Straight People Problems

rainbow cupcakes

Problem 1: These cupcakes were not made for you

It’s no secret that the LGBT community faces a lot of issues: discrimination, misunderstanding… deciding whose going to top. It got me thinking: what kind of problems do straight people have? Sure the world can be easier for straight people, but there must be downsides to being straight as well.

So I tried to come up with some. These are not all problems that I have personally faced. And these are not problems that are exclusively faced by straight people. But I think if you took this list around to a bunch of straight people, they would say, “Hey, yeah…that is a true!” I mean, lets face it, being LGTB looks pretty damn fun sometimes, and sometimes we straight people are left out in the metaphorical cold.

  • Boring parties. Freshman year of college I was friends with all the gay dudes in my year. I went to every party they threw, and I will tell you, it got CRAZY. They had the best music, and the best dancing. They had leather parties, they had rainbow parties, they had parties where everyone was in camouflage printed underpants, and I wasn’t even sure why. Straight people parties are fine I guess… if you like 80s night over and over again. And it doesn’t end in college. When I was in San Francisco, I saw these posters for some event with burly dudes wearing no shirts (I think it was some ‘bears’ thing). That’s what gay adult men in San Francisco get invited to. Shirtless burly men events. #fun. #awesome. Meanwhile I’m getting invited to a charity auction where the main activity is a trivia contest about the companies that donated to the fundraiser. #thisisnotajoke
  • Not realizing that you don’t have to have a baby. Take my parents for example. They probably should not have had kids (they were in no way prepared for how terrible I’d be). But since they were married and had a nice house, kids was just the next step on the straight people path. On the other hand, I think the idea of not having kids has at least occurred to most non-straight people.
  • Not knowing what “queer” means. Seriously. Corner a straight person and ask them to define it. Fifty bucks says they get it at least a little bit wrong.
  • Not being able to get a tattoo. I swear, this is a thing. A really good gay friend of mine got a tattoo. We were both in the same program at school, and both trying to enter relatively conservative fields. But he pointed out that since he was openly gay, he had already ruled out working for/with extremely conservative people. Therefore the tattoo wasn’t going to do any more damage. I, on the other hand, had to maintain a more uptight persona in the hopes of keeping all my career options open. Blessing and curse, I guess.
  • Always knowing who’s going to ‘top’. Spoiler alert, it’s the guy. #Boring. Well, I guess it doesn’t HAVE to be the guy but…We straight people usually don’t get the fun of picking which role we want. And it’s just not fair. That seems like so much fun…
  • Not being able to pronounce the word ‘dachshund’. This has nothing to do with being straight, I just happen to know that some straight people can’t pronounce this word. Me, for example.
  • Straight Guilt. Think back on all those times in 6th grade when you said, “That’s so gay!” Yeah. You’re an asshole.
  • Wondering if maybe you’re not straight, but then having that voice in your head say, “Yeah, nice fuckin try”. Lets face it, most straight people have been at least a teeny tiny bit attracted to someone of the same sex, even if its only, “Oh, she looks really nice in that sweater.” But if that’s all it took to claw your way out of the straight box, then there would be no straight people. And this is when that voice in your head says, “And clearly there are straight people. And you’re one of them. Nice fuckin try.”
  • Harder to have sex in a public restroom… probably. I have never attempted this, nor do I want to. But it seems like a same sex couple would have an easier time at least getting into the same restroom.
  • Having to go to separate locations for candy and condoms. At my school they have this LGBTQ community center and I swear that place rocks. It’s so nice, it makes you feel all warm and fuzzy. They have couches to lounge on, pamphlets magazines about LGBTQ issues to read, and postcards advertising upcoming events and parties. On the coffee table, they have this giant bowl of condoms right next to this giant bowl of candy. And it’s the good kind of candy, like snickers and mini crunch bars- the expensive stuff. For straight people, condoms are located at the health center, so you can be reminded of how shitty you are for not getting your flu shot yet. And candy is located at the vending machines. Enjoy not having enough quarters.
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Straight Bro Drama at Chinese Hot Pot

In case you're wondering, that's Miss Lotus Blossom and Max (in his hobo sweatshirt) in the background.

In case you’re wondering, that’s Miss Lotus Blossom and Max (in his hobo sweatshirt) in the background.

