Tag Archives: Gay Lesbian and Bisexual

If Gay Men Marry Your Girlfriends, Will Bi Guys Do It Too?

Jay told me about this video called “Gay Men Will Marry Your Girlfriends.” It’s this video where all these gay guys claim that if gay marriage isn’t allowed, they will respond by marrying straight guys’ girlfriends. If you haven’t seen it, you can check it out above. It’s pretty funny.

The gay guys go through all the reasons why they would make better husbands than straight men. For example, they dress better, they can cook fancy breakfasts, they like to go to art galleries, and so on…

The video got me thinking… since I’m dating a bi guy, I should be entitled to at least some of the perks of dating a gay guy- let’s just pick a number at random; I’d say about 50%, give or take. Seems fair, right? I brought this up to Jay, and pointed out that he doesn’t do any of the stuff that the gay guys in the video brag about. He countered, saying that in fact he does a lot of it. So I’ve taken it upon myself to go down the list and figure out if I would in fact be better off with a gay guy. Let’s  have a look:

1. Being ripped/working out all the time. The gay guys explain that all gay men are in great shape, even though it does not seem statistically possible, because gay men love going to the gym. In fairness, Jay is also ripped and loves going to the gym. The only thing he loves more than going to the gym is… going to the gym when that random tall brunette guy asks him for a spot. #lame. #orhot. #imnotsure.  So fine. One point for Jay.
Jay: 1/ Sydney & Gay Men: 0

"We will got the gym... and after get Pinkberry as a reward"

“We will got the gym… and after get Pinkberry as a reward”

2. Dressing better. Jay doesn’t dress badly, but he’s a far cry from fabulous. Even he admits this. He says that gay men judge him for it. As  they should.
Jay: 1/ Sydney & Gay Men: 1

"While you were busy spilling manwhich on your cargo shorts, we were inspecting our oxfords..."

“While you were busy spilling manwhich on your cargo shorts, we were inspecting our oxfords…”

3. Making quiche for breakfast. With a side of hummus. Made from scratch. Jay has never made me quiche. Pretty sure he doesn’t know how. I’m not really sure if he can cook or not, but I think he can’t. He pointed out that I don’t even like quiche, and I was impressed that he remembered that, but this contest is not about remembering things.
Jay: 1/ Sydney & Gay Men: 2

"Do you even know the difference between hummus and babaganoush?"

“Do you even know the difference between hummus and babaganoush?”

4. Wanting to go out dancing. Alright, so Jay loves dancing. This is actually a super easy date we can both agree on.
Jay: 2/ Sydney & Gay Men: 2

5. Wanting to see Broadway shows. Jay responded to this one saying, “Dude, I’ll go to theatre shows or whatever. I’m totally down for that shit.” Not expressed as articulately as the gay guys, but I guess he technically agreed, so one point for him.
Jay: 3/ Sydney & Gay Men: 2

6. Listening to girls for hours and reassuring them the other girl is the one being a bitch. Jay would probably do this if I wanted to tell him about my friend problems, but I don’t. Most of my friends are guys, and I can see for myself when they are being bitches, no reassurance needed. I think this one’s a draw.
Jay: 3/ Sydney & Gay Men: 2

7. Two guy three-way. We’ve never done this, but I feel like if we did, Jay would just complain the whole time. (That it was too crowded, or the air conditioning wasn’t on, or… whatever).
Jay: 3/ Sydney & Gay Men: 3

"And the kind of threesome she wants? Oh, we're cool with that."

“And the kind of threesome she wants? Oh, we’re cool with that.”

I didn’t plan this, but it actually worked out exactly 50/50 (or 3/3, I suppose). So that settles it. Ladies if you are looking for a step up from straight, but not ready to go full gay, might I suggest a bi guy? If you can find one that makes quiche, you’ve even got me beat.

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The Castro Part II

Don’t click on the video if you don’t want to hear loud Katy Perry music.

(I filmed it on my phone while inside a club in the Castro, just to capture the vibe)

The reason I broke this article into two parts is because I wanted to convey 2 separate messages. The first is that the Castro was fun, and if you haven’t been, you should go. However, this second part will address the fact that Jay and I didn’t really enjoy our visit, for various reasons that should not discourage anyone else from going.

