As I’ve mentioned I have a lot of guy friends. First of all there is Max, who I’ve written about a couple times- and who now knows about this blog, so I can never say anything bad about him on it again… Hi Max. Sorry I called you a womanizer.
Who am I kidding. Max isn’t reading this. He doesn’t like to hear about my life when I’m telling him in person; there’s no way he’s reading about here.
Then there’s Stephen. Stephen is a good guy. You know how you know someone who’s really chill, and when someone else asks you about them, you say, “Oh yeah, he’s a good guy”? That’s what everyone says about Stephen. He’s just one of those people who’s nice, and funny, and a natural leader.
So Max and Stephen and I were hanging out and chatting, and we decided we should go to dinner. It was between Brazilian BBQ or Chinese hot pot, and I wanted hot pot, and I had a tantrum about it, so I got my way. (If you’ve never had Chinese hot pot… you should. It’s so good. I’ve literally tried to befriend random Chinese people in the hopes that they will go with me to hot pot).
I invited Jay, and Max invited his girlfriend, who will be referred to as Miss Lotus Blossom (because she’s beautiful and modeled in Asia before moving here… and also because I’ve called her this before, and I know Max hates it). We also invited another guy friend, Ray, so that Stephen wouldn’t feel like a 5th wheel. Miss Lotus Blossom and I were technically diluting the bro-iness of the group, but between Max, Stephen, and Ray, I felt like it was going to be a pretty bro-y evening.
Stephen and I got there first, and fought to get the last two seats in the waiting area, since this, and pretty much every other hot pot place wont seat you until your whole damn party has arrived. They make you stand in line like it’s the fuckin XS Night Club of Asian food and you’re not on the list bitch… What am I talking about? Oh yeah, so Jay arrived next, and this is when the straight bro drama started. You may never have noticed, but guys say stuff that is mildly homophobic like… all the time. I don’t think they mean anything bad by it, and honestly I never noticed it before. Since I started dating Jay, however, I’ve been more aware of all the mildly homophobic things straight guys say without evening meaning to.
So Jay came in, and Stephen and I were sitting in the chairs, and I said to Jay, “I’d offer you my chair, but… I don’t want to.”
Stephen laughed, then said, “I’d offer you my chair, but a dude offering his chair to another dude seems kinda gay.”
Stephen laughed, and Jay laughed too. But for a second, I got super paranoid. I was worried Jay might be offended, or at least uncomfortable. I was also worried Stephen might keep going and say something worse; he doesn’t know Jay is bi, and, truthfully he has said some slightly offensive things about gay people in the past. I know, crucify me, I shouldn’t be friends with someone like that… But we all have our flaws, and Stephen’s is that he’s oblivious to the fact that some things he says might be offensive. It’s not like he’s going around looking for queers to beat up; he just makes offensive jokes sometimes when he thinks no gay people are around.
Stephen’s comment wasn’t that big of a deal. Jay didn’t seem to notice it, and I was the only one glancing around like a paranoid spaz, wondering if things were about to get awkward.
Max, Ray, and Miss Lotus Blossom arrived, and we all sat down. We ate our hot pot, and we talked about other restaurants we should try. I showed Jay the proper way to cook his vegetables. I got really mad when he started eating pieces of beef I had put in the pot. Miss Lotus Blossom told me that I was being too greedy and that in that most Asian cultures, everything that goes into the pot is considered communal. I told her to fuck off. (Just kidding. I have to be polite to her, otherwise she might use her beautiful voodoo to convince Max not to be friends with me).
As much as I was enjoying hoarding all the beef and watching Max get upset when Miss Lotus Blossom told him he was too white to use chopsticks properly, I couldn’t shake the paranoia that had set in earlier. With all the guys together, I spent the whole night worrying that someone might say something like “No-homo” or “that’s so gay”. I thought back to other times we had all hung out and tried to remember how often anti-gay comments were made. It was hard to tell because I had never bothered to keep track of those comments before.
There was another questionable incident when the check came; Max and Ray started Fake Gay-ing Out. Fake Gay-ing Out is that thing when two straight guys pretend to act gay because they think its funny. When I explain what they did, you’ll understand.
So the check came, and Max said he would be paying Ray’s share. Stephen asked why, and Max started to say Ray left his wallet somewhere, but then Ray interrupted and looked at Max and said, “It’s because I had a really nice time tonight,” in a fake sexy voice. Then they burst out laughing. Ray continued, laughing the whole time, “Didn’t you know this was a date? I always go on dates with Max.”
Again, everyone was laughing, and Stephen said, “Uh oh, does [Miss Lotus Blossom] know about this?” (Obviously he called her by her actual name.)
Miss Lotus Blossom rolled her eyes and said, “Of course. They are practically lovers.” She was referring to the fact that Max and Ray have an intense bromance.
The hilarity continued and people shouted comments like “It’s not cheating if its one of your bros!”
“But she’s cool with it, right?” Ray joked.
“Whatever,” Miss Lotus Blossom said.
Stephen was still laughing, and said, “How far can they go before you would be mad? Could they make out?”
“They almost do,” she said, shaking her head. “All their high five-ing and wrestling when they see each other.”
The worst part was, I was afraid someone might turn the conversation on me, and say something like “How about you, would you be mad if Jay made out with one of his bros?” And then I would freeze up and get all awkward, knowing that Max and Jay and I appreciate the significance of that question, but everyone else thinks its silliness. And then everyone would be wondering why we got all quiet, and they would suspect something was up… Luckily, I was just being paranoid, and none of that happened. They just laughed it off and paid the check.
I am not sure if any of this made Jay uncomfortable. Maybe he didn’t care, and maybe its weird that I think he would care. It made me a little uncomfortable because the whole time I was thinking, “I have wondered in seriousness how mad I would be if my boyfriend made out with another guy…” But to them, it was so absurd, that it was just joke. (The answer, if anyone is wondering is that I would be pretty ticked off if Jay made out with another guy and tried to hide it from me, but the anger would be more about the lying and hiding, not so much about the making out.)
For what its worth, Max didn’t contribute to the Fake Gaying Out. He’s the only one who knows about Jay, and that might be why. Or he may have just been in a prime beef and house noodles food coma.
Later, I asked Jay if Stuff like Stephen’s comment about the chairs makes him feel weird, and he said it does but only for like 30 seconds and then he forgets about it. I forgot to ask him about the Fake Gaying Out, but I probably should… What do you guys think? Offensive or not?