Tag Archives: Bisexual

If Gay Men Marry Your Girlfriends, Will Bi Guys Do It Too?

Jay told me about this video called “Gay Men Will Marry Your Girlfriends.” It’s this video where all these gay guys claim that if gay marriage isn’t allowed, they will respond by marrying straight guys’ girlfriends. If you haven’t seen it, you can check it out above. It’s pretty funny.

The gay guys go through all the reasons why they would make better husbands than straight men. For example, they dress better, they can cook fancy breakfasts, they like to go to art galleries, and so on…

The video got me thinking… since I’m dating a bi guy, I should be entitled to at least some of the perks of dating a gay guy- let’s just pick a number at random; I’d say about 50%, give or take. Seems fair, right? I brought this up to Jay, and pointed out that he doesn’t do any of the stuff that the gay guys in the video brag about. He countered, saying that in fact he does a lot of it. So I’ve taken it upon myself to go down the list and figure out if I would in fact be better off with a gay guy. Let’s  have a look:

1. Being ripped/working out all the time. The gay guys explain that all gay men are in great shape, even though it does not seem statistically possible, because gay men love going to the gym. In fairness, Jay is also ripped and loves going to the gym. The only thing he loves more than going to the gym is… going to the gym when that random tall brunette guy asks him for a spot. #lame. #orhot. #imnotsure.  So fine. One point for Jay.
Jay: 1/ Sydney & Gay Men: 0

"We will got the gym... and after get Pinkberry as a reward"

“We will got the gym… and after get Pinkberry as a reward”

2. Dressing better. Jay doesn’t dress badly, but he’s a far cry from fabulous. Even he admits this. He says that gay men judge him for it. As  they should.
Jay: 1/ Sydney & Gay Men: 1

"While you were busy spilling manwhich on your cargo shorts, we were inspecting our oxfords..."

“While you were busy spilling manwhich on your cargo shorts, we were inspecting our oxfords…”

3. Making quiche for breakfast. With a side of hummus. Made from scratch. Jay has never made me quiche. Pretty sure he doesn’t know how. I’m not really sure if he can cook or not, but I think he can’t. He pointed out that I don’t even like quiche, and I was impressed that he remembered that, but this contest is not about remembering things.
Jay: 1/ Sydney & Gay Men: 2

"Do you even know the difference between hummus and babaganoush?"

“Do you even know the difference between hummus and babaganoush?”

4. Wanting to go out dancing. Alright, so Jay loves dancing. This is actually a super easy date we can both agree on.
Jay: 2/ Sydney & Gay Men: 2

5. Wanting to see Broadway shows. Jay responded to this one saying, “Dude, I’ll go to theatre shows or whatever. I’m totally down for that shit.” Not expressed as articulately as the gay guys, but I guess he technically agreed, so one point for him.
Jay: 3/ Sydney & Gay Men: 2

6. Listening to girls for hours and reassuring them the other girl is the one being a bitch. Jay would probably do this if I wanted to tell him about my friend problems, but I don’t. Most of my friends are guys, and I can see for myself when they are being bitches, no reassurance needed. I think this one’s a draw.
Jay: 3/ Sydney & Gay Men: 2

7. Two guy three-way. We’ve never done this, but I feel like if we did, Jay would just complain the whole time. (That it was too crowded, or the air conditioning wasn’t on, or… whatever).
Jay: 3/ Sydney & Gay Men: 3

"And the kind of threesome she wants? Oh, we're cool with that."

“And the kind of threesome she wants? Oh, we’re cool with that.”

I didn’t plan this, but it actually worked out exactly 50/50 (or 3/3, I suppose). So that settles it. Ladies if you are looking for a step up from straight, but not ready to go full gay, might I suggest a bi guy? If you can find one that makes quiche, you’ve even got me beat.

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Straight People Problems

rainbow cupcakes

Problem 1: These cupcakes were not made for you

It’s no secret that the LGBT community faces a lot of issues: discrimination, misunderstanding… deciding whose going to top. It got me thinking: what kind of problems do straight people have? Sure the world can be easier for straight people, but there must be downsides to being straight as well.