As I’ve mentioned I have a lot of guy friends. First of all there is Max, who I’ve written about a couple times- and who now knows about this blog, so I can never say anything bad about him on it again… Hi Max. Sorry I called you a womanizer.

Who am I kidding. Max isn’t reading this. He doesn’t like to hear about my life when I’m telling him in person; there’s no way he’s reading about here.

Then there’s Stephen. Stephen is a good guy. You know how you know someone who’s really chill, and when someone else asks you about them, you say, “Oh yeah, he’s a good guy”? That’s what everyone says about Stephen. He’s just one of those people who’s nice, and funny, and a natural leader.

So Max and Stephen and I were hanging out and chatting, and we decided we should go to dinner. It was between Brazilian BBQ or Chinese hot pot, and I wanted hot pot, and I had a tantrum about it, so I got my way. (If you’ve never had Chinese hot pot… you should. It’s so good. I’ve literally tried to befriend random Chinese people in the hopes that they will go with me to hot pot).

I invited Jay, and Max invited his girlfriend, who will be referred to as Miss Lotus Blossom (because she’s beautiful and modeled in Asia before moving here… and also because I’ve called her this before, and I know Max hates it). We also invited another guy friend, Ray, so that Stephen wouldn’t feel like a 5th wheel. Miss Lotus Blossom and I were technically diluting the bro-iness of the group, but between Max, Stephen, and Ray, I felt like it was going to be a pretty bro-y evening.

Stephen and I got there first, and fought to get the last two seats in the waiting area, since this, and pretty much every other hot pot place wont seat you until your whole damn party has arrived. They make you stand in line like it’s the fuckin XS Night Club of Asian food and you’re not on the list bitch… What am I talking about? Oh yeah, so Jay arrived next, and this is when the straight bro drama started. You may never have noticed, but guys say stuff that is mildly homophobic like… all the time. I don’t think they mean anything bad by it, and honestly I never noticed it before. Since I started dating Jay, however, I’ve been more aware of all the mildly homophobic things straight guys say without evening meaning to.

So Jay came in, and Stephen and I were sitting in the chairs, and I said to Jay, “I’d offer you my chair, but… I don’t want to.”

Stephen laughed, then said, “I’d offer you my chair, but a dude offering his chair to another dude seems kinda gay.”

Stephen laughed, and Jay laughed too. But for a second, I got super paranoid. I was worried Jay might be offended, or at least uncomfortable. I was also worried Stephen might keep going and say something worse; he doesn’t know Jay is bi, and, truthfully he has said some slightly offensive things about gay people in the past. I know, crucify me, I shouldn’t be friends with someone like that… But we all have our flaws, and Stephen’s is that he’s oblivious to the fact that some things he says might be offensive. It’s not like he’s going around looking for queers to beat up; he just makes offensive jokes sometimes when he thinks no gay people are around.

Stephen’s comment wasn’t that big of a deal. Jay didn’t seem to notice it, and I was the only one glancing around like a paranoid spaz, wondering if things were about to get awkward.

Max, Ray, and Miss Lotus Blossom arrived, and we all sat down. We ate our hot pot, and we talked about other restaurants we should try. I showed Jay the proper way to cook his vegetables. I got really mad when he started eating pieces of beef I had put in the pot. Miss Lotus Blossom told me that I was being too greedy and that in that most Asian cultures, everything that goes into the pot is considered communal. I told her to fuck off. (Just kidding. I have to be polite to her, otherwise she might use her beautiful voodoo to convince Max not to be friends with me).

As much as I was enjoying hoarding all the beef and watching Max get upset when Miss Lotus Blossom told him he was too white to use chopsticks properly, I couldn’t shake the paranoia that had set in earlier. With all the guys together, I spent the whole night worrying that someone might say something like “No-homo” or “that’s so gay”. I thought back to other times we had all hung out and tried to remember how often anti-gay comments were made. It was hard to tell because I had never bothered to keep track of those comments before.

There was another questionable incident when the check came; Max and Ray started Fake Gay-ing Out. Fake Gay-ing Out is that thing when two straight guys pretend to act gay because they think its funny. When I explain what they did, you’ll understand.

So the check came, and Max said he would be paying Ray’s share. Stephen asked why, and Max started to say Ray left his wallet somewhere, but then Ray interrupted and looked at Max and said, “It’s because I had a really nice time tonight,” in a fake sexy voice. Then they burst out laughing. Ray continued, laughing the whole time, “Didn’t you know this was a date? I always go on dates with Max.”