As I explained, it was my idea to go to the Castro, and I thought Jay would like it. Unfortunately, he didn’t seem too enthused about it. The entire way there, he was in a bad mood. At first I thought he was just still mad about how I made him look at the sea lions for what he considered to be “too long.” I didn’t think he was upset about going to the Castro since he complains about how he worries girls will not accept the side of him that likes guys, and here I was being totally accepting.

But as the night progressed, he seemed… grumpy.

After we bought the jacket, Jay complained that he wanted to change out of his sweatshirt and wear his new jacket. He explained that some of the gay guys were judging him because he wasn’t dressed stylishly enough.

“… Bullshit.” I said.

“I’m serious. All these guys keep looking at me.”

“I thought you said they were hitting on you,” I teased. (He had complained a little about how he doesn’t like being leered at by older gay men).

“Some of them are.”

“I don’t see anybody looking at you,” I said. “Nobody gives a crap about you.”

We kept walking, and I started paying more attention to people who passed us. And to my surprise, I realized he was right; people were looking at him. And I was really confused about why. Some of them were probably trying to be flirtatious; I asked Jay how they could tell he was bi, and he said they probably couldn’t.

“I think they’d still be doing it if I was straight,” he said.

Other people were looking at him in a different way. Possibly some of them were judging him, but I really have no idea. A middle aged gay couple passed, holding hands. They were both wearing some pretty sexy coats, and one had an off-white scarf. So freaking stylish. They gave Jay a really quick ‘up, down, up’ kind of look. They seemed strangely curious. I thought maybe they were trying to figure out if he was gay or not… or maybe they were trying to figure out what a straight guy was doing in the Castro… That doesn’t make much sense though; it’s a tourist attraction, and I’m sure plenty of straight guys visit each year. Maybe they were judging his clothing. Who knows.

As Jay changed out of his sweatshirt, I couldn’t help but mumble, “Sure that sweatshirt was fine for me, but now you need a jacket to impress all these gay guys…”

Basically, Jay spent the whole night sulking. He sulked while I was buying a cookie, he sulked during sushi, he sulked while we were trying to decide what bar/club to go to. And then, when we actually went to the bar/club, things got really bad.

At first, I assumed that I would be the one not having fun at a gay club. For example, when we walked up to the door, they didn’t card Jay, they just waived him right in. But the guy literally held out his arm out to stop me and said he would need to see some I.D.

“It’s because he thought you looked young,” Jay said, sensing I was pretty ticked off.

“No,” I said. “It’s because I’m not hot enough to get in without being carded.”

“That’s not true.”

“Oh don’t give me that,” I said. “I’ve been clubbing. I know how it works. If you’re hot enough, they’ll let you in no matter what. Clearly, I didn’t make the cut.”

“Well whatever. He doesn’t think you’re hot because he’s gay. He’s only going to let in cute boys,” Jay said.  “This is what guys feel like all the time when they try to go out and have to wait in line and pay cover, and you girls just get to walk right in.”

Indeed, the night turned out to be a complete role reversal; Jay got all the attention, people bought him drinks, the bartenders made them extra strong- all the perks that girls usually get. And yet he still seemed grumpy and on edge.

Then I started to see why he wasn’t a fan of clubbing in the Castro.

A guy came up to us while we were lingering near the bar and started talking to Jay. Where’re you from? What do you do? Are you a student blah blah blah… Then he was giggling and touching Jay’s arm. Then he was asking what we had done in San Francisco so far, and Jay said, “I dunno, we’ve just been walking around the city. This is my girlfriend, by the way.”

“Oh,” the guy said. “So you’re straight?”

“No, I’m bi,” Jay explained.

The guy smirked. “So you’re on your way to gay then.”

“No, I’m bi.”

“Whatever.” The guy walked away.

“This is why I didn’t want to come here,” Jay said to me. “I knew this would happen. People have been judging me all evening, and I hate it.”

Isighed. I still don’t necessarily agree that people on the street were judging him; I think that part was all in his head. Even so, it would explain why he was so tense all night. To make things worse, he was right about the club; people here were definitely judging him. And it got worse as the night went on and everyone got drunker.