So I tried to come up with some. These are not all problems that I have personally faced. And these are not problems that are exclusively faced by straight people. But I think if you took this list around to a bunch of straight people, they would say, “Hey, yeah…that is a true!” I mean, lets face it, being LGTB looks pretty damn fun sometimes, and sometimes we straight people are left out in the metaphorical cold.

  • Boring parties. Freshman year of college I was friends with all the gay dudes in my year. I went to every party they threw, and I will tell you, it got CRAZY. They had the best music, and the best dancing. They had leather parties, they had rainbow parties, they had parties where everyone was in camouflage printed underpants, and I wasn’t even sure why. Straight people parties are fine I guess… if you like 80s night over and over again. And it doesn’t end in college. When I was in San Francisco, I saw these posters for some event with burly dudes wearing no shirts (I think it was some ‘bears’ thing). That’s what gay adult men in San Francisco get invited to. Shirtless burly men events. #fun. #awesome. Meanwhile I’m getting invited to a charity auction where the main activity is a trivia contest about the companies that donated to the fundraiser. #thisisnotajoke
  • Not realizing that you don’t have to have a baby. Take my parents for example. They probably should not have had kids (they were in no way prepared for how terrible I’d be). But since they were married and had a nice house, kids was just the next step on the straight people path. On the other hand, I think the idea of not having kids has at least occurred to most non-straight people.
  • Not knowing what “queer” means. Seriously. Corner a straight person and ask them to define it. Fifty bucks says they get it at least a little bit wrong.
  • Not being able to get a tattoo. I swear, this is a thing. A really good gay friend of mine got a tattoo. We were both in the same program at school, and both trying to enter relatively conservative fields. But he pointed out that since he was openly gay, he had already ruled out working for/with extremely conservative people. Therefore the tattoo wasn’t going to do any more damage. I, on the other hand, had to maintain a more uptight persona in the hopes of keeping all my career options open. Blessing and curse, I guess.
  • Always knowing who’s going to ‘top’. Spoiler alert, it’s the guy. #Boring. Well, I guess it doesn’t HAVE to be the guy but…We straight people usually don’t get the fun of picking which role we want. And it’s just not fair. That seems like so much fun…
  • Not being able to pronounce the word ‘dachshund’. This has nothing to do with being straight, I just happen to know that some straight people can’t pronounce this word. Me, for example.
  • Straight Guilt. Think back on all those times in 6th grade when you said, “That’s so gay!” Yeah. You’re an asshole.
  • Wondering if maybe you’re not straight, but then having that voice in your head say, “Yeah, nice fuckin try”. Lets face it, most straight people have been at least a teeny tiny bit attracted to someone of the same sex, even if its only, “Oh, she looks really nice in that sweater.” But if that’s all it took to claw your way out of the straight box, then there would be no straight people. And this is when that voice in your head says, “And clearly there are straight people. And you’re one of them. Nice fuckin try.”
  • Harder to have sex in a public restroom… probably. I have never attempted this, nor do I want to. But it seems like a same sex couple would have an easier time at least getting into the same restroom.
  • Having to go to separate locations for candy and condoms. At my school they have this LGBTQ community center and I swear that place rocks. It’s so nice, it makes you feel all warm and fuzzy. They have couches to lounge on, pamphlets magazines about LGBTQ issues to read, and postcards advertising upcoming events and parties. On the coffee table, they have this giant bowl of condoms right next to this giant bowl of candy. And it’s the good kind of candy, like snickers and mini crunch bars- the expensive stuff. For straight people, condoms are located at the health center, so you can be reminded of how shitty you are for not getting your flu shot yet. And candy is located at the vending machines. Enjoy not having enough quarters.

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Straight Bro Drama at Chinese Hot Pot

In case you're wondering, that's Miss Lotus Blossom and Max (in his hobo sweatshirt) in the background.

In case you’re wondering, that’s Miss Lotus Blossom and Max (in his hobo sweatshirt) in the background.

