For those of you who are sincerely concerned about my personal life (no one), you can all breath a sigh of relief because Jay and I got over our little fight and are back together. I know. I know. Such a relief.
Now, on to more interesting topics: straight boys who… maybe also like boys a little bit?? (Stay with me, and you will see how this is different than bisexual boys)
A while ago, I asked Jay if he knew any other bi guys. He knows a lot of gay guys, but seriously, it was a legit thing to wonder; is he the only bisexual guy that he knows?
He thought for a moment and said, “…I mean, technically no. But I’ve met people where I… suspected.”
He elaborated about these people that he ‘suspected’: Straight friends that clearly liked women, but got a little too friendly when drunk- especially ones that seemed particularly curious about his sexuality.
I was fascinated by this response, mostly because it supports my theory that there are more bisexual guys than we know about. I mean, think about it. So many gay guys try so hard to be straight, especially when they are young (high school, anyone?). Many of them end up admitting that it was a lost cause because they were just 100% gay, and there was no way they could deny it. But what about the ones who… aren’t 100% gay? I think that when it comes to guys, the ones who are mostly straight, or even a little bit straight, will just sweep any same sex desire under the rug and go about their lives as beer drinking, sports watching, vagina fucking bros. Because what kind of guy is going to admit he’s not straight unless he absolutely has to? Really confident ones like Jay might, but most guys are little babies and will be happy to take their straight card and run with it.
When Jay explained why he thinks there might be some sneaky bi guys masquerading as straight guys, I listened, but I didn’t tell him why I had independently formed this theory as well. But I am going to tell you guys. To put it simply, I’ve… heard some things that make me think some ‘straight’ friends might not be quite as straight as they hold themselves out to be.
For example, a group of my girl friends were gossiping about this guy that I was distantly acquainted with (lets call him Dave). Dave, the girls, and some other guy friends were all at a party together (I was not there), and apparently Dave was chatting with some guy who was known to be gay. Then later in the evening, Dave disappeared. The girls (and whatever other guys they were with) went looking for Dave, and my friend Gwen had the luck to open a bedroom door and find Dave with his dick in the gay guy’s mouth. She was stunned and confused, and closed the door and staggered away. She also told everyone else what she had seen.
“I know I probably shouldn’t have said anything. But whatever I was drunk.” Gwen explained.
Dave admitted that he had allowed this other guy to suck him off, claiming he was just curious and figured a blow job was a blow job. And he was drunk, of course. The next day, when people prodded him about his sexuality, he got defensive, insisting he wasn’t attracted to men, and that accepting a blow job didn’t mean anything. By that night, he denied that it had happened at all.
“But it did happen?” I asked Gwen.
“I mean, yeah it did. I saw it right in front of me,” she said. “I backed him up and told everyone I was just kidding about it. But I saw it as clear as day.” At that point, there were only a few of us listening to her story, so I guess she didn’t feel bad admitting the truth to just us.
My friends seemed to settle on the idea that Dave was straight and just really wanted a blow job. This was because Dave had made many attempts to try to hook up with them, had actually hooked up with Kate, and had even dated another of our friends who was not present at the moment.
“He’s definitely straight,” Kate insisted.
“Yeah,” Gwen agreed. “I’ve seen him every time we go out. He’s always trying to pick up girls.”
I kept my comments to myself, but it bothered me a little that no one entertained the idea that this guy was bisexual. It sure seemed that way to me. Clearly he preferred women, but people had even mentioned a few other times where he’d seemed a little too interested in men.
There was another incident that made me suspect some ‘straight’ guys might in fact be bi guys, and this one involves a guy that I used to hook up with a while ago.
So, I was hooking up with this guy, but we also had a relatively pleasant friendship. We weren’t exclusive or anything like that, and I suspected he was more into me than I was into him. Eventually, I told him we should call off our hook up relationship; I didn’t tell him why, but the truth was that I could tell he was getting too into me, and might end up getting hurt when I didn’t feel the same way. He seemed like he was fine with it, and was down to still be friends. A week or so after that conversation I offered to drive him back from this party because I was the DD (as usual) and he was sloppy as hell (as usual).
When we got back to his place, he was sort of just sitting in my car.
“I have to tell you something,” he said. “Last week after you told me we weren’t going to hook up anymore, I made out with Sarah Davids.” (Obviously this is not the girl’s real name).
“That’s fine,” I said.
“You’re not mad?”