Some people would roll their eyes when he said he had a girlfriend, or turn and give me a look of pity, like “you poor thing, can’t you tell your boyfriend is gay?” Other people were just plain mean, saying things like “You don’t belong here,” or “Why don’t you come back when you actually come out.” A couple people said things like “Pretty sure you’re in the wrong club,” which maybe means they thought he was straight; so its not an offensive thing to say, but it’s unfriendly at the least.

A few people were friendly and totally chill about it. We met these guys from… Holland I think, who were really nice. We also talked to this ridiculously hot black guy who had witnessed one of the offensive comments, and agreed that making a bi guy feel unwelcome at a gay club was just uncalled for.

The thing that baffled me the most is that some people said these kinds of things without having any way to possibly know he was bi. I didn’t get how they could tell. Or maybe they couldn’t tell?? Maybe they just didn’t want straight guys there, or maybe they though he was gay and tragically trying to pass me off as a girlfriend… I really don’t understand what they thought our relationship was, or why they were automatically hostile to him. I’m still baffled. I used to go to gay clubs with a gay guy friend, and people seemed to know that he was gay and I was his best girl friend, and everyone was nice to us. I mean lots of gay guys party with girls, so why didn’t people just assume that about me and Jay? Anyway… I have no idea.

So as it turned out, Jay was miserable for a lot of the night, and I on the other hand had a pretty good time once I got past being I.D’ed at the door. The music was good, the guys were hot, and no creepers bothered me, so overall it was pretty fun except for the fact that Jay was getting hated on.

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The Castro, San Francisco Pt. I

Jay has been up in Northern California for a few weeks, studying for an entrance exam. This has been fun because I’ve gotten to come up and visit him on weekends, and see San Francisco and Berkeley. I’ve been to both these places before, but it’s not like there’s a shortage of things to do there; there are so many unique things to experience in both these places!

First day, we went to Berkeley and walked around the campus. I saw a huge spider on an emergency phone; the campus was nice and all, but the spider was really the most memorable part of the day. The next day we went to San Francisco to check out Pier 39. If you haven’t seen it, you should because there are like a million sea lions. I swear. They all crawl up on the docks and just lay there in the sun like the fat lazy creatures they are. They also make a bunch of noise. And in case I haven’t convinced you, Pier 39 also has churros and corn dogs at these snack stands that appear every ten meters. Whatever municipal planner designed this place was a freakin genius. The biggest problem with most locations is insufficient availability of corn dogs, and Pier 39 has solved this problem artfully.

seals

So many fat sea lions laying around on these platforms…

Aside from eat corndogs and watch sea lions, there was one thing I’ve always wanted to do in San Francisco; I’ve always wanted to go to the Castro. And now that I have a bi boyfriend, what better time to go?

The Castro

The Castro is San Francisco’s gay district, and a lot of history has happened there. Basically, it’s a culturally relevant place for many members of the LGBT community. They’ve got a museum of LGBT history, restaurants and clothing stores manned by super hot gay guys (and womanned by adorable lesbians, but I didn’t see as many of them…), LGBT-friendly bars and lounges, sex toy shops, and of course some boring stuff like a Bank of America.

Castro Guide Book, full of  fun stuff that can only be found in the Castro

Castro Guide Book, full of fun stuff that can only be found in the Castro

Example of the clever ads, showcasing the Castro's Gay Friendly attractions

Example of the clever ads, showcasing the Castro’s Gay Friendly attractions

Info page on GLBT History Museum. I wanted to go but it was 10 minutes to closing when we got there, and Jay didn't want to be "those people"

Info page on GLBT History Museum. I wanted to go but it was 10 minutes to closing when we got there, and Jay didn’t want to be “those people”

I wanted to go there with Jay because… I guess I wanted to know more about his gay side (he uses the term ‘gay side’; hope I’m not offending anyone.) He went to the Castro back when he was dating a guy, and he said it was fun, so I was determined to show him he would have fun there with me too. Just because I’m not a gay guy doesn’t mean I can’t go to the Castro; lots of straight people go to the Castro because it’s a tourist destination.