As I’ve mentioned I have a lot of guy friends. First of all there is Max, who I’ve written about a couple times- and who now knows about this blog, so I can never say anything bad about him on it again… Hi Max. Sorry I called you a womanizer.

Who am I kidding. Max isn’t reading this. He doesn’t like to hear about my life when I’m telling him in person; there’s no way he’s reading about here.

Then there’s Stephen. Stephen is a good guy. You know how you know someone who’s really chill, and when someone else asks you about them, you say, “Oh yeah, he’s a good guy”? That’s what everyone says about Stephen. He’s just one of those people who’s nice, and funny, and a natural leader.

So Max and Stephen and I were hanging out and chatting, and we decided we should go to dinner. It was between Brazilian BBQ or Chinese hot pot, and I wanted hot pot, and I had a tantrum about it, so I got my way. (If you’ve never had Chinese hot pot… you should. It’s so good. I’ve literally tried to befriend random Chinese people in the hopes that they will go with me to hot pot).

I invited Jay, and Max invited his girlfriend, who will be referred to as Miss Lotus Blossom (because she’s beautiful and modeled in Asia before moving here… and also because I’ve called her this before, and I know Max hates it). We also invited another guy friend, Ray, so that Stephen wouldn’t feel like a 5th wheel. Miss Lotus Blossom and I were technically diluting the bro-iness of the group, but between Max, Stephen, and Ray, I felt like it was going to be a pretty bro-y evening.

Stephen and I got there first, and fought to get the last two seats in the waiting area, since this, and pretty much every other hot pot place wont seat you until your whole damn party has arrived. They make you stand in line like it’s the fuckin XS Night Club of Asian food and you’re not on the list bitch… What am I talking about? Oh yeah, so Jay arrived next, and this is when the straight bro drama started. You may never have noticed, but guys say stuff that is mildly homophobic like… all the time. I don’t think they mean anything bad by it, and honestly I never noticed it before. Since I started dating Jay, however, I’ve been more aware of all the mildly homophobic things straight guys say without evening meaning to.

So Jay came in, and Stephen and I were sitting in the chairs, and I said to Jay, “I’d offer you my chair, but… I don’t want to.”

Stephen laughed, then said, “I’d offer you my chair, but a dude offering his chair to another dude seems kinda gay.”

Stephen laughed, and Jay laughed too. But for a second, I got super paranoid. I was worried Jay might be offended, or at least uncomfortable. I was also worried Stephen might keep going and say something worse; he doesn’t know Jay is bi, and, truthfully he has said some slightly offensive things about gay people in the past. I know, crucify me, I shouldn’t be friends with someone like that… But we all have our flaws, and Stephen’s is that he’s oblivious to the fact that some things he says might be offensive. It’s not like he’s going around looking for queers to beat up; he just makes offensive jokes sometimes when he thinks no gay people are around.

Stephen’s comment wasn’t that big of a deal. Jay didn’t seem to notice it, and I was the only one glancing around like a paranoid spaz, wondering if things were about to get awkward.

Max, Ray, and Miss Lotus Blossom arrived, and we all sat down. We ate our hot pot, and we talked about other restaurants we should try. I showed Jay the proper way to cook his vegetables. I got really mad when he started eating pieces of beef I had put in the pot. Miss Lotus Blossom told me that I was being too greedy and that in that most Asian cultures, everything that goes into the pot is considered communal. I told her to fuck off. (Just kidding. I have to be polite to her, otherwise she might use her beautiful voodoo to convince Max not to be friends with me).

As much as I was enjoying hoarding all the beef and watching Max get upset when Miss Lotus Blossom told him he was too white to use chopsticks properly, I couldn’t shake the paranoia that had set in earlier. With all the guys together, I spent the whole night worrying that someone might say something like “No-homo” or “that’s so gay”. I thought back to other times we had all hung out and tried to remember how often anti-gay comments were made. It was hard to tell because I had never bothered to keep track of those comments before.

There was another questionable incident when the check came; Max and Ray started Fake Gay-ing Out. Fake Gay-ing Out is that thing when two straight guys pretend to act gay because they think its funny. When I explain what they did, you’ll understand.