Again, everyone was laughing, and Stephen said, “Uh oh, does [Miss Lotus Blossom] know about this?” (Obviously he called her by her actual name.)

Miss Lotus Blossom rolled her eyes and said, “Of course. They are practically lovers.” She was referring to the fact that Max and Ray have an intense bromance.

The hilarity continued and people shouted comments like “It’s not cheating if its one of your bros!”

“But she’s cool with it, right?” Ray joked.

“Whatever,” Miss Lotus Blossom said.

Stephen was still laughing, and said, “How far can they go before you would be mad? Could they make out?”

“They almost do,” she said, shaking her head. “All their high five-ing and wrestling when they see each other.”

The worst part was, I was afraid someone might turn the conversation on me, and say something like “How about you, would you be mad if Jay made out with one of his bros?” And then I would freeze up and get all awkward, knowing that Max and Jay and I appreciate the significance of that question, but everyone else thinks its silliness. And then everyone would be wondering why we got all quiet, and they would suspect something was up… Luckily, I was just being paranoid, and none of that happened. They just laughed it off and paid the check.

I am not sure if any of this made Jay uncomfortable. Maybe he didn’t care, and maybe its weird that I think he would care. It made me a little uncomfortable because the whole time I was thinking, “I have wondered in seriousness how mad I would be if my boyfriend made out with another guy…” But to them, it was so absurd, that it was just joke. (The answer, if anyone is wondering is that I would be pretty ticked off if Jay made out with another guy and tried to hide it from me, but the anger would be more about the lying and hiding, not so much about the making out.)

For what its worth, Max didn’t contribute to the Fake Gaying Out. He’s the only one who knows about Jay, and that might be why. Or he may have just been in a prime beef and house noodles food coma.

Later, I asked Jay if Stuff like Stephen’s comment about the chairs makes him feel weird, and he said it does but only for like 30 seconds and then he forgets about it. I forgot to ask him about the Fake Gaying Out, but I probably should… What do you guys think? Offensive or not?

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Reader Emails

So I have these rules where I don’t let myself do recreational stuff until other responsibilities are taken care of. That is the reason this blog was on a brief hiatus last month. I was also ignoring all my blog related emails, planning to get to them later when I started posting again. However, I have decided this was a mistake. First of all, the number of emails I’ve gotten from readers has gone up a lot, and I feel really ungrateful if I put off answering them. Also, when I finally went through them, I realized there were things I really wish I had responded to right away.

So form now on I have a new rule. I’m going to answer emails more promptly. I can’t believe how supportive you have all been, and the least I can do is stay on top of emails.

I love you all. Please keep writing to me. You might think I don’t care what you have to say, but that’s not true at all. My own life is boring and I love hearing about what other people are doing, thinking, whatev.

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Awkward Holiday Parties

First of all I want to apologize for not posting anything in a while; truthfully, I’ve just been busy. But I will not abandon this blog, and I assure you I thought about it constantly even when I was too busy to update. Second of all, thank you for your support. I got a lot of comments and follows over the past few weeks, and I just wanted to say that it means a lot, and I am glad people can relate to this blog.

The holidays were a big part of why I was too busy to write, and even though they have been over for a couple weeks now, I still want to tell you about them. For one thing, they are important, and for another, interesting things happened. Interesting bi things.

To start the season off, Hanukkah happened, and since Jay’s step-dad is Jewish, they had a Hanukkah party, to which I was invited. I knew it would be polite to bring something, and after my brother and I raided my parents’ wine collection and realized we had no idea which wines were good, I decided a box of chocolates would be a better option.

I went to See’s Candy, and picked out an assorted box. I asked if they could gift wrap it, and it was only as I was leaving that I realized the wrapping paper was red and green and said “Merry Christmas.” I worried it might be annoying to show up to a Hanukkah party with a gift that so blatantly insisted upon the wider popularity of Christmas, so I asked if they could rewrap it in Hanukkah paper. I watched as the cashier peeled off the wrapping paper, and rewrapped it in plain white paper. Then, she reached below the counter and pulled out a single, large star of david sticker, and stuck it right on top of the box. It wasn’t gift wrap, so much as it was a label. “For Jews.” She slapped it on the way I picture things get stamped “USDA Approved” or “Contaminated” or “Contains Nuts.”