Aside from wanting to measure up to his past flames, I also wanted to go to the Castro to show him that I’m totally accepting of the side of him that’s attracted to men. I’m not sure if he knows this; he might think that I tolerate that side of him, or am willing to ignore it. But I wanted him to know he doesn’t have to sweep it under the rug or put it in his past just because he’s with me. In other words, walking past salon’s that offer “Boyzilian Waxes”, or looking at fliers and posters for events featuring burly nude men in bondage gear doesn’t freak me out.

I was skimming through the pages of my little guidebook, and I asked Jay if he had ever gotten a 'Boyzilian Wax'. He said, "What? No. What are you talking about?"

I was skimming through the pages of my little guidebook, and I asked Jay if he had ever gotten a ‘Boyzilian Wax’. He said, “What? No. What are you talking about?”

And lastly, aside from all those serious goals, I kind of just thought he would have fun. He could look at some cute bartenders, have some drinks, shop, have a nice dinner, – what about that could be not fun??

In some ways it was fun. It was like being in an entire city where everyone was gay- like if Disneyland had Frontier Land, Tomorrow Land, and Gay Land, this would be Gay Land. And let me tell you, Gay Land is a lot better than the rest of this crappy world.

Jay shopped for a new jacket, and it was interesting watching him interact with the sales attendants. Obviously I’ve met gay sales attendants other places, but it always seems like they are under some unspoken contract to keep the flirtation to a minimum. These guys on the other hand were a little more on the flirty side- as well they should be. I feel  any man who comes to the Castro has consented to some amount of harmless flirtation. Watching Jay was interesting though, because it was clear he was used to being hit on by men. He didn’t act all fidgety about it like some of my straight guy friends do.

I was trying to show Jay this cute preppy blazer, when one of the sales guys came up and said, “Isn’t that one great?”

“See?” I said to Jay. “He likes it too.”

But Jay made a face and said, “I don’t like Blazers,” He turned to the sales guy and said, “She only likes it because she has school boy fantasies.”

I was about to punch Jay in the shoulder, but the sales attendant said, “Oh, don’t worry, I have those all the time.” So instead I laughed and stuck my tongue out at Jay.

Overall, as a tourist destination, the Castro was interesting and fun and I highly recommend it.

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Full Version of Conversation w/ Reader

Some of you may remember when an angry reader invited me to call him on the phone, so he could condemn my relationship with a bi guy. I posted a video summarizing our conversation. Unfortunately, he accused me of altering and misrepresenting our conversation, to make myself seem more favorable, and insisted I post the ‘real’ version, showing what really happened

I apologize if my summary was inaccurate. I shortened the conversation, and only showed key points, but I don’t think I was misleading. Out of fairness to this person, this is the original version; you can decide for yourselves if I was fair or not.

I want to once again express my love and support for the gay community. I know that it is very difficult for men to come out as gay, and I wish that no gay man would ever feel pressured to act straight or hide his true identity. I also understand that a gay man who has managed to embrace his own sexual orientation might resent a guy who is not strong enough to do that and ‘pretends’ to be attracted to women. But I have to insist that there are bisexual men who are genuinely attracted to women as well as men, and it is very hard for them to hear that just because you were never really bi, that they must be the same as you. That’s as hurtful as when straight men claim that being gay is a choice- just because they are attracted to women, that means that you are just ‘choosing’ to be gay? Of course not.

Every needs to understand that just because someone’s sexuality is different from their own, it doesn’t mean that any sexuality is less legitimate.

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Problematic Information About Bisexual Men on the Internet: The Study

Over the next several posts, I’m going to discuss reasons bisexual men are misunderstood, and how theses reasons freaked me out as I discovered them. There is a lot of information about male bisexuality out there that is misleading, confusing, or only applicable to a small population of outliers in the bisexual male community. I can see how this problematic information makes women scared of bi guys, and I’m glad that, in my ignorance, I didn’t know about these stereotypes and misconceptions at first.

When I first met Jay, I didn’t ‘notice’ his bisexuality. I knew about it, but it wasn’t something I was constantly aware of. He seemed like most of the other guys I’d dated (only cuter, funnier, more clever; I liked to think that I always upgrade, so in my opinion Jay is better than all the others). It was kind of hard to understand that he was bisexual, or what that really meant.