“No… we weren’t dating. And I was the one who broke it off. It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”
He continued, “I was worried that if you found out, you wouldn’t want to go out with me. But that was stupid because I know you don’t want to go out with me anyway.”
Then he started sniffling. Drunk boy crying.
I sighed and said, “I have to say, Sarah was probably a mistake. Because you hate her, and you have been trying to convince her that you are never going to be into her. And kissing her probably undid a lot of that work,” I said.
“I know…” He sobbed.
Oh boy, I thought. I stay cool under pressure, but crying guys stress me out. Even if it’s drunken nonsense.
“So you’re not mad?” He sniffled.
“No…” I said. For some reason I felt like he had something else on his mind, and I’m usually right when I get these feelings. “It seems like there’s something else you’re not telling me.”
“You’re good at that,” he said. “I also made out with Danny Porter.”
This one caught me off guard. This was before I was familiar with male bisexuality, so hearing this just… confused me. Hugely.
“You… made out with Danny Porter?” I repeated. For a moment I wanted to follow this up with ‘Are you gay?’ But somehow I knew that wasn’t the right question. I knew he wasn’t gay.
“Why?” I asked. I know it sounds stupid, but it really was the thing I wanted to know.
“I don’t know,” he said, shaking his head, sniffling more.
“How did that happen?”
“We were just in the back of the car, and Sarah was passed out next to us, and Taylor (the driver) went to see if Sarah’s roommate was home. And I just looked at him, and I knew he always wanted to kiss me, so I just did it.”
I should mention, Danny is openly gay and has not been secretive about the fact that he has a big crush on my friend. It is also worth mentioning the two of them have always been really good friends.
I took a moment to process this information. “You just kissed him because… you thought he wanted you to kiss him?”
“Yeah,” he said. “I knew he was having a bad day because Matt Fisher (another gay guy that Danny is competitive with) got picked over him for [academic competition]. And I know Matt has also always really wanted to kiss me, and it would just make Danny’s day if he got to kiss me and Matt will never be able to.”
We sat there in the silence of my car.
“Why did you tell me this?” I asked. I wasn’t upset that he told me, I was just curious why he picked me over someone else.
“I don’t know. I wanted to tell someone.”
“Did you like it?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “Not really. Maybe. It was just a kiss, I’m not attracted to him. I just wanted to see what it would be like.”
This was a legitimate reason to kiss someone, in my opinion. I think it’s the reason a lot of girls kiss other girls; they just want to see what its like. But for some reason its less okay for guys to wonder what it’s like to kiss another guy, and even less okay to try to find out.
I don’t know if my friend is bisexual or not. I do know that he hooked up with a couple other girls after me, had a serious girlfriend for a while, and is now back to hooking up with random girls. I don’t think he has ever done anything else with a guy.
The reason I bring it up at all is that I’m the only person who knows about this guy’s foray into same sex experimentation (aside from the gay guy he kissed). He only told me because we were pretty close, and he thought I’d be understanding about it. He definitely would not have told any of his guy friends, and if he had been sober, he probably would not have told me. Furthermore, if we were actually dating, he probably would not have told me, for fear of ruining the relationship. If we’d been less close (just friends who had never hooked up) he probably would not have revealed such personal information. The point is, I think when these sorts of things happen, we generally never find out. Guys tend to be very protective of their heterosexuality, and if they are curious, experimental, or (god forbid) actually bisexual, they probably try to keep it under wraps.
I never told Jay this story about my friend; mostly because I was worried Jay would start speculating about which friend it was- and yes I realize Jay could be reading this blog (and, Jay, if you are, let me give you a hint; 1) it’s not Max and 2) you will never figure out who it was).
In conclusion, we, as a society should stop giving guys so much crap about not being 100% straight. We should make the world more comfortable for guys who want to reveal that maybe they are mostly straight, but have a little bit of curiosity. Or even a lot of curiosity. Guys are terrified to reveal any same sex interest or experimentation because they think they are the ONLY one who’s ever done something like that, and that girls will drop them instantly because there are millions of other ‘straight’ guys to choose from, and why would she take a chance with a guy who’s not totally cemented in his sexuality, and blah blah blah. But guess what? Ladies, if we blacklisted every guy who has ever done anything experimental with another guy, we would be ruling out a lot more guys than we think.
Bi guys, curious guys, experimental guys, heteroflexible guys, straight guys who’ve maybe just kissed another dude one time- come out, come out wherever you are!