I showed the box to my brother, and he managed to peel the sticker off and place it over the tape on the back of the box, so at least it looked like it served a purpose other than announcing, “These chocolates are for Jews.” Crisis averted.

That part of the story has nothing to do with bisexuality, but it was funny so I wanted to tell it anyway.

Jay’s sexuality came up after I had arrived at the party and handed his parents the Jew Chocolates. He was showing me some decorations in the foyer, and he started telling me how last year, he was here with Bradley who ended up getting too drunk and falling asleep in the foyer. No one could find Bradley, and it ended up being quite a laugh when he was finally discovered, curled up on the couch, sleeping like a baby.

“Bradley…” I scoffed. I’ve met Bradley, and he’s actually really nice. But since he’s Jay’s ex, I always roll my eyes a little whenever Jay recounts the adorable things he used to do.

“After that he was too drunk to drive home, so I just helped him up to my room,” Jay explained.

“Hold on,” I interrupted. “Bradley slept in your room?”

“Yeah.”

“Like in your bed?”

“Yeah.”

“Like, with you also in the bed?”

“Yeah…”

“That is so unfair,” I announced. I am not supposed to sleep in Jay’s bed at his parent’s house. He has younger siblings, and his parents don’t think it sets a good example to let unmarried couples sleep in bed together. But somehow, for Bradley it was okay.

Jay sighed. “Dude, my parents thought we were just friends. They didn’t know we were… you know, fucking. My mom even asked me, just to make sure nothing was going on and I told her Bradley and I were just friends.”  (It’s worth mentioning that Jay’s mom knows he is bisexual, and that the idea that Jay might be fooling around with another guy was a very real possibility.)

I scowled. “Your mom asked you, ‘Hey Jay, just to make sure, you’re not taking it up the butt from the guy that’s sleeping in the foyer, are you?’?”

“Well, she didn’t say it like that, obviously.” Jay said. “She just asked if anything was going on with us, and I said no.”

“And she believed you? That you were just two guys friends? Two guy friends sleeping in bed together?” I asked. “Guy friends don’t sleep in bed together. Guys only sleep in bed with other guys if they are fucking.”

“I mean… maybe she suspected, but what was she really going to say?”

I had to admit, he had a point.

The bed thing is the main reason I don’t like going to Jay’s parents’ house.

I’ve waited a long time to get out of high school, and get my own place where I can tie up men with bondage tape without it being anyone else’s business (not that I do that; I’m just saying I could). It’s frustrating to visit parents and be forced back into that high school mentality; it’s extra frustrating to know that stupid Bradley didn’t have to follow the same rules.

But… I guess that’s one of the perks of having a same sex relationship; society’s rules don’t always catch you. It’s not inappropriate for people of the same gender to sleep in the same room because USUALLY they don’t screw. The fact that Bradley and Jay could sleep in the same room and screw means… they basically just got lucky. They cheated the system. Those bastards.

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Straight Boys Who… Maybe Also Like Boys a Little Bit??

For those of you who are sincerely concerned about my personal life (no one), you can all breath a sigh of relief because Jay and I got over our little fight and are back together. I know. I know. Such a relief.

Now, on to more interesting topics: straight boys who… maybe also like boys a little bit?? (Stay with me, and you will see how this is different than bisexual boys)

A while ago, I asked Jay if he knew any other bi guys. He knows a lot of gay guys, but seriously, it was a legit thing to wonder; is he the only bisexual guy that he knows?

He thought for a moment and said, “…I mean, technically no. But I’ve met people where I… suspected.”

He elaborated about these people that he ‘suspected’: Straight friends that clearly liked women, but got a little too friendly when drunk- especially ones that seemed particularly curious about his sexuality.

I was fascinated by this response, mostly because it supports my theory that there are more bisexual guys than we know about. I mean, think about it. So many gay guys try so hard to be straight, especially when they are young (high school, anyone?). Many of them end up admitting that it was a lost cause because they were just 100% gay, and there was no way they could deny it. But what about the ones who… aren’t 100% gay? I think that when it comes to guys, the ones who are mostly straight, or even a little bit straight, will just sweep any same sex desire under the rug and go about their lives as beer drinking, sports watching, vagina fucking bros. Because what kind of guy is going to admit he’s not straight unless he absolutely has to? Really confident ones like Jay might, but most guys are little babies and will be happy to take their straight card and run with it.

