Tag Archives: Monogamy

Why Do People on the Internet Hate on Bi Guys?

Continuing my long-winded rant on how bisexual men face discrimination and misunderstanding, I’d like to address the next problem I have with the way the internet portrays bi guys.

Curious about what having a bi boyfriend would mean, I continued searching the web for information. After “The Study” and the monogamy issue, the next thing I found was unofficial opinions of women (and some gay men) about why they would not date a bisexual guy. Women on message boards said things like “Gross”, “Ew”, and “Nasty.” Some said they needed a ‘real’ man, and any guy who’s given a BJ or taken it up the butt just isn’t man enough anymore. And to these women I say… Fair enough. If something just grosses you out, you can’t help that, and its fine. You’re not obligated to be attracted to anyone, and if the thought that a guy had fooled around with other men means you cant get turned on by him, that’s fair.

PLEASE do not jump on me and tear me apart. It might sound mean to say these women have the right to be grossed out, but I’m sorry they do. Women who are turned off by the thought of man on man action can’t control what turns them on any more than a bi person can control the fact that both genders turn them on. Some people are turned off by BDSM, some people are turned off by lovey-dovey romance, and some people are turned off by the thought of two dudes getting it on (I don’t understand these people, but whatev). 

Beyond the turn-off factor, some women were afraid of the fidelity issues. They thought even if their guy tried to stay faithful, the he would eventually crave dick, and that was just too much of a risk. This is stupid in my opinion. Not to sound insensitive, but if you marry a straight guy, you’re probably still going to get cheated on. Sorry y’all. And I guess if what you’re afraid of is your husband fooling around with another guy as opposed to a woman, than yeah a bisexual dude probably isn’t for you.

I think many bisexual guys can and do stay faithful. I dunno. What do you guys think? Jay hasn’t cheated on me so far… at least I assume he hasn’t. He’s not here with me right now, so for all I know he could have another guys dick down his throat… but I just feel like he doesn’t. I’ve been cheated on by 2 straight guys so far, and not one of them was able to hide it very well. Truthfully, if Jay cheats on me (with a guy or a girl), it won’t be the end of the world, just like it wasn’t the end of the world when those straight guys cheated on me. (It was the end of THEIR world, but that’s another story…) Fear of being cheated on wouldn’t stop me from dating a bi guy any more than a straight guy.

A couple women said it was “hard enough” competing against other women, now they have to “compete against guys too? No Thanks.”

Seriously? Do you realized how few gay guys there are? The number of people you have to “compete” against increases only marginally if you throw gay guys in as well. There are literally like nooo gay guys, and a MILLION girls. Your bi guy is statistically way more likely to cheat with a girl, when you think about it. 

OR, he may not cheat at all! Many people do cheat at some point, regardless of orientation, but there are some people who never cheat, and I certainly think a bi guy could be one of those people.

The best way to deal with fears about fidelity would be if everyone were open and honest about these issues. Girls should be honest with themselves about the fact that they aren’t really protected from being cheated on just because they are with a straight guy. And bi guys, you should be honest about what you want; some of you don’t want to commit to only one gender You should also remember that your desire not to be monogamous isn’t entirely a result of your sexuality. After all, many gay and straight people also desire open relationships. But be truthful about it! Yes, some girls will dump you on the spot. Sorry. But eventually you may be able to find someone who really gets you. Some girls are into man on man action; wouldn’t it be cool to find a girl who will let you mess around with guys if you, I dunno, let her watch or something? Or maybe you could find other bi guys and have some awesome three ways. Imagine being understood and accepted! Imagine not having to sneak around and clear your internet history, and not having to worry about being caught with another guy. If you want to sleep with men and women, be truthful about it! I don’t understand why anyone would try to hide that, and commit themselves to a life of stress, misery, and never being fulfilling with what they really want. Just tell the truth!

This would give bi guys who do want to be monogamous the chance to be truthful about that, and be believed. Some bi guys are totally able to commit to one person, and give up the other gender. They see it like giving up tallness if you marry a short person. And it’s so terrible that so many women assume a bisexual man will want or need to sleep with men too, even though that’s just not true. Ladies, lots of bi men are great boyfriend and husband material and want to commit totally to you and be the faithful man you always dreamed about. Give them a chance! 

Since we’re on this topic, I would love to hear from women and gay guys on whether they would consider dating a bi guy. Please feel free to respond with your answers!

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Problematic Information About Bisexual Men on the Internet: Bisexuality & Non-Monogamy

While I was writing the title of this post, I realized I may have made up the word “non-monogamy”. But you know what I mean.

When last I left off, I was lamenting how the existence of male bisexuality was questioned as recently as 2005. Think about it: How upsetting was that for guys thinking they might be bi in 2005? They must have been really confused, being told it wasn’t possible. If research was claiming bi men didn’t exist, what did those guys think they were? I like to imagine they knew deep down that the research was wrong, but that is pretty bold. 

After my disappointment with the later disproved 2005 study, I was still thirsty for knowledge about bi dudes, so I continued on my quest. I found that even reputable sites often provided information that was misleading, politically incorrect, or at least confusing. For example, one site suggested that if your boyfriend comes out to you as bisexual, he may want to renegotiate the relationship and ask to see other men. I mean, TECHNICALLY this is true; he MAY do any number of things. But a straight guy may ask to see other women. I don’t understand why everyone seems to equate bisexuality with non-monogamy. Bisexuals don’t have a divine right to open relationships any more than straight people do- Unless, I’m wrong?? (And if I am wrong, I invite bisexuals to please correct me.)

The worst part was, the site said that if your bisexual boyfriend does ask to see other people, don’t say no right away. Srsly? Dude, if you would say no right away to him seeing other chicks, say no right away to him seeing other guys!  Bisexuality does not equal infidelity/non-monogamy/open relationships- UNLESS I’m wrong! Maybe I’m wrong… and that would just suck for all you monogamous bisexuals, because people seeking monogamous relationships will mistakenly avoid you.

I feel like the agreed upon standard should be: Generally bisexual people seek monogamous relationships, just like gay and straight people generally do. And SOME bisexuals seek open relationships, just like SOME gay and straight people do. And if this is not the case, maybe we need a new word for people who are bisexual and monogamous, just to avoid confusion with those who are bisexual and need to be involved with both genders at the SAME TIME.

I guess I just figured straight guys don’t usually expect to date two girls at once, so a bisexual guy wouldn’t seek to date two people at once either. When you commit to one person, you forgo other traits, be it blonde hair if you pick a brunette, height if you pick a short person, and penis if you pick a woman. I don’t see how bisexuality changes any of these rules.

Yet had I ever researched the topic before, I would have come away with different, confused ideas about what bisexuality meant. I would probably have gotten the impression that it was standard (or at least common) for bisexual people to sleep with one person of each gender at the same time. And I’m grateful I never did research the topic, because I probably would not have started dating Jay if I assumed his orientation meant he would require two people at once. But he’s not like that at all, and I’m glad I got to know him first. He’s actually a huge fan of monogamy- more so than I am. (I’m one of those people who’s afraid of making things ‘exclusive’ or ‘too serious.’ But Jay, on the other hand, was fairly eager to be boyfriend & girlfriend. )

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