So the check came, and Max said he would be paying Ray’s share. Stephen asked why, and Max started to say Ray left his wallet somewhere, but then Ray interrupted and looked at Max and said, “It’s because I had a really nice time tonight,” in a fake sexy voice. Then they burst out laughing. Ray continued, laughing the whole time, “Didn’t you know this was a date? I always go on dates with Max.”

Again, everyone was laughing, and Stephen said, “Uh oh, does [Miss Lotus Blossom] know about this?” (Obviously he called her by her actual name.)

Miss Lotus Blossom rolled her eyes and said, “Of course. They are practically lovers.” She was referring to the fact that Max and Ray have an intense bromance.

The hilarity continued and people shouted comments like “It’s not cheating if its one of your bros!”

“But she’s cool with it, right?” Ray joked.

“Whatever,” Miss Lotus Blossom said.

Stephen was still laughing, and said, “How far can they go before you would be mad? Could they make out?”

“They almost do,” she said, shaking her head. “All their high five-ing and wrestling when they see each other.”

The worst part was, I was afraid someone might turn the conversation on me, and say something like “How about you, would you be mad if Jay made out with one of his bros?” And then I would freeze up and get all awkward, knowing that Max and Jay and I appreciate the significance of that question, but everyone else thinks its silliness. And then everyone would be wondering why we got all quiet, and they would suspect something was up… Luckily, I was just being paranoid, and none of that happened. They just laughed it off and paid the check.

I am not sure if any of this made Jay uncomfortable. Maybe he didn’t care, and maybe its weird that I think he would care. It made me a little uncomfortable because the whole time I was thinking, “I have wondered in seriousness how mad I would be if my boyfriend made out with another guy…” But to them, it was so absurd, that it was just joke. (The answer, if anyone is wondering is that I would be pretty ticked off if Jay made out with another guy and tried to hide it from me, but the anger would be more about the lying and hiding, not so much about the making out.)

For what its worth, Max didn’t contribute to the Fake Gaying Out. He’s the only one who knows about Jay, and that might be why. Or he may have just been in a prime beef and house noodles food coma.

Later, I asked Jay if Stuff like Stephen’s comment about the chairs makes him feel weird, and he said it does but only for like 30 seconds and then he forgets about it. I forgot to ask him about the Fake Gaying Out, but I probably should… What do you guys think? Offensive or not?

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Sometimes I Forget My Boyfriend is Bi…

Every now and then, something funny happens where I just… forget that Jay is bi. And it seems (for me at least) that forgetting someone is bi is funnier than forgetting other things about a person. You might forget that someone grew up outside the US,  or that someone is vegetarian, but those moments are comically neutral. When you forget someone is bi, however, the process of remembering it is funny because it just makes you think about all these other things.

Jay is taking an LSAT prep class because he intends to apply to law school. He was telling me about how his first day at the prep class went. Overall he said it went well; he scored really high on the first diagnostic (yay for him), and was making new friends with the other students. He also mentioned that the class was almost all girls. I responded with something like, “Well, lucky you.” I wasn’t jealous or anything; I was just mildly annoyed, the way most girls are when they hear their boyfriends will be surrounded by girls all day.

Then I thought about it… The fact that the class is all girls really has no significance. I mean, he’s bi, so the class could be all boys and that might be equally entertaining for him. Or it could be half boys and half girls, and that’s just as good too.

I was annoyed when he said it was all girls, but that was only because I forgot he was bi. I mean technically, it should be just as annoying if he had said “I’m taking an LSAT class and it’s part boys and part girls,” which means technically he could have said, “I’m taking an LSAT class and its 100% people.” And when you really think about it, all he needed to say was “I’m taking an LSAT class.” The fact that its with other people could be inferred.  After all, I assume he’s not sitting in class with animals, sentient plants, and aliens (that would be like the best LSAT class ever though, right???)

Anyway, what was I talking about?

Oh yeah, so basically, I forgot Jay was bi for a second, and I ended up laughing about the fact that a straight guy saying he’s taking a class with all girls is really the same as a bi guy saying he’s taking a class with other people. (and YES I know that bisexual people aren’t attracted to EVERYONE, but come on straight guys aren’t attracted to ALL girls either).