Don’t get me wrong- it’s not that I didn’t believe him. I generally don’t question people’s claims about their sexuality. But… how shall I put this? I believed he was bisexual in the way that I believe Antarctica exists: Obviously it’s true… but I’ve never seen it, and it sounds pretty crazy… and it kinda seems impossible… and yet its true, its really down there, snowing up a storm, covered in ice, unlike anything I’ve ever seen in real life.  In short, it was very foreign to me, hard to picture, yet somehow still real.

The topic of his sexuality didn’t really come up in our conversation. He didn’t ‘do’ anything bisexual (whatever that might be…), so it’s not like it was a big issue after our first few dates. (There was this moment when we were chatting and he said getting turned down for a date doesn’t bother him because there are still 6 billion other people in the world. This is a somewhat common saying that I’ve heard many people mis-state; there are actually only 3 billion because only half of them are the correct gender. I almost corrected him, but then I remembered that in his case, I guess it really was the full 6 billion. Then I thought about the fact that so few men are gay, so technically… at that point he was talking about something else so I let it go). Despite the fact that his sexuality wasn’t a huge topic of discussion, somehow just knowing that about him sort of made me curious.

So one evening, sitting on my bed, I turned to the internet, and typed in ‘bisexual men’. I don’t recommend this, unless you’re looking for dirty videos. If you are looking for dirty videos, then I do recommend it, and suggest adding “MMF” to your search.  I, however, was looking for information on dating bisexual men, and whether it was any different from dating straight men.  Changing my search to ‘bisexuality in males’ and ‘dating bisexual guys information’ was a little more successful.

Websites offered information about bisexuality, lists of common misconceptions, advice on coming out, complaints about ‘bisexual erasure’, etc. But there wasn’t much first hand advice from women dating bi guys, or bi guys dating women. I wanted to hear from a young, hip, sexy chick who had been in my position, and was gonna tell me “Don’t worry, my beautiful little Sydney, it’s all gonna be okay.” But these ladies were few and far between, (even when I was willing to compromise on the personalized shout-out).

What I did find was disheartening. For one thing, the existence of male bisexuality was seriously doubted as recently as 2005, when a study from a reputable research university found no evidence that men could truly be attracted to both genders.  LUCKILY, I very quickly found a more recent study showing that men can indeed be attracted to both genders; the second one also noted flaws in the research methods of the previous study that may have made the results misleading.

I’m ashamed to say that if, in 2005 (as a young and impressionable teenager, never having met a bisexual person) I had read the first study, I would probably have very readily accepted that men calling themselves bisexual were full of shit. I mean it was SCIENCE.  And I suspect that many people did just that. But its 2013, and in 2013, bisexual men do exist, so spread the word.

Stay tuned; the next post in this series will discuss problems with assuming bisexuality is equivalent to non-monogamy. And please feel free to comment on anything I’ve written, ask any questions, argue with me, etc.

Sydney S.

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This One Time, I Found a Real Live Bi Guy & Started Caring About Bisexual Issues…

Hello All,

Today I’m going to give you the more detailed version of what this blog is and why I made it. Allow me to be serious for a moment.

A’hem.

We’re living in a day an age where lots of formerly disenfranchised people are getting the recognition and acceptance they deserve. Sure, ethnic minorities may face discrimination and women make 80 cents for every dollar a man makes; but I’m not particularly afraid of being burned on a stake like in the dark ages (I’m especially thankful for this one, because I just have this feeling like I’m the kind of person that would have totally been accused of being a witch… not sure why.) So yeah, there’s still racism, homophobia, sexism, etc. but face it, we’re living in a golden age.

All sorts of lifestyles are becoming mainstream and accepted, as misinformation and fear is replaced by reality. Back in the day, (some) people imagined the gay community as sexual deviants wandering around seedy parts of San Francisco, and lingering in bus station bathrooms. Nowadays we see them as friends from work and next door neighbors- you know, regular people. TV, Movies, and the internet, have helped as well by depicting all sorts of people and lifestyles as normal and acceptable.  And at the mercy of the almighty media, “mainstream” society had to calm the fuck down and stop letting the few bad apples and weirdoes shape its view of an entire group.