When Jay explained why he thinks there might be some sneaky bi guys masquerading as straight guys, I listened, but I didn’t tell him why I had independently formed this theory as well. But I am going to tell you guys. To put it simply, I’ve… heard some things that make me think some ‘straight’ friends might not be quite as straight as they hold themselves out to be.

For example, a group of my girl friends were gossiping about this guy that I was distantly acquainted with (lets call him Dave). Dave, the girls, and some other guy friends were all at a party together (I was not there), and apparently Dave was chatting with some guy who was known to be gay. Then later in the evening, Dave disappeared. The girls (and whatever other guys they were with) went looking for Dave, and my friend Gwen had the luck to open a bedroom door and find Dave with his dick in the gay guy’s mouth. She was stunned and confused, and closed the door and staggered away. She also told everyone else what she had seen.

“I know I probably shouldn’t have said anything. But whatever I was drunk.” Gwen explained.

Dave admitted that he had allowed this other guy to suck him off, claiming he was just curious and figured a blow job was a blow job. And he was drunk, of course. The next day, when people prodded him about his sexuality, he got defensive, insisting he wasn’t attracted to men, and that accepting a blow job didn’t mean anything. By that night, he denied that it had happened at all.

“But it did happen?” I asked Gwen.

“I mean, yeah it did. I saw it right in front of me,” she said. “I backed him up and told everyone I was just kidding about it. But I saw it as clear as day.” At that point, there were only a few of us listening to her story, so I guess she didn’t feel bad admitting the truth to just us.

My friends seemed to settle on the idea that Dave was straight and just really wanted a blow job. This was because Dave had made many attempts to try to hook up with them, had actually hooked up with Kate, and had even dated another of our friends who was not present at the moment.

“He’s definitely straight,” Kate insisted.

“Yeah,” Gwen agreed. “I’ve seen him every time we go out. He’s always trying to pick up girls.”

I kept my comments to myself, but it bothered me a little that no one entertained the idea that this guy was bisexual. It sure seemed that way to me. Clearly he preferred women, but people had even mentioned a few other times where he’d seemed a little too interested in men.

***

There was another incident that made me suspect some ‘straight’ guys might in fact be bi guys, and this one involves a guy that I used to hook up with a while ago.

So, I was hooking up with this guy, but we also had a relatively pleasant friendship. We weren’t exclusive or anything like that, and I suspected he was more into me than I was into him. Eventually, I told him we should call off our hook up relationship; I didn’t tell him why, but the truth was that I could tell he was getting too into me, and might end up getting hurt when I didn’t feel the same way. He seemed like he was fine with it, and was down to still be friends. A week or so after that conversation I offered to drive him back from this party because I was the DD (as usual) and he was sloppy as hell (as usual).

When we got back to his place, he was sort of just sitting in my car.

“I have to tell you something,” he said. “Last week after you told me we weren’t going to hook up anymore, I made out with Sarah Davids.” (Obviously this is not the girl’s real name).

“That’s fine,” I said.

“You’re not mad?”

“No… we weren’t dating. And I was the one who broke it off. It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”

He continued, “I was worried that if you found out, you wouldn’t want to go out with me. But that was stupid because I know you don’t want to go out with me anyway.”

Then he started sniffling. Drunk boy crying.

I sighed and said, “I have to say, Sarah was probably a mistake. Because you hate her, and you have been trying to convince her that you are never going to be into her. And kissing her probably undid a lot of that work,” I said.

“I know…” He sobbed.

Oh boy, I thought. I stay cool under pressure, but crying guys stress me out. Even if it’s drunken nonsense.

“So you’re not mad?” He sniffled.

“No…” I said. For some reason I felt like he had something else on his mind, and I’m usually right when I get these feelings.  “It seems like there’s something else you’re not telling me.”

“You’re good at that,” he said. “I also made out with Danny Porter.”

This one caught me off guard. This was before I was familiar with male bisexuality, so hearing this just… confused me. Hugely.

“You… made out with Danny Porter?” I repeated. For a moment I wanted to follow this up with ‘Are you gay?’ But somehow I knew that wasn’t the right question. I knew he wasn’t gay.

“Why?” I asked. I know it sounds stupid, but it really was the thing I wanted to know.

“I don’t know,” he said, shaking his head, sniffling more.