Yeah, there’s no point to this post, I just thought it was funny.

Sydney S.

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So What’s With My Cover Photo?

We interrupt this rant to bring you a brief message on some unrelated nonsense. Regularly scheduled ranting will return in a moment.

I’m going to take a break from my posts about how male bisexuality is misunderstood, to talk about why my cover photo is the Los Angeles skyline, when my blog is about bi dudes.

I could have chosen a more relevant image, but truthfully, I was afraid of accidentally being offensive. I had some neat rainbow flag pictures from my trip to the San Francisco Pride Parade, but is that flag the exclusive property of the gay community? If the rainbow symbol doesn’t apply to the bisexual community, I could have outraged that group, and had angry mobs of bisexual guys banging down my door. (#Hot).  I could have used a picture of like two guys and a girl kissing, but again I suspect that may be offensive in some way.

You may all be wondering why I didn’t just ask Jay what kind of picture would be appropriate. Or why I didn’t use a picture of us, since this blog is about us dating. Those of you who are smart may be wondering whether he even knows about this blog.

The answer to that is “Technically yes,” but I’ll go into this later.

The point is, the cover photo thing was becoming too complicated. I was tired of looking at that bookshelf thing, which came automatically with the page, so I didn’t really care what I changed it to. I have a lot of pics I took of L.A. since I live here, and I figured, whatever, that’s good enough. There are bi guys in L.A., right?

Sydney S.

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Problematic Information About Bisexual Men on the Internet: Bisexuality & Non-Monogamy

While I was writing the title of this post, I realized I may have made up the word “non-monogamy”. But you know what I mean.

When last I left off, I was lamenting how the existence of male bisexuality was questioned as recently as 2005. Think about it: How upsetting was that for guys thinking they might be bi in 2005? They must have been really confused, being told it wasn’t possible. If research was claiming bi men didn’t exist, what did those guys think they were? I like to imagine they knew deep down that the research was wrong, but that is pretty bold. 

After my disappointment with the later disproved 2005 study, I was still thirsty for knowledge about bi dudes, so I continued on my quest. I found that even reputable sites often provided information that was misleading, politically incorrect, or at least confusing. For example, one site suggested that if your boyfriend comes out to you as bisexual, he may want to renegotiate the relationship and ask to see other men. I mean, TECHNICALLY this is true; he MAY do any number of things. But a straight guy may ask to see other women. I don’t understand why everyone seems to equate bisexuality with non-monogamy. Bisexuals don’t have a divine right to open relationships any more than straight people do- Unless, I’m wrong?? (And if I am wrong, I invite bisexuals to please correct me.)

The worst part was, the site said that if your bisexual boyfriend does ask to see other people, don’t say no right away. Srsly? Dude, if you would say no right away to him seeing other chicks, say no right away to him seeing other guys!  Bisexuality does not equal infidelity/non-monogamy/open relationships- UNLESS I’m wrong! Maybe I’m wrong… and that would just suck for all you monogamous bisexuals, because people seeking monogamous relationships will mistakenly avoid you.

I feel like the agreed upon standard should be: Generally bisexual people seek monogamous relationships, just like gay and straight people generally do. And SOME bisexuals seek open relationships, just like SOME gay and straight people do. And if this is not the case, maybe we need a new word for people who are bisexual and monogamous, just to avoid confusion with those who are bisexual and need to be involved with both genders at the SAME TIME.

I guess I just figured straight guys don’t usually expect to date two girls at once, so a bisexual guy wouldn’t seek to date two people at once either. When you commit to one person, you forgo other traits, be it blonde hair if you pick a brunette, height if you pick a short person, and penis if you pick a woman. I don’t see how bisexuality changes any of these rules.

