept Jay was bi at first, but then followed me to question me about it. Is it some common, or hip thing for straight guys to purport to be bi? Was there some reason for this dude to doubt that he was standing before a real live bi guy?

I certainly have no idea, and if you do, please feel free to share.

Thanks for reading 🙂

Sydney S.

P.S. I was so happy when I saw my blog had ‘likes’ that I almost peed my pants.

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These are all my very own photos that I took while wandering away from Jay. Nothing spectacular, but I hope you like them.

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This One Time, I Found a Real Live Bi Guy & Started Caring About Bisexual Issues…

Hello All,

Today I’m going to give you the more detailed version of what this blog is and why I made it. Allow me to be serious for a moment.

A’hem.

We’re living in a day an age where lots of formerly disenfranchised people are getting the recognition and acceptance they deserve. Sure, ethnic minorities may face discrimination and women make 80 cents for every dollar a man makes; but I’m not particularly afraid of being burned on a stake like in the dark ages (I’m especially thankful for this one, because I just have this feeling like I’m the kind of person that would have totally been accused of being a witch… not sure why.) So yeah, there’s still racism, homophobia, sexism, etc. but face it, we’re living in a golden age.

All sorts of lifestyles are becoming mainstream and accepted, as misinformation and fear is replaced by reality. Back in the day, (some) people imagined the gay community as sexual deviants wandering around seedy parts of San Francisco, and lingering in bus station bathrooms. Nowadays we see them as friends from work and next door neighbors- you know, regular people. TV, Movies, and the internet, have helped as well by depicting all sorts of people and lifestyles as normal and acceptable.  And at the mercy of the almighty media, “mainstream” society had to calm the fuck down and stop letting the few bad apples and weirdoes shape its view of an entire group.

But somehow none of this awesome enlightened thinking seems to apply to bisexual people. (I guess I mean bisexual men; I don’t know anything about bisexual women and have no authority to discuss them.) It’s like there’s some kind of footnote that says “But not for bisexuals; go ahead and keep hating on them. Gays, you can even join in if you want to.” When was the last time a character on TV was bisexual, without it being some big fat, negative scandal? (Maybe like Marissa on the OC?? Even then people were saying she was a lesbian, and then it sort of turned out to be a phase… I dunno.) Young bisexual people don’t really have any good role models…especially males.

There’s such misinformation, lack of visibility, ignorance and phobia when it comes to bisexual men.

I didn’t appreciate that bi-phobia and bi-invisibility were issues until I started dating a bisexual guy (I probably assumed “bi phobia” was the fear of two things at once). Jay didn’t tell me about the ignorance and misunderstanding bisexual guys face; instead, I discovered it on my own while I was looking for other information about bisexuality.

When I started going out with Jay, I didn’t know much about bisexuality at all. I knew there were some people who liked men, some people who liked women, and some people who liked both. I figured he was just a person with the ability to like both, and left it at that.

But then I started thinking more about it. There might be some sort of bisexual culture I should learn about. What if there were like secret bisexual things I was now entitled/obligated to know? (One time I dated this Jewish guy, and I learned that there were all sorts of Jewish secrets…) What were these secret things? Who knows. But they might exist and I might want to know about them.

I also started having legitimate questions.  Was I supposed to tell my friends he was bisexual? I mean on the one hand, its not really any one else’s business. But if I don’t tell people, is that offensive? Does that mean I’m ashamed of him and trying to force him back in the closet? And also, am I allowed to make jokes about his sexuality? I mean he jokes about it, but maybe its one of those things where its only okay for some people (you know like saying the n word). I mean, I’m a complete idiot¾ how was I supposed to know any of this stuff?

I know some of you are thinking, “Well, you can just ask him how he feels about it…” BULL. SHIT. You know that no one asks the person they’re dating about anything. Think about it: Say you’re trying to decide what kind of bra to wear on a date (you know, so when he takes your clothes off, you look nice, but not so nice that he thinks you were planning for it to happen…) Do you call up the guy and say, “Well how do you feel about this…”? No! You call your best friend, or look at pictures of bras online, or read cosmo or something.

I needed a friend! I needed the internet! I needed cosmo! But none of these sources had particularly good advice on dating bisexual men. Let me clarify- there are some internet sources that offer helpful information on bisexuality in men, but many sources offer conflicting information. And none of them answer the important questions like “Does he notice my outfit more than a straight guy would?” and “Is it offensive to wonder that?” and “Can I ask him, or is that rude?”

Obviously, these answers will be different based on the individual, but… I dunno…. I just wanna contribute to the information pool with the things I’ve learned to far. I also want to ask questions! And hopefully bi guys, or bi girls, or straight girls dating bi guys, or anyone who has met a bi person will give me some answers! Anyone’s perspective will help shed more light on the mysterious topic of bisexuality in men.

And most importantly, I wanted to give young bi dudes one perspective on what their life could be like if they come out. There’s no shortage of info on how to keep it a secret, stay on the down low, and get a little dick on the side whenever you have a chance, while otherwise maintaining a ‘normal’ marriage to some poor unknowing woman (just look through the bi hookup sites). But I don’t think this is the way most bisexual guys act. I think there are plenty of normal bi dudes in normal relationships (with women or with gay/bi men) who aren’t sneaking around on the down low. But these guys don’t get a lot of attention because… well, I dunno. I guess because they don’t have to broadcast their information on the internet because they aren’t looking for one night stands…?

I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter. I just wanted to make the point that the regular non-scandalous relationships don’t get a lot of hype, but knowing that they exist could be really important for young bi guys thinking about coming out.

And now presenting:

Me, the beautiful, awesome Sydney;

Sharing my observations on dating a certain bisexual guy.

Sydney S.

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