“How did that happen?”

“We were just in the back of the car, and Sarah was passed out next to us, and Taylor (the driver) went to see if Sarah’s roommate was home. And I just looked at him, and I knew he always wanted to kiss me, so I just did it.”

I should mention, Danny is openly gay and has not been secretive about the fact that he has a big crush on my friend. It is also worth mentioning the two of them have always been really good friends.

I took a moment to process this information. “You just kissed him because… you thought he wanted you to kiss him?”

“Yeah,” he said. “I knew he was having a bad day because Matt Fisher (another gay guy that Danny is competitive with) got picked over him for [academic competition]. And I know Matt has also always really wanted to kiss me, and it would just make Danny’s day if he got to kiss me and Matt will never be able to.”

We sat there in the silence of my car.

“Why did you tell me this?” I asked. I wasn’t upset that he told me, I was just curious why he picked me over someone else.

“I don’t know. I wanted to tell someone.”

“Did you like it?”

“I don’t know,” he said. “Not really. Maybe. It was just a kiss, I’m not attracted to him. I just wanted to see what it would be like.”

This was a legitimate reason to kiss someone, in my opinion. I think it’s the reason a lot of girls kiss other girls; they just want to see what its like. But for some reason its less okay for guys to wonder what it’s like to kiss another guy, and even less okay to try to find out.

I don’t know if my friend is bisexual or not. I do know that he hooked up with a couple other girls after me, had a serious girlfriend for a while, and is now back to hooking up with random girls. I don’t think he has ever done anything else with a guy.

The reason I bring it up at all is that I’m the only person who knows about this guy’s foray into same sex experimentation (aside from the gay guy he kissed). He only told me because we were pretty close, and he thought I’d be understanding about it. He definitely would not have told any of his guy friends, and if he had been sober, he probably would not have told me. Furthermore, if we were actually dating, he probably would not have told me, for fear of ruining the relationship. If we’d been less close (just friends who had never hooked up) he probably would not have revealed such personal information. The point is, I think when these sorts of things happen, we generally never find out. Guys tend to be very protective of their heterosexuality, and if they are curious, experimental, or (god forbid) actually bisexual, they probably try to keep it under wraps.

I never told Jay this story about my friend; mostly because I was worried Jay would start speculating about which friend it was- and yes I realize Jay could be reading this blog (and, Jay, if you are, let me give you a hint; 1) it’s not Max and 2) you will never figure out who it was).

In conclusion, we, as a society should stop giving guys so much crap about not being 100% straight. We should make the world more comfortable for guys who want to reveal that maybe they are mostly straight, but have a little bit of curiosity. Or even a lot of curiosity.  Guys are terrified to reveal any same sex interest or experimentation because they think they are the ONLY one who’s ever done something like that, and that girls will drop them instantly because there are millions of other ‘straight’ guys to choose from, and why would she take a chance with a guy who’s not totally cemented in his sexuality, and blah blah blah. But guess what? Ladies, if we blacklisted every guy who has ever done anything experimental with another guy, we would be ruling out a lot more guys than we think.

Bi guys, curious guys, experimental guys, heteroflexible guys, straight guys who’ve maybe just kissed another dude one time- come out, come out wherever you are!

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Debate About Revealing a Partner’s Bisexuality

I assumed that it was 100% public knowledge that Jay was bisexual. When we first met, he told me he’s very open about it. I assumed that meant it didn’t matter if I told other people about it, but apparently I was wrong, and we got into a little tiff about this. Here’s how it happened…

A few weeks ago, a guy that Jay used to date invited us to this ‘event’ at a club (lets call this guy Brad). At first I thought it was just clubbing, so I was planning to invite a bunch of my other friends. But the more they discussed the event, it sounded like something beyond ‘just clubbing’. I wasn’t entirely sure what it was, but I managed to gather that there would be men dressed in women’s clothing, so I thought to myself, “Hm, I better not invite all my conservative friends, and possibly freak them out, since I don’t know what this is.”

We went to the event, and it was really fun. People were dressed kinda crazy, but overall, nothing unreasonable was going on. I figured that I’d bring some of my friends next time. In the mean time, the group I was with all took pictures of ourselves having tons of fun, and put them up on Facebook. 