Yet had I ever researched the topic before, I would have come away with different, confused ideas about what bisexuality meant. I would probably have gotten the impression that it was standard (or at least common) for bisexual people to sleep with one person of each gender at the same time. And I’m grateful I never did research the topic, because I probably would not have started dating Jay if I assumed his orientation meant he would require two people at once. But he’s not like that at all, and I’m glad I got to know him first. He’s actually a huge fan of monogamy- more so than I am. (I’m one of those people who’s afraid of making things ‘exclusive’ or ‘too serious.’ But Jay, on the other hand, was fairly eager to be boyfriend & girlfriend. )

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Problematic Information About Bisexual Men on the Internet: The Study

Over the next several posts, I’m going to discuss reasons bisexual men are misunderstood, and how theses reasons freaked me out as I discovered them. There is a lot of information about male bisexuality out there that is misleading, confusing, or only applicable to a small population of outliers in the bisexual male community. I can see how this problematic information makes women scared of bi guys, and I’m glad that, in my ignorance, I didn’t know about these stereotypes and misconceptions at first.

When I first met Jay, I didn’t ‘notice’ his bisexuality. I knew about it, but it wasn’t something I was constantly aware of. He seemed like most of the other guys I’d dated (only cuter, funnier, more clever; I liked to think that I always upgrade, so in my opinion Jay is better than all the others). It was kind of hard to understand that he was bisexual, or what that really meant.

Don’t get me wrong- it’s not that I didn’t believe him. I generally don’t question people’s claims about their sexuality. But… how shall I put this? I believed he was bisexual in the way that I believe Antarctica exists: Obviously it’s true… but I’ve never seen it, and it sounds pretty crazy… and it kinda seems impossible… and yet its true, its really down there, snowing up a storm, covered in ice, unlike anything I’ve ever seen in real life.  In short, it was very foreign to me, hard to picture, yet somehow still real.

The topic of his sexuality didn’t really come up in our conversation. He didn’t ‘do’ anything bisexual (whatever that might be…), so it’s not like it was a big issue after our first few dates. (There was this moment when we were chatting and he said getting turned down for a date doesn’t bother him because there are still 6 billion other people in the world. This is a somewhat common saying that I’ve heard many people mis-state; there are actually only 3 billion because only half of them are the correct gender. I almost corrected him, but then I remembered that in his case, I guess it really was the full 6 billion. Then I thought about the fact that so few men are gay, so technically… at that point he was talking about something else so I let it go). Despite the fact that his sexuality wasn’t a huge topic of discussion, somehow just knowing that about him sort of made me curious.

So one evening, sitting on my bed, I turned to the internet, and typed in ‘bisexual men’. I don’t recommend this, unless you’re looking for dirty videos. If you are looking for dirty videos, then I do recommend it, and suggest adding “MMF” to your search.  I, however, was looking for information on dating bisexual men, and whether it was any different from dating straight men.  Changing my search to ‘bisexuality in males’ and ‘dating bisexual guys information’ was a little more successful.

Websites offered information about bisexuality, lists of common misconceptions, advice on coming out, complaints about ‘bisexual erasure’, etc. But there wasn’t much first hand advice from women dating bi guys, or bi guys dating women. I wanted to hear from a young, hip, sexy chick who had been in my position, and was gonna tell me “Don’t worry, my beautiful little Sydney, it’s all gonna be okay.” But these ladies were few and far between, (even when I was willing to compromise on the personalized shout-out).

What I did find was disheartening. For one thing, the existence of male bisexuality was seriously doubted as recently as 2005, when a study from a reputable research university found no evidence that men could truly be attracted to both genders.  LUCKILY, I very quickly found a more recent study showing that men can indeed be attracted to both genders; the second one also noted flaws in the research methods of the previous study that may have made the results misleading.

I’m ashamed to say that if, in 2005 (as a young and impressionable teenager, never having met a bisexual person) I had read the first study, I would probably have very readily accepted that men calling themselves bisexual were full of shit. I mean it was SCIENCE.  And I suspect that many people did just that. But its 2013, and in 2013, bisexual men do exist, so spread the word.

Stay tuned; the next post in this series will discuss problems with assuming bisexuality is equivalent to non-monogamy. And please feel free to comment on anything I’ve written, ask any questions, argue with me, etc.

Sydney S.

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