Straight People Problems

rainbow cupcakes

Problem 1: These cupcakes were not made for you

It’s no secret that the LGBT community faces a lot of issues: discrimination, misunderstanding… deciding whose going to top. It got me thinking: what kind of problems do straight people have? Sure the world can be easier for straight people, but there must be downsides to being straight as well.

So I tried to come up with some. These are not all problems that I have personally faced. And these are not problems that are exclusively faced by straight people. But I think if you took this list around to a bunch of straight people, they would say, “Hey, yeah…that is a true!” I mean, lets face it, being LGTB looks pretty damn fun sometimes, and sometimes we straight people are left out in the metaphorical cold.

  • Boring parties. Freshman year of college I was friends with all the gay dudes in my year. I went to every party they threw, and I will tell you, it got CRAZY. They had the best music, and the best dancing. They had leather parties, they had rainbow parties, they had parties where everyone was in camouflage printed underpants, and I wasn’t even sure why. Straight people parties are fine I guess… if you like 80s night over and over again. And it doesn’t end in college. When I was in San Francisco, I saw these posters for some event with burly dudes wearing no shirts (I think it was some ‘bears’ thing). That’s what gay adult men in San Francisco get invited to. Shirtless burly men events. #fun. #awesome. Meanwhile I’m getting invited to a charity auction where the main activity is a trivia contest about the companies that donated to the fundraiser. #thisisnotajoke
  • Not realizing that you don’t have to have a baby. Take my parents for example. They probably should not have had kids (they were in no way prepared for how terrible I’d be). But since they were married and had a nice house, kids was just the next step on the straight people path. On the other hand, I think the idea of not having kids has at least occurred to most non-straight people.
  • Not knowing what “queer” means. Seriously. Corner a straight person and ask them to define it. Fifty bucks says they get it at least a little bit wrong.
  • Not being able to get a tattoo. I swear, this is a thing. A really good gay friend of mine got a tattoo. We were both in the same program at school, and both trying to enter relatively conservative fields. But he pointed out that since he was openly gay, he had already ruled out working for/with extremely conservative people. Therefore the tattoo wasn’t going to do any more damage. I, on the other hand, had to maintain a more uptight persona in the hopes of keeping all my career options open. Blessing and curse, I guess.
  • Always knowing who’s going to ‘top’. Spoiler alert, it’s the guy. #Boring. Well, I guess it doesn’t HAVE to be the guy but…We straight people usually don’t get the fun of picking which role we want. And it’s just not fair. That seems like so much fun…
  • Not being able to pronounce the word ‘dachshund’. This has nothing to do with being straight, I just happen to know that some straight people can’t pronounce this word. Me, for example.
  • Straight Guilt. Think back on all those times in 6th grade when you said, “That’s so gay!” Yeah. You’re an asshole.
  • Wondering if maybe you’re not straight, but then having that voice in your head say, “Yeah, nice fuckin try”. Lets face it, most straight people have been at least a teeny tiny bit attracted to someone of the same sex, even if its only, “Oh, she looks really nice in that sweater.” But if that’s all it took to claw your way out of the straight box, then there would be no straight people. And this is when that voice in your head says, “And clearly there are straight people. And you’re one of them. Nice fuckin try.”
  • Harder to have sex in a public restroom… probably. I have never attempted this, nor do I want to. But it seems like a same sex couple would have an easier time at least getting into the same restroom.
  • Having to go to separate locations for candy and condoms. At my school they have this LGBTQ community center and I swear that place rocks. It’s so nice, it makes you feel all warm and fuzzy. They have couches to lounge on, pamphlets magazines about LGBTQ issues to read, and postcards advertising upcoming events and parties. On the coffee table, they have this giant bowl of condoms right next to this giant bowl of candy. And it’s the good kind of candy, like snickers and mini crunch bars- the expensive stuff. For straight people, condoms are located at the health center, so you can be reminded of how shitty you are for not getting your flu shot yet. And candy is located at the vending machines. Enjoy not having enough quarters.
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2 Comments

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2 responses to “Straight People Problems

  1. That was funny. Even though I am a bi-man, I exist in the Straight world, always have. So, I can relate to some of the items you pointed out. Except I grew up in the 80’s and 90’s so I remember some of that stuff. It’s a shame there aren’t as many people like you as there should be.

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