The next morning, one of my best girl friends, Leslie, texted me, saying, “Blah blah blah, why didn’t you invite me last night? Blah blah blah I always invite you…” Yeah. She was pissed. Apparently that venue was somewhere she goes to all the time and loves, and she was really mad that I went there without inviting her. I know. I’m the worst person in the world. Whatever.

I figured I would try to explain that I didn’t plan the outing, and also why I didn’t invite her: Brad, Jay’s ex, this little gay dude, planned it and I didn’t know what it was until I got there.

The problem is Leslie doesn’t know Jay is bi. So that makes explaining his gay ex a little hard. I could have crafted a way around those details, but I figured the story would be easier to tell if I just explained the whole thing.

So I texted Jay and asked if I could tell Leslie he was bi. At first he said, “Yeah, sure.”

Then he added something like, “As long as she wont think I’m actually gay.”

I told him that she would more likely think he was actually straight… I don’t remember the details, but that lead to a discussion of whether she would believe he was bi or not. I admitted I wasn’t sure what she would think, and then Jay said, “Never mind, I don’t want you to tell her.”

“Why not? You tell strangers.”

“Because this is different. It’s your best friend-“ (Jay was wrong about this, Nora is my best friend, but that’s not important to this story…) “And she’s going to try to convince you that guys can’t be bisexual, and that I’m going to end up gay.”

I didn’t see the problem with that. Leslie has tried to convince me of a lot stupider things before (like that putting a caramel apple in a Ferragamo handbag would not ruin the bag [or the apple] if it was only in there for a few minutes). I have no problem fully disregarding advice that Leslie gives me.

However, Jay explained that Lesley’s opinion of his sexuality was not the problem. “The problem,” he said. “Is why you are telling her.”

I was confused. As far as I knew, I was telling her to get her off my back about not inviting her to some stupid club. But Jay thought differently.

“You are telling her,” he said, “For the same reason you told Max and your mom; because you weren’t sure about dating me, and you wanted their advice. And you’re still not sure, so you’re asking Leslie to help you decide whether it’s a good idea.”

I literally rolled my eyes at this. “Listen,” I said. “I never ask my mom for advice; that’s why we aren’t close. And as for Max, he has the good sense not to try to tell me what to do, which is why we are close. I can assure you that telling them about your sexuality had nothing to do with trying to get advice on whether to date a bisexual guy.”

Eventually Jay admitted that he believed me. He explained that he’s had issues in the past with girls blacklisting him because of his sexuality. Fine. Fair enough. Whatever.

But he also explained that I should not have just assumed it was okay to disclose his sexuality. This was very personal information, he explained.

“But its on your facebook,” I argued.

“Well then people can look at my facebook and ask me about it. But you can’t just assume you can go around telling people.”

“Well how am I suppose to know all these rules?” I said.

“I don’t know.”

“There’s no handbook of bisexual men. There’s no ten commandments for dating bi guys,” I said. “How am I supposed to know what I can tell people and what’s a secret? I can’t know what’s socially appropriate when it comes to bisexuality.”

“It’s the same as being gay. You can’t just go around telling people someone is gay.”

“No,” I said. “It’s not. If we were a gay couple, everyone would know just by looking at us, and there would be no need to tell my friends. It is different.”

“I don’t know,” Jay finally said.

********

So here is my question to all you readers out there; what are the rules for disclosing someone’s bisexuality? Is it a faux pas to ‘out’ them? Or does keeping it a secret mean you are ashamed? 

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Bicker Bicker Bicker…

I try not to say anything bad about Jay on this blog. I realize many people are not familiar with bisexual males, and that for some people, reading this blog might be the only exposure to bisexual males they get. I feel I have a duty to portray Jay as perfect, otherwise readers might think things like… “I guess all bisexual men get too drunk at their girlfriends charity Halloween event.” Or “Oh I guess all bisexual men get too jealous about their girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend.” And that would be unfair to all the sober, confident bisexuals out there, who don’t do any of these things.

I recently realized, however, sweeping Jay’s faults under the rug might not be the best idea. For one thing, it could encourage the idea that he does not actually exist. (Yes, I have been accused of fabricating Jay.) I mean, if a girl was going to invent a fantasy boyfriend, wouldn’t she make him perfect? Tall, handsome, athletic, funny… Yes, Jay is all of these things, but that’s only hard to believe because I never talk about the ways in which he’s a pain in the ass. He is not perfect. And I cannot take credit for creating Jay; that credit goes to his parents, copulating in the early 90’s.