But somehow none of this awesome enlightened thinking seems to apply to bisexual people. (I guess I mean bisexual men; I don’t know anything about bisexual women and have no authority to discuss them.) It’s like there’s some kind of footnote that says “But not for bisexuals; go ahead and keep hating on them. Gays, you can even join in if you want to.” When was the last time a character on TV was bisexual, without it being some big fat, negative scandal? (Maybe like Marissa on the OC?? Even then people were saying she was a lesbian, and then it sort of turned out to be a phase… I dunno.) Young bisexual people don’t really have any good role models…especially males.

There’s such misinformation, lack of visibility, ignorance and phobia when it comes to bisexual men.

I didn’t appreciate that bi-phobia and bi-invisibility were issues until I started dating a bisexual guy (I probably assumed “bi phobia” was the fear of two things at once). Jay didn’t tell me about the ignorance and misunderstanding bisexual guys face; instead, I discovered it on my own while I was looking for other information about bisexuality.

When I started going out with Jay, I didn’t know much about bisexuality at all. I knew there were some people who liked men, some people who liked women, and some people who liked both. I figured he was just a person with the ability to like both, and left it at that.

But then I started thinking more about it. There might be some sort of bisexual culture I should learn about. What if there were like secret bisexual things I was now entitled/obligated to know? (One time I dated this Jewish guy, and I learned that there were all sorts of Jewish secrets…) What were these secret things? Who knows. But they might exist and I might want to know about them.

I also started having legitimate questions.  Was I supposed to tell my friends he was bisexual? I mean on the one hand, its not really any one else’s business. But if I don’t tell people, is that offensive? Does that mean I’m ashamed of him and trying to force him back in the closet? And also, am I allowed to make jokes about his sexuality? I mean he jokes about it, but maybe its one of those things where its only okay for some people (you know like saying the n word). I mean, I’m a complete idiot¾ how was I supposed to know any of this stuff?

I know some of you are thinking, “Well, you can just ask him how he feels about it…” BULL. SHIT. You know that no one asks the person they’re dating about anything. Think about it: Say you’re trying to decide what kind of bra to wear on a date (you know, so when he takes your clothes off, you look nice, but not so nice that he thinks you were planning for it to happen…) Do you call up the guy and say, “Well how do you feel about this…”? No! You call your best friend, or look at pictures of bras online, or read cosmo or something.

I needed a friend! I needed the internet! I needed cosmo! But none of these sources had particularly good advice on dating bisexual men. Let me clarify- there are some internet sources that offer helpful information on bisexuality in men, but many sources offer conflicting information. And none of them answer the important questions like “Does he notice my outfit more than a straight guy would?” and “Is it offensive to wonder that?” and “Can I ask him, or is that rude?”

Obviously, these answers will be different based on the individual, but… I dunno…. I just wanna contribute to the information pool with the things I’ve learned to far. I also want to ask questions! And hopefully bi guys, or bi girls, or straight girls dating bi guys, or anyone who has met a bi person will give me some answers! Anyone’s perspective will help shed more light on the mysterious topic of bisexuality in men.

And most importantly, I wanted to give young bi dudes one perspective on what their life could be like if they come out. There’s no shortage of info on how to keep it a secret, stay on the down low, and get a little dick on the side whenever you have a chance, while otherwise maintaining a ‘normal’ marriage to some poor unknowing woman (just look through the bi hookup sites). But I don’t think this is the way most bisexual guys act. I think there are plenty of normal bi dudes in normal relationships (with women or with gay/bi men) who aren’t sneaking around on the down low. But these guys don’t get a lot of attention because… well, I dunno. I guess because they don’t have to broadcast their information on the internet because they aren’t looking for one night stands…?

I don’t know. It doesn’t really matter. I just wanted to make the point that the regular non-scandalous relationships don’t get a lot of hype, but knowing that they exist could be really important for young bi guys thinking about coming out.

And now presenting:

Me, the beautiful, awesome Sydney;

Sharing my observations on dating a certain bisexual guy.

Sydney S.

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