The other reason it might be good to reveal some of Jay’s faults is that it would show they have nothing to do with his sexuality. For any girls out there, worried about getting into a serious relationship with a bi guy, it might help to know that the things that have made my relationship difficult are none of the things that girls seem to be paranoid about when it comes to bi men. What if he looks at men? What if he watches gay porn? What if I’m not enough for him because I don’t have a dick? What if I have to compete with twice as many people now? I can honestly these things haven’t become an issue between Jay and me. Sorry to disappoint, but the things that will get on your nerves could very well be the mundane things that make relationships suck in general.

There was one more reason that I never told stories about Jay’s annoying behaviors, that’s because it’s boring. Using this blog to bitch about my boyfriend would just be stupid and no one would give a crap or want to read it. I feel like its morally wrong to be that self indulgent. When I write anything (not just this blog) I remind myself “Hey Sydney, no one cares about your stupid problems.” But today I’m going to take on the challenge of writing an interesting, relevant entry about a little fight I had with Jay. Here goes:

It all started Sunday night, when Jay texted me to say he hadn’t gotten a job he applied for. I was appropriately supportive and comforting, telling him he was qualified and that job searches are a long process. But he was in one of his moods, and didn’t want to let it go. He started accusing me of leading him on, and wasting his time by telling him that he was qualified for that job. According to him, I should have told him the truth: that he sucked way too much for that job and he should not have bothered applying. I’m going to pause for a second, and say that I know for a fact this is not what I should have told him, because I (stupidly) have told him that before. And it did not go over well. He was complaining about his grad school aspirations, and I said, “Well maybe it’s not for you.” To anyone less emotionally retarded than I am, what happened next is probably obvious: he had a complete fit and said he couldn’t believe I didn’t believe in him.

So you can see why I tried to be optimistic about this job. Furthermore, I wasn’t being dishonest; he was qualified for the job. They just didn’t hire him. Sometimes that’s how it goes.

Anyway, long story short, we had a nice 2 hour bicker over the phone, and at the end of it, I realized I was exhausted. Not just exhausted by the fight, but exhausted by him. And so I told him we needed to take a break from seeing each other.

Don’t panic, we didn’t break up. I just needed space to work on some things without the emotional drama of a relationship. I also wanted to give Jay some time to reflect on why he has been so moody lately. (To all the haters out there, this is the perfect moment to say its because he’s gay. Go ahead. I’ll wait.)

The truth is I don’t know why he has been so moody- but I can say almost with certainty that it’s not because he’s gay. More likely he is depressed about not having a job, or because he feels like he doesn’t have many friends around here anymore. Who knows. I even suspect it’s because he finds my personality frustrating and annoying, but hasn’t let himself admit that yet. He insists this is not the case, but he could be lying, or he may not have realized it yet.

Point being, it wasn’t the fight that exhausted me. I just realized in that moment that his attitude over the past couple weeks has been exhausting me. He honestly acts like he doesn’t enjoy being around me. He doesn’t talk very much- if I ask him a hypothetical question, just to start a conversation, he answers as quickly as he can to get it over with; or he’ll say something like “I don’t know.” (Me: If you could be any super hero, who would you want to be? Jay: I dunno.) If I don’t start talking, we’ll just sit there in silence. Other times, I’ll be talking about something I think is important or interesting, and at the end, he’ll be looking out the window saying, “I didn’t realize you could smoke on that patio.”

In other words, its like he’s trying to tell me, “I don’t find you interesting. I don’t enjoy being around you. I wish I was somewhere else.” And honestly, if that were true, I would be fine with it. Yeah it would suck a little bit, but I’m really good at accepting when something just isn’t meant to be. Problem is, he insists this is not the case, and that he loves being around me.

Well, unfortunately, regardless of whether he actually likes being around me, I don’t enjoy being around someone who just sits there and makes me feel… disliked. So I decided I needed to take some time to be alone with the best person in the world: me.  In the mean time, he can reflect on what’s going on with himself, and hopefully, when we hang out again, he’ll be the kind of person that makes me feel awesome when I’m around him, rather than someone who brings down the mood.

And for the men out there: Why do guys act like this? Is it me? Be honest. I can take it.

And don’t worry, Jay and I will be back together soon; as soon as I start needing more material for this blog 😉

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